(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: So a pig walks into a bar and orders 15 beers and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?"
TR: No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.
SS: A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and he says,
TK: A beer for me, and one for my giraffe.
SS: They stand around drinking for hours until finally the giraffe passes out on the floor and the guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
TR: Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin on the floor, are you?
TK: That's not a lion... it's a giraffe.
GK: So the Irishman walks into a bar and there's a brass lamp on the bar and he touches it and a genie appears and gives him three wishes.
TR: Ah, faith - I wish for a bottle of Guinness that will never run dry.
GK: And poof! there it is. The Irishman drinks it, holds it up, it fills again. Drinks it down and it refills. The genie says, "And what are your other two wishes?
TR: Aw, just give me two more like this one.
GK: So - A man walked into a bar, looking sad, and the bartender asked him, "What's the matter?"
TR: My wife and I had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. And the month is up today.
TK (DRUNK): I'd rather have this bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
TR: So Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not,"and suddenly he vanishes.
GK: A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
TK: Does your dog bite?
TR: No.
TK: Nice dog. (DOG GROWL, SNAP) I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!
TR: That's not my dog.
SS: So ---a man walks into a bar carrying an ape in his arms.
TR: I just bought this fella as a pet. We have no kids, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. Eat at our table, sleep in the bed with me and the wife.
SS: But what about the smell?
TR: Oh, he'll have to get used to it, the same way she did.
TR: So - a man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down by the piano and the pianist's monkey swings over and pees in the glass. Hey! Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer.
TK: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll play it.
GK: So a redneck with a bad limp walks into a bar and he sees Oral Roberts at the end of the bar and he says, "Hey bartender, one for me and one for Oral." Oral Roberts drinks his beer and gets up to leave and he walks over to the redneck and touches his leg and the redneck jumps up and yells,
TR: Don't heal me! I'm drawing disability!
SS: So a woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...........so the barman gave her one!
TK: Bartender?
SS: Yes, sir?
TK: This isn't the 18-year old single-malt Scotch I ordered. This is only a 16-year-old Scotch!
SS: I'm sorry, sir.
TK: Give me a 15-year-old bourbon.
SS: Yes, sir. Coming right up. Here you are, sir.
TK: (SIPS, SPITS) This isn't a 15 year-old bourbon! This is 12 year-old bourbon! How dare you! Give me a glass of 30-year-old Scotch.
TR (OLD MAN): Here. Have a glass of this.
TK: What's this?
TR (OLD MAN): It's for you. Taste it.
TK: (SIPS, SPITS) Why, this is - this is human urine!
TR: Right. Now tell me how old I am.
GK: A cowboy walks into a bar and he says, "Okay, which one of you sidewindin' hombres went outside an' painted mah horse bright red while I was in here a- drinkin'? I SAID, WHICH ONE OF YOU NO-GOOD POLECATS PAINTED MAH HORSE RED?"
(SLOW FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
TK: That was me. I done it. (HE SPITS)
GK: Okay. Just wanted to let you know the first coat's dry.
GK: So a woman walks into a bar leading a poodle.
TK: Hey. Where did you get that pig?
SS: I'll have you know that this is a French Poodle.
TK: I was talking to the dog, lady.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor