(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCom, makers of ZanTech. Tonight we ask our famous celebrities the age old question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Let's start with you, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): I want to state here and now, unequivocally, I had nothing whatsoever to do with that chicken! And any further comment will have to come from my attorney.
GK: Thank you, sir. Radio psychologist Dr. Laura Schlesinger. The chicken who crossed the road: why?
SS (DR. LAURA): This is a chicken who deserves to have her head cut off. A chicken too darn selfish and all tied up with her own needs to stop and think that maybe, just maybe, it should be staying in the chicken coop and taking care of her kids. One more self-centered chickens out for kicks. And you're an idiot if you can't see it. Who's screening my calls?
GK: Some Xanax for the doctor, please. What do you think, Monica Lewinsky.
SS (MONICA): Is this conversation like, being recorded? I make a point of, like, asking up front.
GK: No, no. Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
SS (MONICA): I don't know. Like, maybe she was having a bad feather day?
GK: Thank you, Monica. How about you, Julia Child?
TR (JULIA): Bonjour, mes amis!
GK: Ms. Child, why did the chicken cross the road?
TR (JULIA): Because I invited him to come for dinner. The poor dear didn't realize that when I said I'd like to have him for dinner, I meant it literally. But c'est la vie! He was absolutely delicious stuffed with porcini mushrooms and smothered in a raisin chardonnay sauce, surrounded by haricots verts and lots and lots of pommes frites! What a meal it was. And after dinner we all threw off our clothes and hopped into the jacuzzi and slugged down Brandy Alexanders till dawn.
GK: Sounds like a fun night.
TR (JULIA): Until the cops came, it was. Wasn't it, Mister Roger Bodger.
GK: Mr. Rogers, why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
TR (MR. ROGERS): I had a chicken once. Mother bought it for me for Easter. I loved that chicken, yes I did. I talked to it. I'd come home from school, or from church, and I went up to my room and told her everything. Yes. Do you have a friend like that? Do you? She was my best friend for a whole week until I finally realized that she was dead. Mother bought her for me at the butcher shop, yes she did. I always wondered why she didn't have any feathers. That was mother's idea of a joke. I've been talking with Mr. Psychotherapist about it. And now I know it was only a joke. Yes, I do.
GK: Thank you, Mr. Rogers. (THEME) That's all the time we have for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by BarCo, makers of ChemSat.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor