(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those crazy April nights, the air filled with the intoxicating scent of flowers and trees and spicy garlic sauce from the Chinese restaurant up the street, people in love walking home hand in hand with little white cartons of General Tsao's Thousand Joys shrimp and tofu. I was sitting at my desk, wondering why they were writing songs of love, but not for me, when -(PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) Yeah? Guy Noir, Private Eye.
TK (ON PHONE): Is this Guy Noir?
GK: Yes. Right.
TK (ON PHONE): Guy Noir. Right?
GK: Yeah. What can I do for you?
TK (ON PHONE): I'm trying to think of the punchline to a joke. It's a joke that my brother-in-law told me and - we were over there for Easter and I tell ya, I laughed so hard I felt like I'd had a facelift!!! Heck of a joke. Usually they come here for Easter but this year we went there.
GK: Is this the joke about the three blondes going to heaven?
TK (ON PHONE): No, I don't think so. It's been driving me nuts.
GK: Look -(CALL WAITING CLICK) Hold on a second. Somebody's on my other line.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Hiya, Guy. It's me.
GK: Hi, Governor. What's can I do for you?
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): I need a joke, Guy. Something about Irishmen. I'm giving a speech to a Sons of Erin banquet. You got a good zinger I could tell?
GK: Well, there's "What's Irish and sits outside? Patio Furniture."
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Yeah, that's cute.
GK: And there's always "How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? - Fifteen: one to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins."
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Yeah. I like that one. Ya know I get so mad when people accuse me of having no sense of humor. It just makes me go ballistic. How do I get it through people's thick skulls that I do too have a sense of humor? What do I have to do, huh?
GK: Don't worry about it, Governor.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): What do I have to do? Put on a clown suit?
GK: We like you just the way you are, Governor. Believe me.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Anyway, find me some Irish jokes. (HANGS UP)
GK: (MUSIC) I was sick of humor. I headed on over to the Five spot for a little melancholy and depression. And I got there (DOOR. JINGLE. FOOTSTEPS) and there was a sign out front said, "Auditions. For Comedy Night." What's this about, Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): Hi, Guy. Oh, it's one of our promotions. Trying to pull in customers. The younger crowd.
GK: Right. Like your Beers From New Jersey Night. And the Flaming Velveeta Fiesta.
TR (JIMMY): So, what can I get you. How about I fix you one of my IRS Specials?
GK: What's that?
TR (JIMMY): Well, I pour you a nice big martini, and then I withhold 30% of it.
GK: Thanks, but I'll have my usual.
TR (JIMMY): One double bourbon neat with a paper umbrella, coming right up.
GK: (NARRATING): Just then, two bald guys in shiny suits came through the front door, one of them carrying a violin case.
TR (COMIC): Good evening, ladies and germs! I just flew in from the coast. And boy, are my arms tired!
GK: They had these big grins that looked about as spontaneous as a garage door opener. "Kenny and Benny Youngman." They jumped up onto a makeshift stage near the mens room (TOILET FLUSH), and Benny took out his violin. It looked like somebody had jumped up and down on it. Unfortunately, they hadn't put it completely out of commission. (VIOLIN)
GK: Oh for mercy's sake.
TR (JIMMY): Trust me, they're good, Guy.
TR (COMIC): Say, folks. A funny thing happened on my way to the Five Spot. A mugger stopped me and said "stick em down." I said, "don't you mean stick em up?" And he says, "No wonder I'm not making any money!" (VIOLIN RIFF)
TR (JIMMY): They're a classic, aren't they, Guy? Don't you love em?
GK: I've loved these jokes ever since I first heard them in 1943.
TR (COMIC): My buddy put an ad in the personals. It said "Wife wanted." The next day he got a hundred letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
Lucky me, though. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." She's a beautiful woman. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
(VIOLIN RIFF)
AS: I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. - Actually, my wife and I were happy for twenty years. And then we met. I take my wife everywhere ... but she always finds her way home. (VIOLIN RIFF)
TR (JIMMY): Don't they just kill you?
GK: They almost kill me, Jimmy. That's the problem.
TR (COMIC): I went to the doctor. Doctor says " You're going to live until you're sixty." I said, "But Doctor, I am sixty!" The doctor says "What did I tell you?"
AS: The doctor said I needed an operation. I said, "Okay, but will I be able to play the violin after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' That's great, I said. I never could play it before.'" See? (VIOLIN)
GK (NARRATING): Kenny and Benny went on that way until it started to seem like an out of body experience. I fortified myself with a couple of Jimmy's IRS specials as a stream of comic hopefuls took to the stage. (TOILET FLUSH)
There was a guy who did his impression of a chicken singing the star spangled banner (TK DOES CHICKEN SONG)
And the lady who put Vaseline in her armpits and arm farted the song, "People" (FART NOISES TO 'PEOPLE')
And a Russia comedian. (TR RUSSIAN GIBBERISH JOKES) And a Swedish comic. (TR SWEDISH) Probably very funny if you'd spent the winter in Uppsala.
GK: I think it's about time I called it a night, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Wait, Guy. There's one more.
GK: Nah, I gotta get home.
GK (NARRATING): And then I saw her. (SEXY SAX) A blonde so gorgeous she made the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. She stepped up on the stage and blew into the mike. (MIKE BLOWING NOISES) I would've given anything to be that microphone.
SS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen - I'd like to start with the rabbi and this priest and this minister and they all walk into a bar -
GK: Hahahahaha. I love it. (CROWD SHHHHH)
SS: Anyhow, they walk into a bar, and there's this young punker with green spiked hair and earrings. And there's also a parrot. He's sitting on the bar. And after the priest and the minister and the rabbi ---- or rather, the rabbi, the priest and the minister after them, these three mice walk in. And one of them has dark glasses. Okay? And did I mention the cowboy? I didn't? There's this cowboy sitting at the end of the bar and suddenly he pulls his gun out of the holster and shoots it. And the first mouse says to him, "You know, I may look like a mouse to you, but when I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
"Oh yeah?" says the cowboy.
"Yeah," says the mouse.
HECKLER: BOOOOO
GK: Hey, mister. Give the lady a chance, willya?
HECKLER: Get down!
GK: Shut up, ya idiot!
SS: So the mice order a shot of whiskey, and then a Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker walk in and the New Yorker has a hamster who plays the piano.
GK: I love this. She is great.
SS: And there's also this mangy looking guy and he yells at the New Yorker, "Let's hear the hamster play Malaguena." And the hamster plays "Malaguena" and then this frog jumps out. Okay? You get that? This frog jumps out.
TR (JIMMY): Gee, Guy. She's bombing.
GK: Don't just sit there, everybody. What are you, anyway - an audience, or an oil painting?
SS: Thank you, sir. And the frog tells a joke about a guy stranded on a desert island. He's there for, like, months, and I don't know if any of you have asked yourselves what would it really be like to be on a desert island, like really a desert, you know, and you'd go along week after week not knowing, like, is anybody going to come or what? I mean, how long can you live on a desert island without dehydrating completely? Anyhow, he tells the story about the guy on the island, and the guy was so lonely that he opened up a bar hoping that someone would come in. And then one day this grasshopper came in.
GK: I love this grasshopper joke. I love it.
SS: And the guy (who is also the bartender), he says, Hey, we got a drink named after you, and the grasshopper says, Why would anyone name a drink Steve.
GK: I love it. I love it! (APPLAUSE, WHISTLING) Beautiful! Brava! Brava!
TR (JIMMY): You think she's good?
GK: Very Seinfeld-ian, Jimmy. She could go a long way.
TR (JIMMY): I don't know, Guy. I was sorta leaning towards the underarm farts.
SS: Excuse me, sir.
GK (NARRATING): I looked up, and there she was, the woman of my dreams, standing at my side.
SS: I just wanted to thank you for coming to my show.
GK: You're welcome. I loved it.
SS: I'm glad.
GK: I mean it. You're beautiful. You just need someone to help you develop your latent talents, Miss - a sort of writer-director-manager ... I'd be happy to work with you day or night, day and night. Night and day. Your place or mine. Come rain or come shine. Comme ci or comme ca.
SS: That's so sweet of you. I can't wait to tell Rocco the good news.
GK (NARRATING): Just then a burly guy with biceps the size of coffee urns sidled up to us.
TR (ROCCO): Hey, babe. Let's go. I videotaped the whole thing. You were fantastic. Hey, who's this guy?
GK: I love that grasshopper joke. Beautiful. I've heard it a hundred times and everytime I hear it, I absolutely collapse.
TR (ROCCO): You heard what grasshopper joke a hundred times? Not the one she told tonight, cause that's a joke I wrote for her yesterday? What? You saying I stole it from somewhere? Huh? Listen, punk. You try to push me around, I'll hit you so hard the tears'll run down the back of your neck. You get me? Beat it. Come on, beautiful.
GK: And they walked away.
TR (JIMMY): You care for another, Guy? Last call.
GK: No, thanks. Beautiful person like her hooked up with a creep like him. I'm gonna just head home and cry.
TR (JIMMY): You know what they say, there's a hundred broken hearts for every joke ever told.
GK: Ain't that the truth -(THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor