(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME & SONG)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a day in May, one of those fabulous days when the sun comes out after days of rain and the world is like a Sierra Club postcard. I turned on the radio to get the weather forecast (RADIO AUDIO) -
TR (ON RADIO): ... looking for an adventurous lifestyle, the exciting field of private investigation is for you! Prowl the city at night searching for leads, go undercover, do surveillance - (CLICK)
GK: Oh for pity's sake. (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, IN ROOM) Undercover. Give me a break. Those days are over, pal. (RING) (FOOTSTEPS STOP) - (PICK UP) - Yeah? Guy Noir here.
TK (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Hugh. Brother Hugh.
GK: Yes?
TK (ON PHONE): I'm a Franciscan monk, Mr. Noir, and I was sent here by my order of Franciscans to stop a terrible scam.
GK: I see. Uh huh.
TK (ON PHONE): There are men, posing as Franciscan friars, in friars' robes, going door to door in St. Paul and selling flowers.
GK: And you were sent here to stop them, Brother Hugh?
TK (ON PHONE): That's what my abbot told me. He said, "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."
GK: Who is this? (CLICKS PHONE) Go away! Get out of here. I hate puns. (PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) Yeah?
SS (GIRL, ON PHONE): Hey mister, is your refrigerator running?
GK: Leave me alone. (HANGS UP) Something about spring, people get light-headed, they go around telling dumb jokes. (PHONE RING) (PICK UP) Yeah? who's this?
TR (ON PHONE): This is Mr. Stein. Roy Stein, Mr. Noir.
GK: Is this a joke?
TR (ON PHONE): I'm your downstairs neighbor. I'm the lawyer.
GK: Stein, huh. Is this about you looking for a place to hide? A niche in time saves Stein?
TR (ON PHONE): No, I need a personal investigator.
GK: Roy Stein, you say?
TR (ON PHONE): Right -
GK: Is this about a cat?
TR (ON PHONE): No, it's -
GK: Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes. Right?
TR (ON PHONE): I don't know what you're talking about.
GK: What's the joke then?
TR (ON PHONE): Would you have time to serve some papers in a lawsuit, Mr. Noir?
GK: Is this about a probate case?
TR (ON PHONE): Yes, it is.
GK: So the line is: he who has estates is lost. Right? Did I get it? Or somebody's hoping to inherit some art. Someday my prints will come. Is that it?
TR (ON PHONE): Let me call back later when you settle down, Mr. Noir. (CLICK) (MUSIC)
GK: I despise puns. They're not funny. They're like somebody spilling on you for a joke. They're like a jab in the ribs. (PHONE RING) (PICK UP) Yeah?
TK (ON PHONE): It's Brother Hugh again.
GK: Right. The florist friar. Cute, mister.
TK (0N PHONE): We're selling palms. They're beautiful and these palms cure constipation.
GK: I don't want any.
TK (ON PHONE): With fronds like these, who needs enemas? (HANG UP)
GK: I saw it coming and I couldn't move. Immobilized by the headlights. (MUSIC) I went across the street to the Five Spot. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Oh, hi, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Not so great, Jimmy. People wasting my time with crank phone calls. Gotta get my phone number changed. How's with you?
TR (JIMMY): Oh, can't complain.
GK: I need a drink.
TR (JIMMY): Care to try my special Star Wars Martini?
GK: This isn't a pun, is it?
TR (JIMMY): It's like a regular martini, only I make you wait in line for six hours before I give it to you.
GK: Nah. Thanks. I'll have a regular martini. And toss in a carrot stick.
TR (JIMMY): One beta-carotene Martini, coming right up. (MIXING MARTINI)
GK: Jimmy? I see you put newspapers down by your front door -
TR (JIMMY): Right. It's been so rainy. (SHAKER)
GK: This isn't what you call the Times that dries men's soles, is it?
TR (JIMMY): It isn't the Times, it's the Pioneer Press.
GK: Never mind. Don't bring that Martini over here and say something about giving me a fair shake, okay?
TR (JIMMY): (POURING) Okay. There's your martini. Skoal!
GK: I hope so. You put ice in it.
TR (JIMMY): Vaclav Havel likes martinis, you know. He dropped in here when he was in town.
GK: Really? Havel?
TR (JIMMY): Had one of my martinis and he started dancing.
GK: This is the one about the bouncing Czech, right?
TR (JIMMY): No, it's the truth.
GK: You were going to come at me with the bouncing Czech, right?
TR (JIMMY): No. Honest.
GK: Or he wanted to smoke and asked for an ashtray and you said, "This isn't a check ashing establishment."
TR (JIMMY): The thought never crossed my mind.
GK: Havel didn't come in here, did he.
TR (JIMMY): Came in two weeks ago. And John Major came in too.
GK: That's the one about the guy who sics his attack chicken on John Major cause he wanted to see a chicken catch a Tory.
TR (JIMMY): Nope. He just likes martinis too.
GK: Well, don't pull one. Okay? Just don't.
TR (JIMMY): What you got against jokes?
GK: People come up, you can tell by the look in their face that they're about to lay one on you, and it's always one you've heard fifty times before. I don't know if I'm getting old or I'm hanging out with a slow crowd or what.
TR (JIMMY): Well, just remember that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 muscles to flip 'em the bird. (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Five Spot. Who? Yeah, he's right here. - For you.
TK (ON PHONE): Yeah. Brother Hugh again.
GK: What do you want?
TK (ON PHONE): We're moving our florist business to St. Louis.
GK: Good riddance...
TK (ON PHONE): The business climate is better there.
GK: Good.
TK (ON PHONE): Missouri loves companies.
GK: Leave me alone. (HANG UP) I tell you, Jimmy, there are no new jokes. I've heard 'em all. The genetic engineer who tried to make an obscene clone fall. The Buddhist who went to have his teeth filled and tried to transcend dental medication. The law in Spain requiring six doors on all theaters so you don't try to put all your Basques in one exit. The guys who commute together to Manhattan through the Lincoln Tunnel and get car pool tunnel syndrome. The new restaurant that sells tandoori pastrami, the New Delhicatessen. Where they make leek soup: first you get a pot and then you take a leek -
TR (JIMMY): Well, you know a good cook never cooks carrots and pees in the same pot.
GK: Right, right, right -
TR (JIMMY): You know why melons don't get married?
GK: They cantaloupe.
TR (JIMMY): Very good. Did I tell you about my cousin in Wyoming?
GK: No.
TR (JIMMY): She was only a rancher's daughter but all the cow manure.
GK: Speaking of that, I met a gorgeous woman at a party last night.
TR (JIMMY): Is this a joke?
GK: I don't know yet. She came up to me and she said, "Did you hear the one about the harpist who was looking for a place where he could go dancing and have some seafood?" Old joke. And of course he leaves his harp in Sam's Clam Disco. I've heard that joke fifty times. And yet - the way she told it, it was funny. You know?
TR (JIMMY): Ain't it the truth. Hey, look at the lady coming in -(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE. CLOSE. SLOW FOOTSTEPS) (SEXY SAX) Wow. Nice hair.
GK: I don't remember the mane but the pace is familiar. (FOOTSTEPS, THEN STOP)
SS: Hi. (MUSIC)
GK: It was her, the woman who told the harp joke. She wore a black silk dress with a slit up the side that gave a man vertigo. Her skin shone in a way that made you think if you touched her you might electrocute yourself, but it'd be worth it. When she smiled at me, I could feel my heart pound like it was trying to get out.
SS: I was at a bar up the street but they had a singer. I hate singers.
GK: One thing I never do is sing.
SS: He was so bad nobody wanted to sing with him. He had to get a duet-yourself kit.
GK: Interesting.
SS: I felt this terrible anxiety right before he sang. Pre-minstrel tension.
GK: Right.
SS: And I felt bad afterward too.
GK: Really.
SS: The song was ended but the malady lingers on.
GK: I see.
SS: Sometimes I feel like suddenly throwing a chicken at him. Give him the pullet surprise.
GK: I see. You know, you have a way with a joke, especially when you tell it and reach out and touch my arm.
SS: You like that.
GK: I do. By the way, you have a tiny piece of rumaki stuck between your teeth.
SS: It's not rumaki. It's string.
GK: It's beautiful, whatever it is.
SS: Your gain is my floss.
GK: Can I get you a drink?
SS: Sure. How about an absinthe?
GK: Really?
SS: Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
GK: Jimmy, an absinthe.
TR (JIMMY): Coming up.
GK: Care for a cigarette, ma'am?
SS: Thanks. (MATCH) (SHE INHALES. THEN EXHALES)
GK: If I remember right, you teach at the University, right? You're a professor of law -
SS: Yes.
GK: Well, it goes to show, a pretty girl is like an LLD. What sort of law you teach? Probate?
SS: I teach the law of edicts.
GK: Interesting.
SS: Most of which are outmoded.
GK: Really?
SS: Yes. And we can't have archaic and edict too.
GK: No. (THEME)
GK: I'm not a lawyer, ma'am. I'm just a guy in a rumpled blue suit who makes a living on the shady side of the street trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.
SS: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: That's me, Baby. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor