(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
TR (JESSE): So how ya doin? I heard you were down here so I thought I'd come down and see for myself.
GK: Good to see you, Governor. How you doing?
TR: Not so bad. Not so bad. Hey would you mind answering me a sort of a personal question?
GK: What's that?
TR: I just wonder how come when I walk down the street, people stare at me - is there something weird about me or something?
GK: You look fine to me, Governor. Nice blue suit, shoes. Pink shoes, but hey - it's a pink that goes with blue. And you've got blue rhinestones on your dark glasses, so - it works.
TR: What about the shirt? I just got that today.
GK: I can't see what it says.
TR: It says: "Down With Organized Religion, And Up With Brassieres."
GK: Uh huh. Now I can see it. Now that you're facing me. I couldn't see it when you were standing sideways there. Interesting.
TR: You don't think it's too provocative or far out or anything?
GK: I don't know. Depends on who you talk to, I guess.
TR: I did this interview, ya know, for this magazine, ya know, the one with the naked babes in it? where I say that "Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers."
GK: Those were your words?
TR: I didn't mean it as a slam on organized religion, it was just me being me. Ya know what I mean?
GK: Yeah, it sort of sounded like you all right.
TR: I mean, everywhere I go people say to me, "Jesse, don't ever stop being Jesse." That's what they say. Because if I weren't me, then I'd just be like all those other politicians who are trying to figure out how to be like me, but they're never gonna figure it out, because they don't have the honesty I got, because I know that people expect me to be me, so why do they get upset when I say what I think? What am I supposed to do? Be boring.
GK: Well, I understand. I used to be afraid of being boring myself.
TR: Oh yeah? what happened then?
GK: After awhile I started to enjoy it.
TR: You enjoy being boring?
GK: Some people call it "being boring," other people call it "listening". Anyway, you're here to do the Duct Tape commercial.
TR: That's right.
GK: Here's your check.
TR: Thanks.
GK: This portion of our show brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS) And here, speaking for duct tape, is Gov. Jesse Ventura.
TR: Less than a hundred days are left until the end of the millenium and, yeah, I know, some people say the millenium doesn't actually end until 2001, but you try telling that to a mob of people surrounding your house waving torches - rest assured, it's going to be hairy out there - whole power grid gone dark, no traffic signals, no radio, no water, no heat - you're going to see a lot of very nice Minnesotans who were part of organized religion suddenly turn into raving savages and that's why I've been stocking up on duct tape, because as a former Navy Seal, I know you gotta have your valuables right on your person like your passport - you want it taped right to your chest and also your jewelry. Forget about money and credit cards, that's gonna be worthless, but tape your diamonds and your Rolexes to ya. And forget about title cards - when it comes right down to it, the only title card I need is this .357 Magnum right here in my hand. That's how you know this Porsche is mine. And in addition to the ten rounds in the clip, I got two hundred more right here under my shirt, fastened to my chest, with duct tape.
GK: Thank you, Governor. Whenever you need something to be secured, reach for duct tape.
TR: How'd I do? You want me to give it another read? You want it tougher?
GK: That was great.
TR: I can take my shirt off but that's extra.
GK: That's okay. A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor