(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: Gil Shaham and the Battlefield Band (REVERB UNTIL GK STOPS) coming up later and right now I'd like to introduce ... (SPACE MOTION MACHINE) What's that? (CREAK) What happened? Hello???? Hello???? (RATS SCURRYING AWAY) There was an audience here just a moment ago. Now - it's (DRIPPING STARTS)- it's all dark. It feels like I'm on some sort of stairway. (A COUPLE TENTATIVE STEPS, A STEP AND A CREAK) Is anybody here? (A STEP AND A CAT YOWLS AND HISSES AND A SERIES OF FADING MEOWS) Have to wait for my eyes to adjust to the dark. (STEP AND CREAK. STEP AND SCRAPE ON CONCRETE) Something flying around down here. (WHIRR OF BAT FLYING PAST) (GK REACT) (PAUSE, ANOTHER BAT FLY-BY) Must be bats. Looks like there's a door over here. (SIX SLOW STEPS, PAUSE, TURN DOORKNOB, CREAK OF DOOR OPENING, ATTACK DOG SNARLS ON OTHER SIDE, SLAM DOOR) Hope there's another door. (FOOTSTEPS) Thought I knew this theater. I've never been here before. (DISTANT CREAK) Hello? Someone there? Hello?
SS: (OLD ACTRESS, THROATY VOICE, VERY MANNERED) Is it time for my curtain call, Mr. Williams? Do they want me now?
GK: Who's that?
SS: Who's that? (SHE LAUGHS) You know very well who this is. Thirty years as my makeup man - you know me better than anyone else. You know Daphne Weatherwax as no one else ever could.
GK: That's right.
SS: Was it a full house for the matinee? It looked like it was. Jimmy said there was a line around the block waiting for tickets. Standing room tickets. Where's my scarf, Mr. Williams?
GK: I'll find it.
SS: Make sure you do, and I need you to touch up around my eyes, too. Are they done with the seduction scene yet?
GK: Yes.
SS: Still in Act Two?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: Good. Plenty of time. (A FEW STEPS, HIGH HEELS, THEN STOP) I'll be in my dressing room, lying down. Wake me for the murder scene but not too early. And bring me a glass of gin.
GK: Yes, ma'am. (HIGH HEELS FADE AWAY) (GK BREATHING.)
TK THROAT CLEAR
GK: Who's there?
TK (LARRY): It's me.
GK: Larry?
TK: Yes.
GK: Why are you down here? It's Halloween.
TK: It feels more like Halloween down here.
GK: I thought you were going to the Halloween party, Larry.
TK: I did. I came back. I'm taking a break.
GK: But you're the host, it's the party for your website users, it's the Larrydotcom.com party.
TK: So?
GK: The host is supposed to stay around, not leave.
TK: Well, nobody knew I was there anyway.
GK: Didn't you meet people?
TK: No, not really.
GK: Why not?
TK: Because my website users are all like me.
GK: How's that?
TK: We're not party animals. We're cave animals.
GK: What'd you do?
TK: I stood right next to the refrigerator and pretended I was looking at the magnets.
GK: I see. Was there dancing?
TK: Some. Where they spilled beer on the floor, there was.
GK: It was a costume party, wasn't it? Who'd you go as?
TK: Same as I always go as.
GK: Who's that?
TK: You.
GK: You go as me?
TK: Yeah. People say I look just like you. Dead ringer. People said I talk like you and everything.
SS: Mr. Williams?
GK: Yes?
SS: Is this the pistol for the murder scene?
GK: Which pistol do you have, Miss Weatherwax?
SS: A great big one.
GK: Maybe you should give it to me.
SS: Where are you?
GK: Here. (GUN BLAST)
SS: Are you okay?
GK: Yes.
SS: Then you must be over there.
GK: Who is she, Larry?
TK: Who?
GK: The lady with the pistol.
TK: Oh her. She lives here.
GK: Is the another bullet in the chamber, Miss Weatherwax?
TK: Oh, I remember, that's Miss Weatherwax.
GK: I know her name.
SS: How could I find out if there's another bullet in the chamber? (GUN BLAST) Yes, there is.
GK: Okay. Put it back in your dressing room, Miss Weatherwax.
SS: In my dressing room. (FADE) Okay.....
GK: How's your website doing?
TK: Got ten thousand hits today.
GK: Really?
TK: Yeah. We got a new line of clothing. Called Larry Wear. Brown clothes. People love it.
GK: That's great. Is your website earning money, Larry?
TK: Losing a million dollars a month.
GK: A million a month. How can you afford that?
TK: I borrow it.
GK: How can you pay the interest?
TK: I'm still getting disability from the post office.
GK: Oh. Right.
TK: I don't want to talk about it.
GK: Okay. Let's not talk it about.
TK: I don't want to talk about it.
GK: Good. I'm not talking about it.
TK: The last time I talked about it, I got so upset, I let Mr. Hiss out of the cage.
GK: Who's Mr. Hiss?
TK: My rattlesnake.
GK: I see.
TK: I'm looking for him right now.
GK: Wouldn't it be easier if we turned on the light and looked for him?
TK: Light makes him nervous.
GK: You mean he's loose in here?
TK: People said I looked exactly like you. Except younger of course.
GK: I'm going to head upstairs, Larry.
TK: The stairs aren't that way. They're this way. The way you're going, you're going to walk right into the woodpile. (SNAKE RATTLE)
GK: Is that Mr. Hiss?
TK: Could be.
GK: Can you call him, Larry?
TK: We don't have that kind of relationship.
(PAUSE, GHOST SLIDE)
SS: (OFF) It's my curtain call! My curtain call! Out of my way! I'm coming! The roses the audience threw to me?
GK: What about them?
SS: There's only six dozen!
GK: Yes, Six bouquets.
SS: But I paid for then.
GK: Maybe I miscounted.
SS: Hurry with that gin, would you?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
(HER FOOTSTEPS FADE)
TK: Why don't you ever buy anything from my website?
GK: I don't look good in brown pants.
TK: Your pants are brown right now.
GK: Larry, I'm going upstairs now, okay? Is this the right direction? I think so. (SAXOPHONE NOTE, LOW, BREATHY) Yep, it's the stairs. (RUNNING UPSTAIRS, DOOR OPEN, SLAM. GK BREATHING HARD) Everything okay?
TR: (SOTTO VOCE) Where were you?
GK: Downstairs.
TR: Introduce the band.
GK: The band?
TR: Introduce them.
GK: Which band?
TR: Right there. On the piece of paper.
GK: Ladies and gentlemen, the Guy's All Star Shoe Band.
BAND TUNE
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor