(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC)
GK: It's a fact. South Dakota has more concealed-weapons permits per capita than any other state, and Pennington County, which we're in now, has the most per capita permits in South Dakota. So Rapid City is probably the most heavily armed community in America. An interesting place for a liberal such as myself to visit, believing as I do in confiscation of all weapons including hunting rifles and cap pistols and bent twigs that boys carry around and go kkkkk-kkkkkk-kkkkk.
TK: Confiscation of guns?
GK: We're going to round up every gun in America, me and my liberal friends with the assistance of the United Nations security force.
TK: I'll give up my gun when you take it from my cold dead fingers.
GK: Suit yourself. Gun confiscation. This is the goal of all of us in the United Nations. (HEROIC MARCH, SOFT, BUILDS) To promote international understanding and bring one-world government to the American west, especially to northern Idaho and Montana and Rapid City. (BRIDGE)
TK: We gotta do something!
TR: We can't let a bunch of foreigners come in here and take our guns away!
TK: We gotta fight back!
TR (HESTON): My name is Moses and I'm the president of the National Rifle Association.
(CROWD SHOUTS, ANGER RISING, RALLYING)
TK: What can we do? Those liberals are everywhere!!
GK: You're right, we are in the media, in the schools, and now we've got your tap water laced with Prozac. One way or another, we're going to get your guns.
TK: Oh yeah? How?
GK: Through computer V-chips.
TK: V-chips?
GK: For Vulnerable.
TK: Oh no.
GK: A radio signal sent from U.N. headquarters in New York City by way of your local public radio station can activate the V-chip in your pistol or shotgun in a micro-second and render your firearm as harmless as a bent twig.
TK: Kkkkk-kkkkkk.
GK: December 31st. Midnight. That's when we're going to do it. No more target practice for you.
(CROWD MURMURS, DISCOURAGEMENT)
TR (GABBY HAYES): Wait just one cotton-pickin second, whipper-snapper. This here shootin' iron of mine predates the computer chip. You send in your United Nations troops and they'll have to deal with Old Betsy here. (CLICK OF HAMMER)
GK: Sorry, old-timer, but you remember that pacemaker we installed in your heart?
TR (GABBY): What about it? (HE GROANS, AND FALLS)
GK: We have control your firearms - your pacemakers - the schools, media - drinking water.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Not so fast, good buddy. (CROWD AWE) I was taking a look in the U.S. Constitution the other day and I don't recall seeing anything there about us having to give up our arms. Quite the contrary.
GK: Well, the 2nd amendment is very complicated, sir, and there are a number of ways to read it -
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Don't seem complicated to me at all. You want to know how I read it, I read it like this ...(HE SWINGS, KONK, GK GROAN) ... on the other hand, one could read it this way (SWINGS, KONK, GK GROANS).
GK: It's a tough town, Rapid City. It's going to take years to confiscate every firearm here ... even after December 31st when we up the dosage of Prozac in the drinking water ... it's going to take a long time.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Of course you could read it like this ... (HE SWINGS, KONK, GK OOF).
GK: But we liberals are going to keep at it. And if we can't get you with the Prozac, we'll get you some other way.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): On the other hand, you could also read it ...
GK: Excuse me, Sheriff. You care for some spinach?
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Spinach, huh? I love spinach. Gimme that.
GK: There you go. (TR BITES DOWN) Spinach quiche, Sheriff.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Quiche! Why you! (HE CHOKES) (NOW, AS CAPOTE) Why, this is simply scrumptious! So delicious! What's your recipe? Is there tarragon in this?
GK: Quiche. It's like kryptonite.
TR (CAPOTE): Oh my, what are these two silly things in the holsters on my belt? I don't want these. Here, take these. Ish.
GK: I'll take those, sir. Thank you. (MUSIC) Gun confiscation: one way or another, it's coming to Rapid City. (BAND PLAYOFF)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor