(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, Maria Jette)
GK: I'm older than you people so you have to listen to me when I say that there are few problems that cannot be helped by singing Oklahoma. I don't say they can be solved but you can improve almost any situation by standing and sticking out your arms and throwing your head back and singing
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahomaThat's a song that always cheers me up. And I have a lot to cheer up from. You wouldn't know about that because you never knew poverty, you're parents lavished their vast wealth upon you-
Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains
And the waving wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rains.
TR (RICH DAD): We've established a trust fund for you, dear - I don't want you to ever have to work - I want you to be free!
GK: That was your dad. My dad was a different kind of guy.
TR: Nobody gave me nuthin', so I ain't gonna give you nuthin.
GK: But when I feel resentful, I just spread out my arms and I sing-
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma
Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains
MJ: You know what can really cheer you up?
GK: Who's that?
MJ: Over here.
GK: Oh. My gosh.
MJ: I'm Venus.
GK: The goddess.
MJ: Right.
GK: The goddess of love.
MJ: You've heard of me.
GK: Do you always go around naked like this?
MJ: It saves time.
GK: Well -
MJ: It's tiring taking 'em off and putting 'em back on a dozen times a day. All those zippers and buttons - the clasps -
GK: I mean, you have a beautiful body but -
MJ: Too bad it's radio.
GK: This is a family show, you know. Would you mind putting a robe around you, at least? Here -
MJ: Is that better?
GK: Thank you.
MJ: I know something that can cheer you up like you wouldn't believe -
GK:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahomaIt always makes me feel better, even though I grew up on those plains and I know how hard it was, which you don't, you grew up in the lap of luxury and your every whim was catered to by your liberal parents -
Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains
SS (MOM, EARNEST, UPBEAT): Chipper? Daddy and I are soooo happy that you didn't flunk math that we're sending you to France this summer? Won't that be fun?
TR (SULLEN YOUTH): What part? I hope not Provence. I hate that.
SS (MOM): We're sending you to Paris!
TR (SULLEN): Which hotel? I hope it isn't the Ritz! The service is ghastly!
GK: That was your upbringing. Mine was in the wheat fields of Oklahoma. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING)
TR (DAD): Hey! Let's go!
GK: What's wrong, Dad?
TR (DAD): We gotta get that wheat in.
GK: I'm just enjoying the sight of the wind sweepin down the plain.
TR: That wind is bringing the rain!
GK: Dad, smell that wheat. It sure smells sweet -
TR (DAD): (SNIFFS) The wheat smells sweet because it's rotting, that's why. Wheat rot. Six hunderd acres of wheat gone to rot cause of the wind sweeping down and blowing the rain into it.
SS (MOM): What are we goin t' do, Fred? You know we belong to the land.
TR (DAD): And the land we belong to belongs to the bank.
SS (MOM): Does that mean we gotta go back up north and get back into show business?
TR (DAD): Looks like it, I'd reckon. Dadblame it.
SS (MOM): Okay. Pack the truck, kiddoes! Git! (CHICKEN FLURRY) Pack up them chickens! C'mere! (CHICKEN SQUAWK) (MUSIC)
GK: My family had a carnival tent show, Wyler's Dancing Chickens, and when the farm failed, we'd pack up our tent and the big banners and head north. We used two dozen white Leghorns (CHICKEN GRUMBLING) and we dressed them up in chaps and little tiny holsters with pistols and cowboy hats and we stuck them on the stage, which actually was a hot plate, which kept the chickens' energy level up, and we charged 15 cents and we sold some Dancing Chicken T-shirts, caps and flyswatters! Dancing Chicken original soundtrack records and tapes and before every show Dad asked people to become members -
TR (DAD): Folks, I know you're waitin for our talented chickens to come out and dance for ya but first I'd like to remind you that it's the generous contributions of folks such as yourselves that enables us to bring these chickens to perform here for you. Our goal is to raise three dollars and seventy five cents in the next fifteen minutes, which, if we do not raise it, we will find it necessary to choke one of the chickens at the conclusion of the performance. (CHICKEN FLURRY)
GK: And he'd raise the money and then out came the chickens and did their dance routine, twenty-four chickens in a line, their wings interlocked over each other's shoulders. (ALL: CHICKEN CHORUS, W. CLAW DANCING, CLUCKING TO THE LINES: We know we belong to the land....through the first whoop) (PIANO CHORD ON WHOOP, AND UNDER)
GK: Those poor old chickens were forced to do Oklahoma three shows per hour, twelve hours a day, seven days a week, so our family could save up money to pay off the mortgage on the wheat farm and continue the whole hopeless cycle, over and over and over...(DARK CHORDS) maybe I was wrong about that song cheering people up. It's depressing, actually.
MJ: I know something that can cheer you up in a big hurry.
GK: Your bathrobe fell off, Venus.
MJ: Oh. I didn't notice. You're worried because it's a Lutheran audience, and you don't think they can handle nudity.
GK: Well, some of them are Lutheran.
MJ: I thought so. I could feel the chill.
GK: They're good people, Lutherans. They're people of great kindness.
MJ: They could be a little kinder to themselves.
GK: What do you mean?
MJ: Let me show you what I mean -
GK: Not here, not now.
MJ: That's the Lutheran motto, isn't it. Not now. Some of these people have had headaches for twenty, thirty years.
GK: Anyway, my family would save up our money from the dancing chicken show and pay off the mortgage and go back to the wheatfields of Oklahoma for another try.
TR (DAD): Hey! Let's go! Time to get that wheat in before the rain comes!
GK: But it's night, Dad, and my honey lamb and I were going to sit down and talk and watch the hawk making lazy circles in the sky.
TR (DAD): Hawk! Where is he?
GK: See the circles?
TR (DAD): Ya big dummy! That hawk is circling over our chickens. (HAWK CRY) (GUNSHOT) There. Got him. Who's the girl on the porch?
GK: That's my honey lamb, Dad.
TR (DAD): What's she doing sittin there in a bathrobe? Is she sick or what's the problem?
SS (MOM): Yeah, who is she?
TR (DAD): She ain't from around here, is she?
GK: I don't think so.
SS (MOM): What were you two up to out there, huh? Look at me!
GK: We were only going to talk and watch the hawk make lazy circles in the sky.
TR (DAD): Kids nowadays! In my day, we worked! Didn't sit around talking.
SS (MOM): What do you say to her when you're out there? The girl in the bathrobe.
GK: I'd rather not say.
TR (DAD): Answer your mother. What do you say?
GK: Well. We say - WHOOP. Ay yip ay yo dee ay.
TR (DAD): What is that supposed to mean?
GK: It doesn't mean anything. It just means: WHOOP. Ay yip ay yo dee ay.
TR (DAD): Yer tellin me that "WHOOP Ay yip ay yo dee ay" doesn't mean what I think it means?
SS: Sounds dirty to me.
TR (DAD): Sounds like French to me. French dirty talk.
SS: I wish you wouldn't talk like that in front of the chickens.
GK: Listen. When we say "WHOOP ay yip ay yo dee ay" we're only saying, "You're doing fine, Oklahoma. Oklahoma, OK."
TR (DAD): That's all you're sayin? When you say: "Whoop ay yip ay yo dee ay"?
GK: We're only saying, "You're doing fine, Oklahoma."
SS: You're doing fine with glaucoma?
GK: Oklahoma. O-k-l-a-h-o-m-a. Oklahoma. Okay?
SS: Okay.
TR (DAD): Oh boy! (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) Look! Sweeping cross the plain! Rain! And the wind coming right behind it!
SS: Guess we lost another wheat crop.
TR (DAD): Guess so. Let's pack up and head north.
SS: C'mon kids! (CHICKEN FLURRY) Gotcha! (CHICKEN SQUAWK) (MUSIC)
GK: I don't know how many times we had to go and do that dumb show. You people can't appreciate how hard it was because you grew up privileged, your parents liked Stephen Sondheim -
SS (RICH MOM): Are you ready darling? The car comes in fifteen minutes. We're going to see Sweeny Todd.
GK: We had no car service. Just a pick up truck. Like the Joads. Had to pack up the Leghorns. Get out the little chaps, the pistols, the hats - the hot plate - go up north to our carnival show. (ALL: SAME CHICKEN CHORUS: We know we belong to the land ... through the WHOOP) (MUSIC)
MJ: And then you went back to the plains, huh?
GK: Yeah.
MJ: You Lutherans sure are slow learners.
GK: We're stubborn. We stick to it.
MJ: Slow learners.
GK: We don't believe in taking the easy way out...
MJ: Sometimes the easy way is the best way.
GK: We're people of strong character.
MJ: Character!
GK: Yes.
MJ: What you call character is just a low-grade form of depression.
GK: By the way, your robe fell off again.
MJ: I don't care. Did you know that this planet was supposed to be named Venus? Not the little one?
GK: This one?
MJ: Instead they named this one for dirt. Earth. What kind of name is that? And Venus is the one where you'd burn up if you went there. Doesn't that tell you something about people??
GK: I didn't know that.
MJ: I take it you don't want to fall in love?
GK: Not with you. No. Nothing personal. I already have a life. Don't need another one.
MJ: Okay. If that's what you want. I'll come back next spring, though.
GK: Of course. It'll be nice to see you.
MJ: How are you parents?
GK: They're fine.
MJ: Where do they live?
GK: Oklahoma.
MJ: Really?
GK: Yeah. Live on the edge of a wheat field. But it's more fun because now it's somebody else's wheat. (MUSIC)
TR (DAD): They say it's gonna get windy.
SS (MOM): Yeah. You can see it - look at that wheat wave.
TR (DAD): Smells sweet, don't it.
SS: Sure does. Is it raining?
TR: Feels like it.
SS: You want to go in? The wind is blowing the rain-right through the screen.
TR: I like it, honey lamb.
SS: Honey lamb!
TR: That's you. You want to talk?
SS: Talk about what?
TR: Anything you want.
SS: Is that a hawk up there?
TR: Where?
SS: In the sky.
TR: I don't see it.
SS: You see the circles?
TR: Is that a hawk? Making the lazy circles?
SS: Yep.
TR: Well, I'll be darned. (WHOLE CHORUS OF OKLAHOMA)
We know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is grand
And when we say. WHOOP.
Ay yip ay yo dee ay.
We're only saying
You're doin' fine, Oklahoma
Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A
Oklahoma. O.K.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor