(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: ... Right after this word from Slice of Life Surgical Center ... ready to serve you at more than one-hundred locations in the Twin Cities area, including the Airedale Mall, Clydesdale, Hillandale, and Mondale.
(CHORD)
GK: Men, has this ever happened to you? You wake up in the morning and -
TR (SNUFFLING, GRUNTING)
SS: What's wrong, honey? Didn't you sleep well?
TR: I've got grass and twigs in my hair and my p.j.'s are ripped. And I - (HE BURSTS INTO A HOWL)
SS: When did you start growing a beard, Bob?
TR: A beard??? Oh, my gosh!!! (HORROR CHORD, AND BRIDGE)
GK: The tests came back from the lab this morning, Bob. They're positive.
TR: Positive???
GK: You've become a werewolf.
TR: But how?? I go to church. I work in an office.
GK: Maybe you drank from a water fountain that another werewolf drank from. Maybe you fell asleep with the full moon shining on your face. Who knows.
TR: So that's why my toenails got so long.
GK: Could be. And do you feel a powerful urge to be with other men with beards?
TR: I've been hanging around the University all day.
GK: The scientific term is lycanthropic metamorphosis, Bob. In laymen's terms, you're half man, half wolf.
TR: Is there a cure?
GK: Yes, thanks to brain surgery, there is.
TR: Will my health plan cover werewolf surgery?
GK: It doesn't matter. At Slice of Life, we've brought costs down. During our Halloween Madness Surgery sale, loboectomies are only $39.95.
TR: Wow.
GK: Room and tax not included.
TR: Will my personality change as a result of my surgery?
GK: You better hope it does. - A few days later (MUSIC)
TK: (RESPIRATOR) (CLINK OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS) Boy. The breath on this one is pretty rank. Didn't you floss him?
SS: That's your pizza, doctor.
TK: Oh. Right. So it is. Okay. Give me the big snips -
SS: Big snips.
TK: That's the pizza cutter. Oh well. Whatever. We'll crop the ears. (TWO SNIPS, HARD MATERIAL) And the tail. (BIG EFFORT, SNIP, HARD MATERIAL) Power drill.
SS: Power drill.
TK: - And we'll file down these fangs. (DRILLING) There. Now we'll go into the brain and clean out the lycanthropic reflex center.
SS: Uhhhh ... where is that?
TK: Right where you put that red mark, no?
SS: That's tomato sauce.
TK: Oh. - Well, it's right back behind the bridge of the nose. Right here. (DRILL) There. Got it.
SS: Are you sure?
TK: I think so. We'll find out when he wakes up.
SS: Say? What happened to your pizza?
TR: Oh, no. Must've left it in the cranial cavity.
SS: Not again. (MUSIC)
GK: The very next week -
SS: How do you feel, honey?
TR (CONSTRICTED VOICE): Real good. (HE PANTS) (MUSIC)
GK: And you'll feel good, too. This weekend, low low prices on surgery only at Slice of Life.
TR: (FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER) Surgery. Good.
GK: Side effects may include confusion. No coupons, please. Any major credit card accepted. Offer not valid on a full moon. (PLAY OFF)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor