(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
Tonight's show is brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
It's been a hard day at work (MARCHING FEET) and in your role as a vice-president you had to do some particularly reprehensible things - (DOGS SNARLING. SS: Please, sir. Don't throw me to the dogs. Please. DOGS VORACIOUS SNARLING), you had to do cruel things that your training in the liberal arts never prepared you for (TK: Please, sir. Another crust of bread, sir? For my little ones? DOOR SLAM), and now you get into your BMW (MOTOR START AND REV) and you pull out of the company garage (GEAR SHIFT AND ACCEL) and get on the freeway (HORN, ACCEL) and you race through the inner city and the small unsightly hovels of the poor and into the pastoral magnificence (CAR SLOWING) of the suburbs and the streets that are exact replicas of a New England village with little touches of Santa Fe and finally you reach the gate of your own community, Versailles View, where you place your palm against the scanner and (CREAKING) the drawbridge lowers and you turn into your two-point-four mile-long driveway past the herds of sheep (SHEEP) to your forty-three-room chateau on the hill (BRAKES. DOOR OPEN. FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL), all of the windows lit for your arrival, and your immaculate young wife Soisonne standing in the doorway (SS BREATHILY: Light of my life, man of my dreams, gypsy lover, poet of my innermost soul - QUICK KISS. TR: What's for supper? SS: Fresh oysters flown in fresh from Nova Scotia (CHOPPER) - here comes Tony with them now - and a salad made from the tips of young asparagi, fresh brook trout - (CAST, REEL) - there it is, got him - and then, for dessert, me. (GIRLISH TITTERS) A beautiful chateau, a fabulous meal, an immaculate wife, and yet - you feel restless, (TR: I want more ....) you want more (TR: I deserve more ...), you need to move up to the next rung on the ladder. It's been twenty years since you joined the company as an intern.
TK: As an intern, you'll be paid ten cents an hour and sit in the hall and when people approach you, kneel down and shine their shoes. Okay?
TR: Thank you, sir. I'll do my best, sir.
GK: But gradually you rose through the ranks, from intern to peon to minion to bootlicker and then to bootlickee and then, one day ...
TK: I'm making you district manager, Sherwood.
TR: Thank you, sir. I'll do my best, sir.
TK: As district manager, you get to park in the outer ring of the company garage, you get a key to the Silver Executive washroom where the walls of the stalls go all the way to the floor and the paper is soft, and on trips, you fly business class and stay in two-star hotels.
TR: Yes! The silver washroom!!! Soft paper!!!
GK; And then you became regional manager, and you parked in the middle ring and got a key to the Gold washroom which had private stalls with heated seats (TR SIGH OF PLEASURE) and you flew first class and stayed in three-star hotels.
TR: Yes! Great! Heated seats!!!
GK: Then you were promoted to vice-president, and you got to park in the charmed circle, and got a key to the Platinum washroom which had private stalls with heated seats and the walls were soundproof so you could cut loose (BOOMS) and not worry about being heard and you flew in the company jet and stayed in four-star hotels.
TR: Four-star!! Yes!!! Platinum!!!
GK: And now you're still vice-president and you know that the CEO is chauffeured to work and has a private bathroom all his own and flies in his personal jet and stays in palatial homes that are reserved for him and him only. (TR IRRITATION) You want that. You've been a vice-president for three years and you're getting sick of the platinum bathroom (TR: Sick of it!!) and the company jet (TR: Bleaugghh!), you want to be top dog. (TR TARZAN) And the next day, you have a terribly important meeting. A speech to the Board of Directors. So you stay at work late and work on your presentation (TR PACING: The ability to accept change - to welcome change - HE CHANGES DIRECTIONS. CLEARS THROAT. TR: The ability to accept change - to welcome change. - To welcome change.) And suddenly you feel a tight pain in your chest. (TR ANGUISH) It feels like an elephant stepped on you. (ELEPHANT CRY). You fall on the floor. You reach for the cell phone to call for help (TR: Help ... ) and there's a man standing there next to a desk and the desk is on fire.
TK: This is your new desk.
TR: But it's on fire!!
TK: So?
TR: What in hell is going on here?
TK: Exactly.
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't you really rather have a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing takes the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor