(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Our show is brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bonjour, Maurice.
TK: Eh. What happened to you?
GK: What do you mean, what happened to me?
TK: Where have you been? We haven't seen you in months, monsieur. The chef, Henri, he has been sick with worry. Henri! (GIBBERISH SHOUTED) (DOOR OPENS, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
TR: FRENCH JOY AND GRIEF (FOUR CHEEK KISSES)
TK: You see? Henri, he worries - what happened to you? Eh? Were you sick? (FRENCH)
GK: I was busy, Maurice. I've been tremendously busy.
TK: Busy! You were too busy to eat?? Eh?
GK: Anyway it's good to be back here.
TK: You didn't go out to eat that whole time? You went to no restaurants?
GK: I don't know. I don't remember. Anyway, I'm sure darned hungry now.
TK: You betrayed us.
GK: Can I see a menu?
TK: You went to other restaurants, didn't you.
GK: A couple.
TK: A couple. Henri, he went to other restaurants.
TR: FRENCH GRIEF
GK: A person needs to try new things sometimes, Maurice.
TK: "A person needs to try new things." Listen to him. What do you want to try? Tell us. Henri will make it for you. Won't you, Henri?
TR: FRENCH ENTHUSIASM
TK: What do you want?
GK: Well, like sometimes I like to have a hamburger, Maurice.
TK: A what?
GK: A hamburger.
TK: You mean, aubergine?
GK: Hamburger.
TK: A German dish?
GK: Hamburger.
TK: Am I wearing lederhosen, monsieur? Eh?
GK: Hamburger. It's a patty of ground beef grilled and served in a bun.
TK: Ah! (FRENCH PHRASE) Henri, he wants a (FRENCH PHRASE).
TR: Oui! (FRENCH PHRASE)
GK: I didn't mean now -
TK: Of course not now. It takes time to cook. This isn't a fast food place. How do you want it?
GK: Okay, I'll have a hamburger. Medium rare.
TK: You'll have a what?
GK: I'll have a (FRENCH PHRASE).
TK: What do you mean, my crack is showing? It is not.
GK: I didn't say that.
TK: Henri, is my crack showing?
TR: (LOOKS. FRENCH NEGATIVE, SHRUG)
GK: I want the beef patty in the bun.
TK: Ah! The (FRENCH PHRASE). How do you want it?
GK: Medium.
TK: Medium! (FRENCH DISDAIN) Medium, monsieur! Medium is for elderly Methodists. For people who drive under the speed limit. For harpists and writers of memoirs about growing up in Iowa. For English people.
GK: Okay. Medium rare then.
TK: Medium rare! (FRENCH DISDAIN) Monsieur, medium rare is for librarians. It's for badminton players. For birdwatchers. Folksingers.
GK: Okay, okay. Rare.
TK: You want it rare, monsieur?
GK: Rare.
TK: Very rare?
GK: Yes.
TK: I salute you. France salutes you. (FRENCH, RESPECT) Henri! (FRENCH PHRASE) Rare!
TR: FRENCH ADMIRATION. FOUR CHEEK KISSES. FOOTSTEPS AWAY
TK: How about a wine with that, monsieur?
GK: Actually - I hope you're not going to get mad at me for this, but -
TK: But what?
GK: You're not going to yell at me, are you?
TK: Of course not.
GK: You are. I know you are.
TK: Of course I won't yell at you.
GK: You're going to blow up.
TK: Non, non, non, non.
GK; You're going to slap me.
TK: Non, non, non, non, non.
GK: You are. You're going to haul off and slap me one.
TK: Non, non, non.
GK: Promise?
TK: Promise.
GK: Cross your heart?
TK: Cross my heart.
GK: Okay. Promise?
TK: Promise.
GK: Monsieur, it's our great national holiday this weekend and in honor of Independence Day -
TK: Yes?
GK: And America, and freedom, and the right of each man to choose his own beverage no matter what -
TK: Yes?
GK: I'd like a ... cold beer. Okay? Is something wrong? Maurice? What?
TK: I hear something buzzing. Ah - it's a little mosquito. Ah - it's on your cheek, monsieur. Excuse me. (BIG HARD SLAP)
GK: Okay, okay. Wine.
TK: Good choice. - And thank you for listening to me. Which you should because, you know, monsieur, you owe your freedom to France. Yes. It's true. The King sent money, he sent ships, he sent men, he sent some decent mustard, some nice pate'. Without France, monsieur, you Americans would be drinking warm beer and eating fried fish wrapped in newspaper.
GK: And we're grateful to you for it.
TK: You should be. We gave you everything. We gave you Le jazz. Yes!
GK: You gave us le jazz?
TK: It is French. From New Orleans. If America was English, you'd be listening to fox trots at tea dances!
GK: Good point.
TK: Here's to Independence. (POURING)
GK: I was sort of thinking I'd like a white wine -
TK: You'll like this better. - To freedom, monsieur.
GK: To freedom.
TK: And to La Belle France. (CLINK)
GK: A message from the Cafe Boeuf. The home of good eaters, of freedom, of the passion for life (FRENCH PASSIONATE OUTBURST)- (PLAYOFF)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor