(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC)
GK: It's April and you're head over heels in love ...
SS: Yes! Oh, yes! yes yes yes yes!
GK: The man of your dreams has come into your life ...
SS (A SOPRANO NOTE OF EXULTATION)
GK: And so you want your wedding to express the depths, the heights, of your love for Al -
SS: I want us to be married at the Cathedral and have trumpeters and a golden carriage and five hundred guests and the reception on a boat on the Mississippi with a sixteen-layer wedding cake and tiny salmon sandwiches and caviar and a 1988 Champagne! I want to wear a gossamer gown and carry a bouquet of edelweiss and have sixteen bridesmaids and the Boston Pops Orchestra. Okay, Dad?
TR: How about the Ramsey County Courthouse instead? And the Guy's All Star Shoe Band?
SS: Okay, but can I still have the salmon sandwiches?
TR: Of course, Princess.
GK: Expensive weddings only lead to family conflicts and create stress that often leads to projectile vomiting. Maybe it's time you considered the Ramsey County Courthouse right here in St. Paul. (MAJESTIC MUSIC) Towering high above the Mississippi River, (FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE, REVERB) its handsome marble lobby leads to a bank of elevators that whisk you to the Bureau of Licenses. (TR: Up, please. DOORS CLOSE) Note the handsome Art Deco doors. Upstairs, a polite and efficient municipal clerk will get you a wedding license in just minutes. (TK: That's seventy dollars, please.) And you and your true love will have a five-day waiting period - five wonderful days to spend in the Twin Cities area - swimming (BOING, SPLASH), golfing (SWING, KONK), attending theater (SS: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers!), concerts (TR TENOR), monster truck rallies (BIG ENGINE) - and then, back to the Court House, to the chambers of a friendly judge of your choice for a brief but meaningful ceremony -
SS: Yes. I do.
GK: And you're married.
TR: Congratulations.
GK: And no courthouse wedding would be complete without salmon sandwiches and the Guy's All Star Shoe Band playing for the reception. (MUSIC) The Guy's All Star Shoe Band offers music to please everyone in your family - YOUR GREAT GRANDPARENTS, GAMMA AND DODO ... YOUR GRANDPARENTS ... YOUR MOM AND DAD ... YOUR YOUNGER SISTER ...
One low price covers everything ... the ceremony, flowers, license, five days at a modern fireproof motel, salmon sandwiches, and the All Star Shoe Band... music for the kid sister ... Mom and Dad ... the grandparents ... and Gamma and Dodo.
GK: No conflicts, no stress, no bridal vomiting. Total cost? Less than you'd spend on one bridesmaid's dress. That's why - when sensible people think of romance, they think of the Ramsey County Courthouse.
SS: I love you, Alvin. So much.
TK: (ASIDE) Thanks, Ramsey County.
RD: (SINGS) Ramsey County Courthouse.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor