(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a steamy Fourth of July weekend, and all across the country families were gathering together to grill hamburgers and get on each others' nerves. I was sitting in my office in my stars and stripes boxer shorts, letting the window fan play across my lean and tanned torso, the muscles rippling as the babe in the pink terrycloth bathrobe who had just walked in the door let her fingers play in my blonde curls.
SS: You're so strong ... and yet so sensitive.
GK: Just then I was awakened by the phone. (PHONE RING) Hey. Don't stop - that's was great. I love it. (PHONE RING) Oh. Right. (HE CLEARS THROAT) (PICK UP) Yeah. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
TK (ON PHONE): You the private eye?
GK: Right. What can I do for you?
TK: Could you call up my brother and sister-in-law and tell them, " If you don't quit stealing our guest soap, you big dummies, you're going to be in big trouble."?
GK: Okay.
TK: They come over here and they steal the guest soaps right out of the bathroom. Those little scented soaps. My wife puts them in the downstairs biffy for guests.
GK: Okay. I can do that.
TK: I'd appreciate it. And tell em we want our hedge trimmer back too. (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: I tried to get back into my daydream, bring back the babe in the pink terrycloth bathrobe, but before I could get there ... (PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Tanya Tippett from the Bush for President Campaign. Jesse Ventura gave me your number.
GK: Okay.
SS: He said you've been a sort of political advisor to him.
GK: I advise the governor on personal things. Dress, for example.
SS: The governor wears a dress?
GK: No. But he used to wear sleeveless T-shirts and dark glasses encrusted with red rhinestones. He was frightening the third-graders. I got him to tone it down.
SS: I see. Well, we've got some photographs.
GK: Incriminating pictures?
SS: The governor went through a big party phase in his life, Mr. Noir, and some photographs have surfaced that we'd sort of like someone to deep-six.
GK: Pictures of a bimbo nature?
SS: No, not exactly. This is a picture of him in a grass skirt, wearing a brassiere made from two coconut halves, with his eyes crossed and a peanut in his left nostril.
GK: Sounds more like Dan Quayle.
SS: We've tracked down the photographer and he's up in your city. We don't know his name but we're pretty sure we know the address. If you could. (HER VOICE TRAILS OFF, AS MUSIC COMES UP)
GK: She gave me all the information she had, and I headed out to take care of the problem and on my way, I dropped in at the Five Spot. (DOOR. JINGLE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy. How's your Fourth of July going?
GK: Not bad. Not bad at all. Just got a case. Big one. Very hush hush. Hey. Nice. Red white and blue boiled eggs.
TR: I saw it on Martha Stewart.
GK: If I get a good fee out of it, I'll be able to afford a date. Haven't had a romantic moment with a woman since before the Whitewater investigation.
TR: That long, huh?
GK: It's been awhile.
TR: Want some advice, Guy? Invest in a toothbrush.
GK: Ya think?
TR: Trust me on that one. What can I get you?
GK: How about a Martini with a dash of Listerine?
TR: Coming right up ... the Halitosis Buster. (HE MOVES AWAY, POURS DRINK, SHAKES IT)
GK: A toothbrush, huh? I'll be darned. And just then, she walked in. (SEXY SAX) A tall willowy brunette in jeans so tight, they had to be sprayed on. And a T-shirt with Mount Rushmore on the front. Those four guys never looked so good. Especially Washington and Roosevelt. She was a firecracker, all right. And I was the one about to explode.
SS: This seat taken?
GK: Honey, you can sit anywhere you like, just so it's next to me, darlin.
SS: Listen, mister. Don't get your hopes up, okay? I'm working.
GK: Whatever you're working at, baby, let me tell you it's succeeding.
SS: Don't get any ideas, buddy. I'm a black belt in karate. I could take hold of your middle finger and flip you over like a pancake.
GK: I think I might enjoy that.
SS: I'm a security person.
GK: Good.
SS: I'm one of the Governor's security detail.
GK: Governor Ventura?
SS: You got it. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. BIG FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JESSE): Hey, Stella. Get me a beer, wouldja. And a package of beer nuts. Oh, hi, Guy.
GK: Hi, Governor. How's Independence Day going for you?
TR (JESSE): I didn't care for it. The special effects were good but Will Smith was really dopey.
GK: Not the movie, the day.
TR (JESSE): Oh. It's great. Got a big box of bottle rockets and about six dozen M-80s. Gonna have a ball.
SS: Here's your beer, Governor.
TR (JESSE): Thanks, Stella. (HE TAKES A COUPLE GULPS, AND BELCHES) Hey. Good brewski.
GK: Say, Governor? you mind if I ask a personal question?
TR (JESSE): Shoot.
GK: The writing across the top of your head.
TR (JESSE): Yeah?
GK: "Papa Jack's Family Fun Restaurants, Home of the Whoopee Burger."
TR (JESSE): What about it?
GK: You're selling advertising space on your skull?
TR (JESSE): What's wrong with that?
GK: It just struck me as unusual.
TR (JESSE): Is there a law against that? Huh? Is there, smart guy? I'm getting ten grand a day for that space. Ten grand.
GK: That's great.
SS: The governor calls a press conference and bows his head while he reads from a prepared statement and the top of his head gets seen by five million people.
TR (JESSE): Five million. And thirty million if I get on the national news.
SS: He's got a bonus clause for that.
GK: That's great. Congratulations.
TR (JIMMY): Here's your Martini, Guy. Hello, Governor.
TR (JESSE): Hiya.
TR (JIMMY): And here's your beer nuts.
TR (JESSE): Appreciate it. Say, where would I find the little boys' room?
TR (JIMMY): Right back there.
TR (JESSE): Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (PAUSE)
GK: So what's it like, working for Governor Ventura?
SS: Not bad. I get free medical and dental and he lets me borrow his earrings.
GK: Nice deal. (MUSIC UNDER) I finished my Martini, waiting for the Governor to return, and then I had another, for the road. And then one more for the driveway. I was feeling nice and relaxed. - He's been in there quite awhile, maybe you ought to take a look -
SS: The Governor doesn't like to rush, it's his private time. And it takes awhile for the polish to dry.
GK: Nail polish?
SS: No. Scalp polish.
GK: What does he use?
SS: A blush pink and a coat of clear lacquer. On a clear day you can see your face in it.
GK: Hey, Jimmy, did you know the longest continuous urination was 6 minutes 24 seconds by a man named Jim Banks?
TR (JIMMY): I had no idea.
GK: Six minutes and 24 seconds. Interesting, huh? A lot would go through a man's mind in that time.
TR (JIMMY): A lot of water, too.
GK: I looked it up. He did it as a bet in a tavern. In a little town in Maine. Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
TR (JIMMY): Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, huh?
GK: No. Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
TR (JIMMY): That's what I said. Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
SS: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. That doesn't sound like the name of a real town.
GK: It is. You can look it up in the Guinness Book. It's under P.
TR (JIMMY): P for Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin?
GK: Right. Anyway, the guy drank six gallons of Guinness and he was going strong, he was going to drink a couple more, and then his ex-wife came into the bar and yelled his name and he couldn't hold it any longer.
TR (JIMMY): Scared it right out of him, huh?
GK: Scared it right out of him, Jimmy. He went into the men's room and stood there for 6 minutes and 24 seconds.
TR (JIMMY): Wow. Talk about Number One. Was there a prize?
GK: No, just a great deal of relief, I would imagine.
TR (JIMMY): Speaking of prizes, here's comes the Governor. (BIG FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
GK: Have another beer, Governor?
TR (JESSE): No, I gotta run. Gotta get down to the post office and mail something.
GK: I noticed you carrying that big manila envelope. I hope you don't mind if I give you a word of advice.
TR (JESSE): What?
GK: Be careful you don't step across the line, Governor.
TR (JESSE): What's that supposed to mean?
GK: It's not against the law to send photographs through the mail, just be sure you don't ask to be paid money for not sending them, if you get my drift.
TR (JESSE): You working for George Bush?
GK: The Bush people know where these pictures are coming from, Governor.
TR (JESSE): Listen. I was only kidding. He's an old buddy of mine.
GK: You knew him?
TR (JESSE): George? Heck yes. Rest assured. We called him Busher. What a party animal. The guy kills me. He usedta crack me up so bad, the beer came out my nose. He does the best impression of Barbra Streisand you ever saw. Does a great Dr. Ruth. And a Carol Channing that's goes on and on - I got a picture of him in a sequinned dress and a platinum blonde wig. Which reminds me. He never gave it back.
GK: Where'd all this take place?
TR (JESSE): Up at his summer place. Little town in Maine. Not far from Kennebunkport.
SS: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin?
TR (JESSE): That's the place.
GK: Did Mr. Bush ever use a pseudonym, like Jim Banks for example?
TR (JESSE): As a matter of fact, now that you mention it -
GK: Don't tell me. I don't want to know. But don't get carried away with this stuff, okay?
TR (JESSE): Rest assured. And as long as we're giving advice, how about you buy a toothbrush, Guy?
SS: A little mouthwash wouldn't hurt, either.
GK: Okay, okay. I get the point. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor