(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME & SONG)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a balmy June day, a day so calm and blue that the city seems to take a deep breath and everybody who was just about to heave their computer out the window decides to sit down and take it easy. I was sitting waiting for the mail and wishing there'd be a check and hoping the phone'd ring and that it'd be a beautiful woman needing my services but instead - (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Guy Noir, Private Eye.
TK (ON PHONE): Say, I'm trying to work the crossword, I'm wondering if you could help me out.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
GK: Excuse me, sir. - Yeah, come in. (DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: Just me, bringing your mail.
GK: Oh, thanks, Mavis. Is that all?
SS: That's it. One postcard and one women's swimwear catalogue. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, DOOR CLOSE)
GK: Sorry, sir. What were you -
TK (ON PHONE): The crossword. Eight-letter word meaning "The End." Starts with C. Ends with S.
GK: I got no idea.
TK (ON PHONE): Could you check into it for me?
GK: Get one of those crossword dictionaries.
TK (ON PHONE): I can't. I'm at home.
GK: Well, leave home and go get one.
TK (ON PHONE): Well, could you go get me one? You're not doing anything, are you?
GK: How do you know?
TK (ON PHONE): I can tell.
GK: I'm actually very busy. On the Murchison case.
TK (ON PHONE): What's that?
GK: It's confidential! Beat it. (SLAMS PHONE DOWN) I was about to hurl the phone out the window when I noticed the cover of the swimwear catalogue - (SEXY SAX) a very charming young woman striding out of the water, big white grin - gosh, I love it when they do that - wearing a swim suit so tight she'd have to get out of it before she could change her mind - And tiny. I've seen more cotton on a Q-tip. She was looking straight at me with her big blue eyes as if ... as if ...
SS (REVERB): I was looking for you everywhere.
GK: Well, I'm not everywhere, I'm just here.
SS (REVERB): I know. I know. People say I'm crazy for loving you - crazy - but what do they know about love? I'll show them what love is. And first I'll show you. Let me go get out of this tiny wet swimsuit and into something dry and translucent.
GK: Good idea. (SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, AWAY) She strode across the deck toward the cabana and then - I was jolted back to reality by the sound of the postcard.
TR (SOUTHERN): Howdy from Knoxville.
GK: It was one of those postcards with the tiny audio chip imbedded in it and everytime you squeeze it -
TR (SOUTHERN): Howdy from Knoxville.
GK: It was a postcard from Sugar, my old girlfriend. She'd gone on a trip with her new boyfriend. She dumped the civil engineer and hooked up with a travel agent named Sid. A dapper little guy who had a habit of suddenly jetting off to Khartoum or Hong Kong or Kathmandu. Or Knoxville. The postcard said:
SS (SUGAR): Hi, Guy. Sid and I are having the most wonderful time. Knoxville is gorgeous. I'm thinking about taking up banjo. Sid loves banjo. And he sure loves me. Glad you're not here. Love, Sugar
GK: A banjo player!
TR (SOUTHERN): Howdy from Knoxville.
GK: My Sugar sitting around playing "Bile Them Cabbage Down" in a parking lot with a lot of people in campers eating barbecue and Moon Pies? (MUSIC BRIDGE) I headed over to the Five Spot to check with my personal counselor, Jimmy. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, FOOTSTEPS, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS.)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, there, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Not so good.
TR (JIMMY): You look sort of blue.
GK: I am.
TR (JIMMY): I've been feeling blue lately and then I thought, hey, maybe I oughta renovate the place. Give it a whole new look.
GK: Really.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, I'm gonna start by changing the lighting.
GK: New fixtures?
TR (JIMMY): No, I'm just going to change that light bulb over there.
GK: Oh.
TR: It burned out about ten years ago and I never got around to putting in a new one. --By the way, there's a guy who came in here looking for you, Guy.
GK: Oh.
TR (SOUTHERN): Howdy from Knoxville.
TR (JIMMY): What'd you say?
GK: It's just a postcard from Sugar. In my pocket. A talking postcard.
TR (JIMMY): Oh. What can I get you?
GK: I shouldn't have anything. But why don't you make me a Martini.
TR (JIMMY): With a twist?
GK: No, why don't you put a great big cockroach in it so I won't drink it.
TR (JIMMY): One prevention Martini, coming up. (FADING, MIXES DRINK OFF)
TK: You Guy Noir?
GK: Didn't I just talk to you on the phone?
TK: Yeah. About the crossword puzzle.
GK: Right. Eight letters, beginning with C, means "The End". I'm still working on it.
TK: Good. Appreciate it.
GK: I'll let you know when I think of something.
TK: Okay.
GK: I'll get back to you as soon as I can, okay?
TK: Okay. I'll just wait -
GK: Would you mind waiting over there?
TK: Over there?
GK: Right. It's hard for me to concentrate with someone breathing on me.
TK (FADING): Okay. I'll be right over here.
GK: Good. I'll let you know.
TK (OFF): I'm right here. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
GK: And just then she walked in (SEXY SAX). She looked a lot like the woman on the swimwear catalogue except she appeared to be dry.
SS: Hi.
GK: She was tall and blonde except she'd dyed the roots brunette, a nice move. Her T-shirt was so tight, it was more like a tourniquet. I watched carefully to make sure she was breathing. She was. So was I.
SS: I'm Nichole Knox. Do you know if there are any messages for me?
GK: No, but give me a minute and I'll think of one.
SS: I'm here to meet a friend.
GK: You just did. Where have you been all my life, gorgeous?
SS: Well, for the first half of it, I wasn't born.
GK: Right. Good point. I like your T-shirt. T.G.I.F. Thank God It's Friday.
SS: No. It stands for "This Goes In Front."
GK: Jimmy, another martini for the lady. Double the gin, and hold the roach.
SS: I need to find the ladies' room first.
GK: You go right ahead. I'll just sit here and wait. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
TK (OFF): You got any ideas yet?
GK: I'm working on it.
TK (OFF): Okay. Don't mean to rush you.
GK: Don't worry.
TK: How about a three letter word for "pest?
GK: You.
TK: Thanks. Hey. It fits.
GK: I'll say.
(PHONE RING, OFF. TR JIMMY ANSWERS: Five Spot? Who? Oh. Right.)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
TR (JIMMY, APPROACHING): Phone for you, Guy. And here's your Martini with the cockroach.
GK: Thanks. - Hello. This is Guy Noir.
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Thad Wilkins from the Al Gore for President Campaign. Governor Jesse Ventura gave us your number.
GK: I see. I haven't heard from the Governor lately. Been worried about him. When you use that many steroids, there's always the danger that your biceps could travel up to your skull.
TR: Governor Ventura says you're a pretty smart political advisor.
GK: Well, I'm the one who told him to stick with only one earring per lobe. Is Mr. Gore thinking about earrings, Mr. Wilkins?
TR: Thinking about it. We've formed an advisory committee on earrings. They're also looking at the idea of a very small ponytail. We're trying to make him edgier - hipper, you know - funny, trying to get him to memorize some good ad libs.
GK: I don't care for political jokes, Mr. Willens. Too many of them get elected to office. Anyway, what can I do for you?
TR: That's what I called to find out. We're just sitting here in big rooms trying to focus.
GK: On what?
TR: That's what we're trying to figure out.
GK: Well, where do I come in?
TR: Where would you like to come in?
GK: Let me ask you: does your campaign have a manager?
TR: Are you interested?
GK: In what?
TR: Whatever you'd like.
GK: Listen, Mr. Williams, why don't you call me when you think of something -
TR: It's Willens.
GK: Okay, Willens.
TR: But Williams is fine too.
GK: Good luck with it, okay?
TR: If you want to call me Williams, I'm fine with that.
GK: Great. Talk to you soon.
TR: Probably the name was Williams and they changed it.
GK: Okay? I'm hanging up now.
TR: In a way, I sort of prefer - (HANG UP)
TK: Any clues yet?
GK: No.
TK: Okay. Not trying to rush you or anything.
GK: Good.
TK: Just sitting here waiting.
GK: Fine.
TK: Your drink's got a cockroach in it, you know.
GK: I'm aware of that. He seems to like gin. Some of them do, you know. - Hey! Gorgeous! (FOOTSTEPS)
TK: Gorgeous?? Is that eight letters? (FAST FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Hey where you going?
SS: I've got to go wash my hair.
GK: It looks nice to me.
SS: I still gotta wash it. For Tony.
GK: Come on. Please.
TR (SOUTHERN): Howdy from Knoxville.
GK: Please.
SS: Who was that? - Hi, Tony.
TR (PUNK): Hi Angel. This guy bothering you?
SS: No. Not that much.
GK: Okay. Well, good to meet you, and let's get together and talk about your financial plan some other time. Bye.
SS: Ciao. (DOOR JINGLES OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, CLOSE.) (PAUSE) (FOOTSTEPS OF GUY BACK TO BAR)
TR (JIMMY): Aw, cheer up. She was too dumb for you anyway.
GK: I'm a lot more shallow than I may look, Jimmy. (PAUSE) What's with the stepladder?
TR (JIMMY): Gonna change that bulb. (CREAK OF STEPLADDER)
TK (OFF): Gorgeous is eight letters but it doesn't work. It's gotta mean "The End".
GK: To some people, gorgeous is The End.
TK (OFF): Yeah, but it's gotta start with a C.
GK: Careful, Jimmy. That ladder is a little loose, isn't it. (TR REACHING UP HIGH, SCREWING IN BULB)
TR (JIMMY): There we go. Voila. Let there be light. (STEPS DOWN LADDER) Wow, what a difference. Gee, Guy, I didn't realize you were that white. Hey. Looks like your cockroach died.
GK: You're right. Curtains for the little guy.
TK (OFF): Hey. That's the word. Curtains.
TR (JIMMY): You okay, Guy?
GK: Just as soon as the pain goes away and the depression sets in, I'll be fine. Here's looking at you, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Aren't you gonna take out the cockroach?
GK: Protein, Jimmy. Life is protein. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor