(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: And now, a word for the American Duct Tape Council and here's Governor Jesse Ventura ...
TR (JESSE): Hey. Hooyah.
GK: How is everything going, Governor?
TR (JESSE): I just want to say that I didn't mean what I said and anybody could see that if you just take what I said in context and no way am I gonna apologize because I was only being honest and it's just something the media is blowing out of proportion.
GK: Okay. Thanks for the explanation. Beautiful weather this week, Governor.
TR: Hey. You're telling me. Took out my Porsche for a spin. Got her cranked up to 120. And that was just in my driveway. Drove around--Man, you shoulda seen the cars hittin' the ditch. Ran 'em right off the road.
GK: Well, you're the governor ...
TR: That's what I told em. YES, I DO OWN THE ROAD. I'm the king. Problem is, people nowadays aren't used to leadership.
GK: Most people nowadays weren't in the Navy Seals.
TR: That's right. Our motto was: Join the Navy Seals, travel to exotic places, meet interesting people, and kill them.
GK: Okay ... you're here to do another commercial for the American Duct Tape Council ...
TR: You got the check?
GK: Right here. Made out to you.
TR: Hey I never knew Jesse had two S's.
GK: And now, here's Governor Jesse Ventura ... for duct tape.
TR: Being Governor means you're always on the go so it's hard to find the time to take care of your hair, so I just use duct tape. (SHORT RIP-RIP-RIP-RIP-RIP) Tear off a few strips and slap em on top of your head and smooth em down and then you reach back behind your neck and grab the loose ends and HOO-YAAA (RRRIIIPPP), takes the fuzz right off the dome and leaves it shining bright. Hit it with a couple shots of spray wax (SPRITZES) and then you take your old Jimi Hendrix T-shirt and you buff it like this (BUFFING, TO TEMPO):
V-E-N-T-U-R-A
No. 1 governor in the USA
Biggest, toughest, and the meanest,
A beautiful body and a genius.
I smoke dope and I don't eat Wheaties
That's how I attract the sweeties,
I can outsmart all the fellas
No wonder everybody's jealous
I can fight and write best sellas.
Got a mind like a trap and a mouth like a potty,
Whatever you do, don't mess with The Body.
A wop bop
A wop bop bam
Look at me.
Hot damn.
GK: Governor Jesse Ventura, for duct tape. Duct tape, it's one thing that really works....a message from the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor