(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC: GUITAR ARPEGG CHORD)
GK: Men, has this ever happened to you? You come home from work and -
SS: What's wrong, honey? Bad day?
TR: My neck aches. My shoulders, my whole back. (GROAN)
SS: The problem could be your brain.
TR: My brain!!! (CHORD)
SS: I was reading the other day that they've found that adults continue to add new brain cells. Your brain may be oversized, honey.
TR: I've noticed that my cap is tight ...(BRIDGE)
GK: Yes, science has found that the human brain continues to expand and increase in density. It may grow to the point where your neck and shoulders are no longer able to bear the weight. Do you ever nod off in meetings?
TR: Yes, I do.
GK: When you lay your head down on the pillow, do you have a hard time lifting it up?
TR: As a matter of fact, yes.
GK: And when you scratch your head, does the scratching sound more faraway?
TR: You know. I think it does.
GK: You may need brain surgery. From a certified brain surgeon.
TR: Isn't that frightfully expensive?
GK: It used to be, but at MinneMed, we've brought costs down. MinneMed is the largest health services provider in the Midwest, and during our Halloween surgery sale, frontal lobotomies are only $35.95.
TR: Wow.
GK: Room and tax not included.
TR: Will my personality change as a result of my surgery?
GK: Of course. You'll become less distracted, easier to be with.
TR: Will my hair grow back?
GK: Eventually, yes.
TR: Will I experience memory loss?
GK: Only the ones stored at the top of your head.
TR: I don't know. I just can't decide whether to have brain surgery or not.
GK: That means you need it more than you think. A few days later ... (MUSIC)
TK: (RESPIRATOR) (CLINK OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS) Is he asleep yet?
SS: I donno. Let me poke him. (SLAPS) Yeah. He's out.
TK: Okay. Hold this cigarette for me - thanks. (POWER DRILL START AND STOP) Say, which side is his hair parted on?
SS: Uhhhh ... here, it's on this side.
TK: So that's the right side, right?
SS: I think so, yeah.
TK: Didn't he have his hair parted on the right?
SS: I guess so.
TK: Good. We'll go in right there. (POWER DRILL REVS UP, DRILLING, THEN STOPS) Wait, this is a lobotomy, right?
SS: Right.
TK: But which lobe? Is it the frontal lobe? Or the earlobe?
SS: Good question.
TK: Aw, what the hell. (POWER DRILL REVS, DRILLING)
SS: Sure is a lot of stuff in there.
TK: Suction ...
SS: Suction. (SUCTION) (MUSIC)
GK: The very next week -
TR (SLIGHTLY HIGHER, CONSTRICTED VOICE): Hi, honey. I got my new hair today. How does it look?
SS: It looks nice. How do you feel?
TR: Okay.
SS: You seem okay!
TR: I guess I'm okay then!! (MUSIC)
GK: And you'll feel okay, too. During October, low low prices on brain surgery only at MinneMed.
TR: (HIGHER PITCH, EXCITED, MEL JASS INFLECTION) I had my brain reduced from a 7 3/4 to a 5 3/8 about six months ago!! Almost right away, my neck and back problems disappeared!
GK: Did you experience any side effects from the brain reduction?
TR: No!!
GK: No mood swings, no personality changes??
TR: No!!
GK: And if you had it to all over again, would you?
TR: Do what all over again??
GK: Brain reduction.
TR: Yes!!
GK: Side effects may include vagueness and confusion. No coupons may be used for this operation. Any major credit card accepted. Offer not valid if accompanied by attorney. (PLAY OFF)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor