(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: As you can imagine, you don't draw this big a crowd in Reno by promising to tell them stories about a small town in the Midwest and having a sing-along on "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" - the poster said, "Prairie Home Companion ... LIVE ... win big money" (TYMPANI ROLL)
TR ANNOUNCER: Saturday! One performance only! The Internationally Famous Prairie Home Companion ... giving away one hundred million lire - yes, one hundred million lire - one show, one chance to win one hundred million lire. (DRUM BUTTON)
GK: And the advertising said there'd be a collision, before your very eyes, of two locomotives - and here it is - (TK CHUGGING, TWO SETS OF CHUGS, ONE FASTER, ONE LONGER, AND A BIG CLANK) - and it also said the show would feature Buck the Singing Elk -
TK: Hi.
GK: You're Buck?
TK: Right.
GK: Okay.
TK: (SINGING) Oh Danny boy the pipes the pipes are calling From glen to glen and down the mountain side ...
GK: Okay. Thanks. And the advertising said we'd have a reenactment of the sinking of the "Titanic" so we'd like to do that for you now - (SHIP'S HORN, LONG CRUNCH, DISTANT CRIES OF TERROR, ALARM, RUNNING FEET, MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS, WEEPING, DOG BARK, VOICE ON P.A: To the boats! RATCHET OF BOAT, MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS, ALL: MOUTH HORNS: Nearer My God To Thee, CRUNCHING AND CRACKLING, RUNNING, CRIES OF TERROR, BIG MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS AND SINKING) - and that's not all, we also have comedian Sammy Samson -
TR: Hey. So this guy walks into the supermarket and buys a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen chicken dinner. The checkout woman says, "You're single, aren't you?" The man says, "How did you guess?" She says, "Because you're ugly." (RIMSHOT) So the guy goes to a Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, who looks at him and says, "OK, take off all your crose." So the man does. Dr. Chang looks at him and he says, "Your probrem velly bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease."
The guy says, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
"It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt." (RIMSHOT AND BAND PLAYOFF)
GK: We also have thirteen-year-old singing sensation Little Lee Ann Tooey ...
SS (GIRL): Somewhere over the rainbow
GK: And we'll also be doing the eruption of Mount St. Helens (LOW RUMBLING AND BLOW AND BUBBLING OF LAVA) and we'll have a display of trick shooting by Hank Hawkins hanging by his feet from a helicopter flying a hundred miles an hour and breaking this martini glass that Sheila is holding in her hand. Ready, Sheila?
SS: Ready.
(CHOPPER APPROACHES, GUNSHOT, GLASS BREAKAGE, CHOPPER FADES)
GK: No, sir. You don't draw this kind of audience in Reno, Nevada, just by talking about kittycats and telling jokes about Norwegians, you need a seal that balances a ball on its nose - okay, Sparky? (SEAL BARKS, BALANCE, CLAPS FLIPPERS) Very good. And now standing on top of that ball, Miss Nude World 1999, the very lovely Miss Sheila - (WALKS OUT QUICKLY IN HIGH HEELS, STOPS)
SS: Thank you, very much. (CROWD OOHHHS) (SEAL BARKS, LASCIVIOUSLY)
GK: This crowd didn't come to see a guy talk about tomatoes, it came to see the sinking of the Titanic (BRIEF CLIP: MOUTH HORNS PLAYING NEARER, CRIES, CRUNCHING, SHIP HORN) and it came to see those trains collide (CHUGGING) and it came for Sammy Samson
TR: When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets prrrrretty crowded. (RIMSHOT)
GK: And to hear 13-year-old Lee Ann Tooey -
SS (GIRL): Somewhere over the rainbow
GK: It came for the eruption of Mt. St. Helen's (LAVA BUBBLING) and to have a chance at the big prize - (TYMP ROLL)
SS: And the winner of the hundred million lire is ... Roberto Benigni. (TR BENIGNI ITALIAN JABBERING & WEEPING)
GK: It came to see Hank Hawkins hanging from the helicopter (CHOPPER PASS, GUNSHOT, GLASS BREAKAGE) and to see Miss Nude World 1999 and Sparky (SEAL EXCITEMENT). It's so true in show business that what works just works - little kids, danger, and nudity. And one other thing that works is when the singer goes into the audience with a hand held microphone and kisses people - I always wanted to do this but I had to wait til I got to Reno -
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor