(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(WESTERN THEME, HORSES)
SS: Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Butte' Brand Facial Scrub. Riding the range and sleeping on the ground is no reason to suffer from clogged pores. Rinse impurities away with Butte' Facial Scrub. Available in Manly Mesquite and Cactus Creme. And now, let's join Dusty and Lefty for today's exciting adventure.
(HORSE SFX, LOW CHICKEN MURMURING)
GK: Hey, Dusty. You take a head count on the herd?
TR: Yep, they're all here. All ten thousand.
(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)
TR: I never thought I'd see the day we'd be driving a herd of free range chickens. Just glad my pals ain't around to see me now in my hour of shame.
GK: Haw. Git. (CHICKEN FLURRY) Got to give the people what they want, Dusty.
TR (DISGUSTED): Whoopie ti yi yo, git along, little pullet.
GK: Ten thousand head of Coop-Free Chickens.
TR: Ain't either Poop-Free. What do you call that? That ain't boot polish!
GK: I said Coop-Free. Cheer up, Dusty. Almost there. We'll collect our check and take a hot bath and scrape our boots and nobody'll ever know.
TR (READING): Here's the sign right here. "Welcome to Butte, Montana. Population That's For Us to Know, and You to Find Out."
GK: Tough town, apparently. And there's the place we're supposed to be deliverin' the chickens.
TR: The Copper Casserole Cafe. "Home of the Free Range Barbequed Chicken and Raddiccio Pizza."
(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)
GK: Easy there.
TR: I'll take the chickens round back, you go on in and get the check. Git! (TR WHOOPS, FADE)
(CHICKEN SQUAWKS, MUSIC BRIDGE. CAFE AMBIENCE. FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP.)
SS: Welcome to the Copper Casserole, my name is Cheryl, would you prefer a table by the window or by the waterfall?
GK: I'm just here delivering ten-thousand chickens, ma'am. I believe you should have a check for me.
SS: Are these free-range chickens, mister?
GK: They're about as free as they can be and still arrive on time in one group.
SS: And you haven't interfered with 'em in any unnatural way?
GK: No, ma'am.
SS: And the feed? It was organic?
GK: I didn't taste it myself but it appeared to be, yes.
SS: Very well. I'll get you your check - you care to sit down and have some supper?
GK: Wouldn't mind. Nice place. Kinda surprised to find it in a mining town.
(FOOTSTEPS CLOMPING, AS DUSTY ENTERS)
TR: I got the chickens all settled in. Sort of. I promised 'em you'd come out and read 'em Goodnight Moon in a few minutes.
GK: Okay, okay. You want to sit by the window or the waterfall?
TR: Waterfall.
SS: This way. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: She's gonna get us our check soon as we have some supper, Dusty. Then we can find us a place to bed down for the night.
(FOOTSTEPS STOP)
SS: This table okay?
TR: Would you mind taking these candles away?
SS: The candles?
GK: Candles make his nervous. It makes him feel someone is just about to sing.
GK: Thank you. (SCRAPE OF CHAIRS, THEY SIT DOWN.)
SS: And here are your menus.
GK: Thank you.
SS: The wine list is on the back.
GK: Thanks.
SS: We have two specials not on the menu. We have a blackened whitefish with julienned shiitake mushrooms and artichoke hearts on a bed of basmati rice and we have grilled scallops served on penne pasta in a dill sauce. - Any questions?
TR: You got wieners?
SS: What kind of wieners?
TR: Any kind.
SS: I'll see.
TR: If you don't have any, maybe I'll have a quickie. (FACE SLAP)
GK: Quiche.
TR: Quiche. Sorry.
SS: If we do have a wiener, how would you like that done?
TR: Boiled.
SS: Do you want that on foccacio bread or sourdough?
TR: Just a plain bun.
SS: White or whole wheat?
TR: White.
SS: You want lime mayonnaise, or dijon poupon? And for sides, we have mango spiced chutney, or arugula and walnut slaw, or deep fried squid -
TR: Squid! I'd rather suck on an auto part.
SS: How about you, sir? You see anything that interests you?
GK: I sure do, ma'am. I'm lookin' at her.
SS: I make it a point never to date men with chicken poop on their boots. Sorry.
GK: If you don't mind my asking, what's a beauty like you doing in Butte, Montana?
SS: Actually, I'm an actress.
GK: You know, I thought you were. I could tell by your facial expressions.
SS: I'm here to do a musical. Stephen Sondheim. "Riding to the Bronx."
GK: I didn't know Sondheim wrote westerns.
SS: Not those broncs. The one in New York.
GK: Oh. What's going on in Butte, lady? Indoor waterfalls. Lime mayonnaise. Stephen Sondheim. This used to be a rough town.
SS: Well, when the price of copper hit bottom, they woke up and smelled the latte. And now they've been trying to figure out how to make Butte attractive to Californians.
TR: A mining town? with a huge abandoned pit in the middle of it?
GK: A mile-wide copper pit half-full of polluted acidic water -
SS: They think they can convince Californians that that pit is the world's largest natural source of honey mustard vinaigrette dressing.
GK: Well, I'll be jiggered. What time you get off work, Miss? I promise to clean my boots -
SS: Ten o'clock. I can't stay long. I have rehearsal. (MUSICAL BRIDGE)
(CHICKENS, QUIET MURMUR, NIGHT AMBIENCE)
GK:
Goodnight jury, goodnight judge,(CHICKEN CLUCK)
Goodnight pit full of copper sludge.
Goodnight Slim and goodnight Buck,
Goodnight dogs in the pickup truck.
Goodnight dynamite, goodnight gun,
Goodnight moon and goodnight sun.
GK: No, I'm not going to read it again.
SS (OFF): Psssst. Over here.
GK: Okay, sweet dreams, chickens. (CHICKEN SNORING) Good night. (TIPTOES ON GRAVEL) They're all tuckered out from the long drive.
SS: You want to go for a walk?
GK: Naw. I'd just like to sit here in the moonlight with you, Cheryl.
SS: You want a glass of wine?
GK: I believe I got a flask of whiskey in my saddle bag there -
SS: Let me take a look. (RUMMAGE) I don't see a bottle, but you've got a book here -
GK: Let me have that -
SS: What is this? "The Caring Cowboy: Redefining Toughness in Seeking Stronger Relationships" - is this your book, Lefty?
GK: It is, Cheryl. Don't tell anybody.
SS: And it's got a lot of underlined passages - "Allow yourself to embrace the little buckaroo within you and tap into your unlimited potential for whimsy and wistfulness."
GK: You wouldn't mind if this old buckaroo sang you a song, would you? (STRUM, BAD NOTE) Sorry. It's been a long trail ride. (TUNING)
SS: Is this a song of your own?
GK: I wrote it just tonight. (STRUMS)
All day I faced the barren waste a-hoping for a furlough(HE YODELS)
And a glass of Merlot.
Me and my hoss rode across the desert most unhappily
Looking for a Chablis.
Then when the sky turned blue
I saw you (YODEL)
My sweet Montana chardonnay
What an excellent bouquet
With a long smooth finish that time can't diminish
With a hint of leather and new-mown hay,
No Rhones and no Pouilly Fume
I'm quite contented today
It tastes of tires and cottonwood root
And pickups and plywood and the waters of Butte
Just my sweet Montana Chardonnay.
SS: That is so beautiful.
GK: There's a little buckaroo within me that wants to kiss you right now, Miss Cheryl.
TR (PUNK, OFF): Hey, Angel Lips. You out there? Cheryl?
(PAUSE)
GK: Who's that?
SS (WHISPER): It's my director. Rocco.
TR (PUNK, OFF): We got rehearsal in fifteen minutes, Angel Lips. You out there?
SS: I better go. We open in two nights -
GK: But it's all part of a scam -
SS: But it's still a job.
GK: Come with me -
SS: Come with you where?
GK: Anywhere you want to go -
TR (PUNK, APPROACHING, FOOTSTEPS): Hey, who's out here whispering in the bushes? (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Who's this, Angel?
SS: It's okay, Rocco.
TR (PUNK): You're not from around here, are you, mister?
GK: That's right.
TR (PUNK): Then I think it might behoove you to watch your step. Eh?
GK: You think it would behoove me, huh?
TR (PUNK): If I were you, I would be behooved, yes.
GK: Hey, isn't that Robert Redford over there?
TR (PUNK): Don't try to pull that old Robert Redford trick with me. (TR SWINGS, KONK, GK REACT. TR SWING, POW, GK REACT)
TR (PUNK): I catch you around here again, cowboy, and you're going to be ridin' mighty low in the saddle, if you catch my drift.
GK: Consider it caught.
TR (PUNK): Come on, Angel. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
(GK GROAN. SITS UP. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR (DUSTY): Hey. Let's go, pardner. Let's find a hotel.
GK: Yeah, I was just sitting here waiting for you.
TR (DUSTY): You okay?
GK: I'm fine.
TR (DUSTY): How come you're bent over like that?
GK: I'm looking for agates.
TR (DUSTY): Oh. Well, let's find us a place for the night.
GK: They got a nice bed & breakfast next door.
TR (DUSTY): Not interested in any place where they fold the end of the toilet paper in a little V and put chocolate truffles on your pillow.
GK: Well, I'll take your truffle then.
TR (DUSTY): Don't want a B&B, I want a W&W. Whiskey and women. - This your book on the ground.
GK: Nope.
TR (DUSTY): You sure?
GK: Yep.
TR (DUSTY): Looks like your book.
GK: It's not.
(THEME)
SS: Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Butte' Facial Scrub.
(THEME OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor