(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Tonight's show is brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
GK: As an Independence Day gift to yourself, you've finally managed to quit smoking. (BAD COUGH) About three hours ago. It's been tough. (HANDS SHAKING, UNWRAPPING WRAPPER) You've eaten about fifty chocolate bars. (TR MOUTH FULL) You've got six sticks of licorice chewing gum in your mouth. (TR CHEWING, MOUTH FULL) And your hands are shaking like leaves in a windstorm (TR TREMBLING) and you feel nauseous (TR ARGGGGH) but other than that, not bad. And it's all thanks to the help and encouragement of a beautiful woman. (SS: Hi. I'm Danielle. What's your sign?) You met her at your sister-in-law's book club. (SS: I adore her writing. I just adore it.) And a little remark she made to you afterward (SS: The smell of cigarettes. Ecchh. It makes me barf. Really) was what inspired you to quit. And now you put on your swim trunks and your Right to Bare Arms sleeveless T-shirt and you drive over to Danielle's parents' house in McLean for their annual Fourth of July pool party. You stop on the way to buy them a gift which turns out not to be a huge hit. (SS MOM, ICILY: I never knew K-mart made Chardonnay.) You discover then that her parents are diabetic recovering alcoholics. (SS MOM: Take this out to the garage, dear.) Nevertheless, they ask you in. And there's her dad. (TR RICH MAN: Hi. I'm Charles. A pleasure.) Dressed in a tweed sportcoat and white shirt and slacks. (TR RICH MAN: Nice swim trunks. If you drown, we'll certainly be able to find you right away, won't we.) You walk toward him to shake hands and you don't see that rolled-up rug (TR FALLING ANXIETY), which actually is the dog. (DOG YELP) The old family dog, Priscilla. You stepped on her leg. (DOG YELP) (SS MOM: Oh, poor thing. Is it broken?) It's not, but there's a sudden chill in the air. (TR RICH MAN: Maybe we should go down to the pool.) And there by the pool is Danielle's grandmother. (SS GRANDMA HACKING COUGH: Care for a smoke, sonny? Luckies. Unfiltered.) (SS GRANDMA DEEP DRAG, AND EXHALE: You're not the idiot who stepped on my dog, are you?) You sit just downwind of Grandma and breath in the fumes. (TR DEEP BREATH AND INTENSE PLEASURE) suddenly you feel this overwhelming urge for just one cigarette. (TR WHIMPER) Got to be strong. (TR: Be strong!) Don't wimp out. (TR: No wimping out.) But gosh it smells good. (TR INHALE AND PLEASURE) (SS GRANDMA: You sure you don't want a Lucky? I've smoked 'em for fifty years. Look at me.) You excuse yourself (TR UNDER GREAT STRESS: Be right back. FAST FOOTSTEPS) and you go inside to regain your composure. (TR SHAKY SIGH) You find the guest bathroom (CLOSE DOOR) and splash water on your face. (SPLASH, TR INVIGORATION) And then you turn off the spigot, and (CLUNK) the handle breaks off. (TR ALARM) (WATER SPRAY UNDER HIGH PRESSURE) Water is spraying out the top of it. (TR PANIC) You can't turn it off! You try hitting it with your shoe. (BANGING) It gushes out harder. (HIGH PRESSURE SPRAY) You're ankle deep in water. Finally, you remember the cutoff valve under the sink (WATER SPRAY GRADUALLY DIMINISHES) and you turn it off and you take a towel (TR ANXIETY) and mop up the flood (SOPPING SFX) and you have to use your T-shirt too and a roll of toilet paper but you get it mostly wiped up and then you look down at the front of your shorts (TR GASP) - a great big dark wet spot. (TR AGONY OF SHAME) You can't go back to the pool looking like you lost control. (TR SLIPPING OUT OF SHORTS) You take off your trunks, and try shaking them dry. (FLAPPING) No good. You blow on them (TR PUFFING). That doesn't do much. You open the bathroom window (WINDOW CREAKING OPEN) and shake them out in the sun. (FLAPPING) Then suddenly (WOOF) the dog - (RIP) snatches the trunks in her jaws (DOG BARK, OFF) and tears across the yard. (DISTANT DOG BARK) And there you are naked as the day you were born, except hairier and not quite so proportional. You take the tiny guest towel (DOOR EASED OPEN) and hold it in front of you and tiptoe out the door and down the hall (TR ANXIOUS BREATHING) and turn a corner and (TR HORROR, SS GRANDMA SCREAM) it's Grandma. She faints at the sight of you and falls to the floor. (THUMP) and (DISTANT CRIES, FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) as the whole family comes rushing in you throw yourself into the hall closet (DOOR SLAM) and sit down on a big yellow cardboard box, surrounded by umbrellas and raincoats and smelly galoshes. (TR ANXIOUS WEEPING) The woman of your dreams two feet away on the other side of the door. (SS OFF: Grandma, have you been sniffing glue again?) You look around the closet in your terror and anxiety and (TR GASP) - what is that sticking out of that raincoat pocket? Could it be? (TR: Yes, it is! FUMBLING WRAPPING.) A pack with one cigarette left. (TR: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. LIGHT MATCH. TR INHALE AND EXHALE. SIGH OF SATISFACTION) And then (TR SNIFFING)- what is that smell? (TR SNIFFING) Is something burning? You look down and see that a little piece of string is burning. (TR INTEREST) A piece of string sticking out of the top of that yellow cardboard box. And then you read the word in big letters on the box. (TR: Fireworks. Uh huh. So, that's not a string, it's a fuse. ONE BEAT. TR: FIREWORKS!!! CRY OF TERROR, DOOR OPEN. FIREWORKS EXPLODING. ROCKETS, FIRECRACKERS, CHERRY BOMBS) And out you go, naked, as Danielle's house goes up in flames (DISTANT SIREN), and you dash (TR BREATHING HARD, RUNNING BARE FEET) bare naked across the lawn and up the street and through somebody's yard and into the woods and down a path and through a clearing and you're running as fast as you can and you don't see that tent rope (BOINNGG, TR TERROR AND FALL) and you go flying right through the tent (RIPPPPP) and you land on top of some people. (SS GIRL: Mrs. Danielson?) It's the Girl Scouts. (SS GIRL: Mrs. Danielson, there's a naked man in our tent.)
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor