(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(WESTERN THEME, CATTLE, HORSES, WHOOPS)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys ... brought to you by Reno Brand Collagen Creme. If disappointment and heartbreak have caused your skin to sag, be young and hopeful again with Reno Brand Collagen Creme. And now let's join Dusty and Lefty for another exciting adventure. (HOOVES, HORSES, CATTLE)
GK: Maybe we oughta total em up before we hit Reno, Dusty.
TR: Already did. We got three hundred thirty-four and three-quarters cattle.
GK: How'd you get that?
TR: Counted the hooves and divided by four.
GK: Well, why don't we just round it off to the nearest whole cow.
TR: Whatever.
GK; Three hundred thirty-five head. If prices hold steady, that should earn us enough for two, three days in Reno. According to my GIHO formula.
TR: GIHO?
GK: Grass In, Hamburger Out.
TR: "Ten Miles To The Biggest Little City in the World..."
GK: That's it. Reno, Nevada.
TR: I can't wait to get to the hotel and change into my black shirt and head down to the casino.
GK: I think I'll stay in my room. You know what they say: two's company, three's a herd. (MUSIC BRIDGE. OUTDOOR URBAN NIGHT, CARS PASSING)
GK: Sure has changed since I saw it last.
TR: Sure has. Lots of those family hotels and casinos.
GK: The Henny Penny, The Dillar A Dollar A Ten O'Clock Scholar.
TR: Look, there's a casino called Goodnight Moon. What does that flashing sign say?
GK:
Goodnight great big stacks of chips,TR: I believe I'm going to step in there for a few moments. I feel Lady Luck blowing in my ear, Lefty.
Goodnight cash in the money clips.
Goodnight casino and neon signs,
Goodnight jack and pair of nines,
GK: Dusty, what you know about gambling wouldn't fill a buzzard's bellybutton.
TR: Buzzards don't have bellybuttons.
GK: Exactly my point.
TR: What about that time I won a hundred bucks from that slot machine at Tahoe?
GK: Dusty, think back. That machine paid off in postage stamps. Remember?
TR: So?
GK: It was a stamp machine.
TR: So? I came out even. - I'll see you later.
GK: Dusty, you go in and lose your money, don't ask me for a loan, okay?
TR: The thought never even crossed my mind.
GK: Well, maybe it ought to. Cattle prices are down, pardner. Whatever you got right there, that's got to see you through the month.
TR: You talk like you were my mother or something.
GK: Just telling you what you need to know. Don't bet what you can't stand to lose.
TR: I don't need your advice.
GK: I wish I could be sure about that. And take that cigarette holder out of your mouth.
TR: That's my good luck charm.
GK: It looks dumb.
TR: I don't care how it looks, I care what it does.
GK: It makes you look like a small-time grifter.
TR: It's good luck. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
SS (KANDY): So - you're in the oil business, Mr. -
TR (DUSTY): Conoco.
SS: Conoco. That's an interesting name.
TR: Glad you like it.
SS: What's your first name?
TR: Rocky.
SS: You come to Reno often, Mr. Conoco?
TR: Whenever I can get away from the oilfields, Kandy.
SS: I just can't believe it. A big oil man. Here at my show. Me. Kandy Kane. My horoscope this morning said, "Big things are in store for you," and gosh, it came true.
TR: My lucky day, too, Honey bunch. Gosh, I walked in the door and saw you up on stage dancing to "Swan Lake" and my heart gave a great big leap.
SS: You like "Swan Lake"?
TR: Crazy about it. Especially with you wearing those feathers.
SS: Well, you gotta go naked when you're young, I say. Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever!
TR: I just hate to think of all these other guys sitting looking at you.
SS: Aww, that's just life.
TR: That's life???
SS: Life is an endless struggle, Mr. Conoco, full of incredible frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
TK: Okay. Eunice. Break's over. Let's go.
SS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming, coming....See you later, Rocky.
TR: Hey, you wouldn't mind lending me a fifty, could you, Snuggums? Left my billfold in my Lear jet.
SS: Not at all. It would be a pleasure. (SHE WALKS AWAY) Gosh. Me lending money to an oil tycoon. Who woulda thunk it?
(SWAN LAKE MUSIC, WITH TAP DANCE. MUSIC SEGUES TO BRIDGE.)
GK: How do these darn keys work, anyway? Oh. There. (CLICK OF LOCK, OPEN DOOR. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSE. FIFTEEN FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.) Big room. Well, there's the bedroom. Bathroom must be this way. (TWENTY FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. SFX SLOT MACHINE) Wow. Slot machine on the wall beside the toilet. Don't believe I've ever seen that before. Taking things a little far, if you ask me. (DOOR CLOSE, SFX OUT. TWENTY FOOTSTEPS) Think I'll order room service and sit and play guitar for awhile. (PICK UP PHONE. DIAL FOUR NUMBERS. PAUSE. RING)
SS (RECORDED VOICE ON PHONE): Welcome to The Lucky Buck Room Service. Open twenty-four hours for your convenience. While you wait for a room service representative to take your order, why not enter the Lucky Buck Room Service Daily Double Lottery. Simply press a four digits on your telephone key pad followed by Star. (GK HANGS UP)
GK: Awww. Maybe I'll just grab my guitar and go find a cafe. (MUSIC BRIDGE. CASINO AMBIENCE)
GK: Hey, mister - I'm looking for a cafe -
TR (PUNK): Got ten of em. Take your choice. Same menu in each one.
GK: Also wondering if you mighta seen a friend of mine. Guy in a black shirt, cowboy hat, boots -
TR (PUNK): You're describing half the people I know.
GK: - Cigarette holder.
TR (PUNK): Oh. Him.
GK: You see him?
TR (PUNK): I tried not to look, but, yeah - he was here.
GK: Slots?
TR (PUNK): Blackjack.
GK: Oh oh. How long did it take?
TR (PUNK): He tapped out in ten minutes.
GK: You see which way he went?
TR (PUNK): He went down. Like a rock. He sank.
GK: Okay. I better go look for him. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
SS: So how'd you like my dancing, Mr. Conoco? I did that big leap especially for you.
TR (DUSTY): It was beautiful, Kandy.
SS: You know, for a Conoco, you're really just like a normal person. I mean, you're not snooty or anything. You're just folks. I like that. I like you. I like you a lot.
TR: Well, I like you too.
SS: You do?
TR: Sure.
SS: How much?
TR: A lot.
SS: How much is a lot?
TR: A lot.
SS: You love me more than anybody else in the world?
TR: Well, there isn't anybody else. Except Mama.
SS: So do you love me more than you love anybody except Mama?
TR: I guess I do.
SS: Wouldja like to get to know me better so you can make sure?
TR: Sure.
SS: Well, I get off work in fifteen minutes. Let's go get married.
TR: Married?? Us??
SS: Why not? "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may," as the poet once said.
TR: He did?
SS: You gotta go for it when you get the chance cause you may never have the chance again. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
TR: I'm not sure I follow you.
SS: Kiss me, you fool. (SHE LOCKS HIM IN A KISS. DUSTY WRITHES, MOANS, TRIES TO GET OUT. SHE MOANS. THE KISS LASTS FIFTEEN SECONDS. THEN POP OF RELEASE. BOTH BREATHING HARD.) Wow! Boy! You sure know how to kiss a girl, Rocky.
TK: On stage, Eunice. Showtime.
SS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you later, Rocky. You just made me the happiest girl in Reno. (SHE SQUEALS)
TR: Oh boy. (MUSIC BRIDGE) (CASINO AMBIENCE. FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Doggone you, Dusty. Where'd you go to? Not in any of the cafes, not in the bar - (FOOTSTEPS CHANGE DIRECTION) where are you, dang it? Toldja not to throw your money down a rat hole and you go do it anyway - (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Ah. Telephone. I better call the police. Hope I got me a quarter. Here. (PUTS COIN IN SLOT, IT GOES DOWN CHUTE) (SHAKES HANDLE) What kind of telephone is this, you can't even get the receiver off the hook? (PULLS HANDLE OF SLOT. CASCADE OF COINS. A LONG SERIES. WITH A FEW ORPHANS FALLING AT THE END)
SS (BREATHY FEMME FATALE): Hi. Did you drop something?
GK: This wasn't a pay phone?
SS: No. It was the Silver Dollar Jackpot. And you just won it. Congratulations. Oh! I see you're a musician. Wonderful.
GK: Just a guitarist.
SS: I love guitarists. I happen to be a record producer. Ruby's the name. Ruby Yott. You don't by any chance happen to write original songs, do you?
GK: As a matter of fact I got a couple on me right here.
SS: Oh wow. Oh my gosh. Isn't this something? I can't believe it. I come to the casino and I bump into a real songwriter. Would you mind playing one for me?
GK: Well, I reckon I could let you hear one. Why don't we find us a quiet place? (MUSIC BRIDGE)
TR (DUSTY): I don't know about marriage, Kandy. I'd hate for you to have to give up your career dancing and everything.
SS (KANDY): I wouldn't give it up. I'd do it with an even greater intensity.
TR (DUSTY): But where we going to find someone to marry us at this hour?
SS (KANDY): We can choose between the Elvis Chapel of Love or the Liberace Chapel of Love or the Sacred Shrine of the Partridge Family. (MUSIC BRIDGE, SEGUE INTO LEFTY GUITAR)
GK: (SINGING) And I'll never forget little ole Laura and that sweet memory. Yodleadi -
So what do you think, Ruby?
SS: I am stunned speechless. Can you come to my office? Now? To sign a contract?
GK: You're offering me a recording contract?
SS: I am indeed.
GK: Oh wow. This is like a dream of mine.
SS: Your dream come true. With your payment of the standard one-thousand dollar good-faith deposit.
GK: Good faith deposit?
SS: It's just a formality. We put the money in the bank, and you get it back when the royalties start to roll in.
GK: Well - would you mind if I give it to you in small bills and silver dollars?
SS: Not at all. I'll go get a sack. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
(TRAFFIC PASSING. FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK)
GK: Gosh. Two more weeks and I'll be in the studio, cutting my first CD, and a couple weeks after that I will be subject to the adulation of the American record-buyer - I can't wait to tell Dusty. The message said to meet him at 15684 Lucky Avenue. (FOOTSTEPS STOP. TRAFFIC) This looks like it but it's a little church. With an illuminated revolving lifesize statue of Elvis on top of it. (FOOTSTEPS, STOP.) Here's the doorbell. (CHIMES: HERE COMES THE BRIDE) (DOOR OPEN)
TK: Yeah? Chapel's occupied. You looking for somebody?
GK: Looking for Dusty, my pardner. Hey! (FOOTSTEPS) Dusty!
TR: Hi Lefty. Thanks for coming, pardner.
GK: What you doing in the tuxedo? Who's this?
SS (KANDY): I am Mr. Conoco's fiancee, the interpretive dancer Kandy Kane. Nee Eunice Drobnick. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. -
TR: Rutherford.
GK: Rutherford. Baines G. Rutherford. Call me Baines.
SS (KANDY): You're just in time, the wedding is about to begin -
GK: You two are -
TR: (MOURNFULLY) That we are.
GK: You and Mr. Conoco fell in love, I take it -
SS (KANDY): When it happens, it happens fast, don't you think?
TK: Are you the best man?
GK: I don't know as I'd say so, but -
TK: You stand here -
GK: You don't mind if I provide some music too -
TK: Just a reminder that here at the Chapel of Love there is a five-drink minimum. And we do have a rule against rice. And please specify whether you want the 5X9 or the 8X11 glossies. And now I'll start the recording. (CHEESY ORGAN)
TR (ELVIS, ON TAPE): Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this evening to join this man and this woman in a hunka hunka burning matrimony. If any one present knows of any reason why this man and this woman should not be joined in a hunka hunka burning matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. Yeah.
TK: Pssst. This is the place where you sing if you want to.
GK: Okay. (STRUMS) (SINGS)
We fell in love in Reno(YODEL) SS (KANDY): (SOBBING) That's so meaningful. I love it.
Over a game of roulette
I put down my money
And found me a honey
Who looked like a pretty good bet
Here in the city of Reno,
I drew the winning card
Some bet on a pony
Some pay alimony
But I got the queen of my heart.
GK: Thank you.
SS (KANDY): (SOBBING) You just summed up all of my feelings in that one song, mister. I guess that's the mark of a true artist. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
GK: You're welcome.
TR: Wait a minute. I ain't gonna marry anybody who likes Lefty's singin'. I'm not that crazy.
SS (KANDY): But I love you!
TR (ELVIS): Do you, Rocky, take this woman, Kandy, to be your lawfully wedded wife?
TR (DUSTY): Hell no. Lefty's singing has been driving me nuts for years. If you like it, then you got the brains of a pop-up toaster.
SS: How can you do this to me?
TR: Let me show you. C'mon, Lefty. Let's get outta here. (BRIDGE, AND HORSES HOOVES, NIGHT AMBIENCE. DESERT)
TR: Wow, that was a close call. I owe you, pardner.
GK: Aw, it was nothing.
TR: When's your CD going to come out?
GK: Not as soon as I thought. Something came up. My producer had to leave town. She said to call her in a couple months.
TR: You think she's going to call?
GK: I don't think so, no.
TR: Well, you're certainly taking it well. The loss of a thousand dollars.
GK: The secret of staying calm in a crisis, Dusty, is not having all the facts. Or to put it another way, he who laughs last, thinks slowest.
TR: So where we headin?
GK: Out there, I guess. Same as always. (WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys, brought to you by Reno Brand Collagen Creme.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor