(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Tonight's show is brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. Barb's sister got mad and said she'd never speak to anybody again and so far she's kept her word. I managed to get out of the employee karaoke party by saying I was in dialysis that night. One of the kids had a bad drug experience watching television which actually was his clothes dryer but he saw angels flying through the clouds up to heaven and he's been a straight arrow ever since. And the people who've been trying for years to get us to come over and watch their Garth Brooks video were arrested for shoplifting.
We should have been happy. So I was surprised to find Barb sitting up late at night watching the Shopping Channel. - Honey? What's wrong? You don't need any more cubic zirconia or polyester pantsuits with rhinestones on the lapel.
SS: Oh, Jim. I was stuck in traffic for half an hour today behind a van with one of those "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers.
TR: So?
SS: It just made me feel bad about our kids.
TR: We can make up our own bumper sticker: "Proud Parents of A Kid Who Is Gradually Coming To Terms With His Own Behavior."
SS: I wanted Jim Jr. to become a doctor or a professor. I wanted him to graduate from school in a cap and gown, not a paper hat and a badge that said, "Ask Me About Our Chicken Bucket".
TR: Hey, he got his M.F.A.
SS: Right. Manufactured Food Assistant.
TR: Institute of Fast Food Eateries. Our boy, an IFFY grad.
SS: Where did we go wrong?
TR: Could have been worse, Barb. What if he became a TV evangelist?
SS: The neighbor kids went to college. What do they have that ours don't?
TR: High school diplomas, for one thing.
SS: I've been thinking maybe we should find a hideaway in the Great Smokey Mountains. Take new identities. Learn the accent. Start a designer barbecue sauce.
TR: That's not the answer, Barb.
SS: No?
TR: Self-esteem isn't our problem, Barb. We're just not getting enough ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help a person come to terms with life's disappointments.
SS: Oh, Jim.
TR: How about I go heat up a big bowl of ketchup now and we'll have it with crackers.
RD:
These are the good years. Cabin in the grove.GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
Mists on the mountain, fire in the stove.
Life is flowing like ketchup on meat loaf.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup ...
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor