(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The kids have dropped out of their cult so we no longer run into them at the airport. My dandruff was cured by cutting down on fresh pepper in restaurants. And I finally got the neighbor's dog to stay out of our yard, which required me to take in a rather large volume of liquids in a few hours. Which pretty much cleared up my kidney stones.
We were feeling so good, we treated ourselves to a romantic getaway weekend at a luxury hotel with a Jacuzzi in the room and towels so thick we could hardly fit them into our suitcases. It was wonderful. Until the first morning during breakfast in bed, when Barb suddenly burst into tears.
(SS CRYING)
TR: Barb, honey. What's wrong?
(SS SNIFFLES)
SS: I just went in the bathroom and weighed myself on the scale.
TR: What's wrong with it?
SS: Nothing. That's the problem. It's accurate. I've been living a lie, Jim. Our scale at home - It stops at 98, even though I'm a size 14. Pass me a danish, will you?
TR: Barb, you're so slim and sexy, I almost can't look at you, otherwise I wouldn't be able to go to work at the office.
SS: Jim, you've got some basic cognitive skills issues you need to resolve. I'm a fatty cakes. Every time I go jogging, my thighs rub together so hard, my sweatpants practically catch on fire. And just look at me in this hotel mirror.
TR: Gee, it does seem to add a few pounds, doesn't it.
SS: Our mirror at home makes us look thin. That's why we bought the house, remember?
TR: Now that you mention it, I sort of look a little chunky, too. Maybe we need more ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that make a person feel like you're full of endorphins even if you're not.
SS: I think you're right, Jim. Here.
TR: Ketchup?
SS: A ketchup danish.
(KETCHUP SONG)
RD:
These are the good years, in the golden sun,
A new day is dawning, a new life has begun ...
The river flowing, like ketchup on a bun.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup ...
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor