(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: In just a moment, our sound effects man, Tom Keith, is going to ride onto the stage on his trick horse King and leap from the saddle and grab onto our big chandelier and swing up to the first balcony and do some trick shooting - he'll shoot the four beer cans that sit on top of the sound console, shoot them so they fall on the head of the bald man below, and when Tom does, I'd like you to give him a big hand and make him feel welcome, because Tom Keith is a guy who used to be very big in the sound effects business. He wasn't always in radio. He used to be in movies. All the great directors used him for those special hard-to-find sounds - Francois Truffaut used him (TR FRENCH ENDING IN "TOM KEITH") for that scene in "Jules and Jim" where the elk walks into the bistro (ELK) and lights the cigarette (ELK SMOKING) and tosses it out the window and blows up the Nazi bunker (EXPLOSION) and Ingmar Bergman adored him (TR SWEDISH ENDING IN "TOM KEITH") for that scene in "Wild Strawberries," the big car crash scene (TIRES SKIDDING) where the car skidded across the strawberry field and into the Nazi bunker (CRASH, EXPLOSION) and Akira Kurosawa never forgot Tom Keith (TR JAPANESE ENDING IN "TOM KEITH") for that scene in "Rashomon" where Godzilla (MONSTER) picked up the petroleum tank (CREAKING, CRUNCH) and threw it down on the Nazi bunker (EXPLOSION)- all of those special sounds that you don't find in real life, like the water (DRIPS) dripping in the ruins of the Nazi bunker, Tom Keith could do all of that stuff. Hollywood director Sam Muffelman. TR (KIRK DOUGLAS LIKE): We were on location. Mexico. The picture was sixty-three million dollars over budget and two weeks behind schedule and we had this scene in which an owl flies over the air intake of the Nazi bunker and the owl drops a plastic explosive and the whole thing goes up in flames and you're thinking, How in the heck am I supposed to film this? And then you think: Tom Keith. (OWL FLYING, FADES INTO DISTANCE. BIG EXPLOSION) GK: Owls. Explosions. He could do it all. Dogs (DOG), big dogs (SFX), little dogs (SFX), angry dogs (SFX), family pets (SFX), dogs with tuberculosis (SFX), dogs with tuberculosis who had dynamite strapped to their collars and they walked into Nazi bunkers (DOG COUGHING, TR NAZI SYMPATHY. EXPLOSION). He could do it all. He worked all the time. He bought himself a beach house in Malibu (SURF, GULLS) where he liked to spend weekends with one starlet or another looking at the ocean in the moonlight - TK: Hi. You look nice in that kimono, Stephanie - Jennifer. Jennifer. Sorry. You look nice in that kimono. You're from where? St. Paul? That's in Minnesota, right? No, I've never been there. Is it nice?
(GULLS, SURF.)
GK: And then one day it all fell apart. He was at the studio doing a sequence in which a chicken is trained to walk into the Nazi bunker and pull the booby-trap wire that blows up the place and he had to do forty-seven takes before he got it exactly right (CHICKEN WALKING, CHICKEN STUDYING THE SITUATION, EXPLOSION) and he got into his Ferrari (CAR PULLING AWAY) and he was late, he had told Stephanie, or Jennifer, or Brittany that he'd be at the beach house by 9 and here it was, 8:45 already, so he was driving fast (CAR SPEEDING) and he came over a hill (CAR, HORN OF TRUCK PASSING, CAR CONTINUE) and he saw flashing blue lights behind him (DISTANT SIREN) and he put his foot down (CAR ACCELERATE) and came around a corner and there was a little kid in the road (TK: Help!) (SKID) and Tom swerved to avoid him and the car went out of control and rolled end over end (SFX) over end over end over end over end down the steep canyon wall (SFX SERIES OF CRASHES) and blew up (SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS) and Tom was thrown free of the wreck and landed in a swimming pool (CRASH AND SPLASH). And except for the fact that his hair was all burnt off he was okay. (TK: Whew.)
But - as it so happened, that was Steven Spielberg's house and there was a big Hollywood dinner party going on in honor of Spielberg's latest movie "Shopping List" which critics had panned, and Spielberg was so startled by the crash and seeing that Ferrari come (SFX) end over end over end over end over end over end down the rocky slope and blow up (EXPLOSION) and the guy with no hair land in the swimming pool (SPLASH), that Steven Spielberg dropped his pasta on his lap (SFX, TR ANGUISH) and of course the story got out and the next day the headline read ...
TR: Spielberg Spills Spaghetti on Sportcoat As Critics Nix New Flick
GK: And Spielberg was determined to use that sound effect in a war movie he called "Assisting Specialist 1st Class Klonowski." And it was a real stinker. (SNORING) Everybody hated it. Even Gene Shalit hated it, even Roger Ebert gave it two fingers up. And that's how Tom Keith came back to radio. He sold the beach house in Malibu ...
TK: Goodbye. (SURF, GULLS)
GK: And he bought a hobby farm in Delano ...
TK: HEY STELLA - TURN OFF THE HOSE!
GK: And he traded in that Ferrari on a Ford pickup. (ENGINE MISSING) And he came back to work for our show.
TR: Okay. Listen up. Fifteen bucks a week, you show up by noon on Saturday or it costs you, buddy. No cooking in the dressing room, no swearing, and every show you ride your trick horse King on stage and swing on the chandelier up to the first balcony and you do your trick shooting and you hit the four beer cans on top of the sound console so they fall on the bald guy. You got it?
TK: Got it.
GK: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Keith. (WHINNY, GALLOPING HOOVES, TK EFFORT AND CRY, CREAKING OF CHANDELIER SWINGING, TK BIG EFFORT AND LANDING ON BALCONY, FOUR QUICK SHOTS, FOUR WHANGS, FOUR BOPS, FOUR YELLS. ) BAND PLAYOFF
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor