(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(MUSIC)
Our sound-effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, almost did not make it to the show today.
TK: That's right.
Like so many men in their late forties, Tom Keith engages in frenetic strenuous physical activity as a way of denying his age -
TK: That's right.
And on a typical Saturday morning, Tom gets up and runs (SNEAKERS, RUNNING, HEAVY BREATHING) ten miles out to the Flying T ranch and (WHINNY) saddles up his quarterhorse White Blaze and (GALLOPING HOOVES) rides out to the Minnesota State Zoo and (BOARD SPROING, AND SPLASH) dives into the tank and swims a hundred laps with the dolphins (DOLPHIN) Daryl and Delphine (DOLPHIN) and then he runs over to the primate area (ORANGUTAN) where he arm-wrestles with the orangutan (ORANGUTAN EFFORT) and then he rides (WHINNY, GALLOPING HOOVES) back to the Flying T and puts White Blaze back in the barn (WHINNY) and runs (RUNNING FEET) ten miles home and practices the bagpipe (BAGPIPE) for half an hour and (SAWING) works on his cabinetmaking and goes outside and bench presses (FEROCIOUS GRUNT) the rear end of his Ferrari and heads north (CAR ACCEL, THROUGH GEARS) at tremendous speed along the backroads (CORNERING) at speeds up to two hundred miles-per-hour through those small towns of Wisconsin (CAR PASSES AT TOP SPEED, CHICKEN FLURRY, COW MOOS) up to Mount Telemark where he clamps on his skis (CLAMPS) and goes off the high ski jump (SKIING AT HIGH SPEED), the very highest ski jump (SKIING OFF END, FLIGHT) - the one where sometimes the wind catches your windbreaker and you sail and then you get a thermal (ASCENSION) and you have to keep an eye out for herds of birds passing (BIRDS PASSING) and when you finally come down, you're in upper Michigan (LANDS AND SKIS) and a helicopter has (CHOPPER) to take you back to your car and (CAR ACCEL) you race back to town in time for your 4 o'clock recital of the Paganini Caprices (VIOLIN), just the fast passages, and then come over to the theater (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) about two minutes before showtime, cool as can be.
TK: Hi. How you doing? This my script? Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS)
And go out and do the show, cold. That's the kind of guy Tom Keith is. An action guy. A guy who doesn't sweat the small stuff. A guy who you'd look at and swear he wasn't a day over 47.
TK: Right.
But today was a little different. Tom got up and ran (SNEAKERS, RUNNING, HEAVY BREATHING) out to the Flying T and (WHINNY) saddled up his White Blaze and (GALLOPING HOOVES) rode to the Zoo and (BOARD SPROING, AND SPLASH) dove into the tank with the dolphins (DOLPHIN) and ran over to the primate area (ORANGUTAN) and arm-wrestled with the orangutan (ORANGUTAN EFFORT) and then rode (WHINNY, GALLOPING HOOVES) back to the Flying T and ran (RUNNING FEET) home, practiced the bagpipe (BAGPIPE), worked on the cabinets (SAWING), bench-pressed (FEROCIOUS GRUNT) the Ferrari, headed north (CAR ACCEL, THROUGH GEARS) at high speed (CORNERING) through the small towns (CAR PASSES AT TOP SPEED, CHICKEN FLURRY, COW MOOS) and put on his skis (CLAMPS) and went off the ski jump (SKIING AT HIGH SPEED), the high ski jump (SKIING OFF END, FLIGHT) - and he caught a thermal (ASCENSION) and he got in a flock of birds (BIRDS PASSING) so thick he had to clear a path (SHOTGUN BLASTS) and when he came down, he wasn't in upper Michigan, he was in northern Ontario (LANDS AND SKIS) and there was no helicopter there, there was only a train, a steam engine train (RELEASE OF STEAM) and they had to cut timber (CHAINSAW) to put in the firebox and (TRAIN CHUGGING, STARTING) it was a slow train and by the time it finally reached Duluth (TRAIN WHISTLE) it was three-thirty and Tom had to lease a jet (JET TAKE-OFF) to get to the Cities and (POLICE SIREN) get a police escort to his concert and he played the Paganini as fast as he could (FAST VIOLIN) and he finished at 4:55 and raced (FOOTSTEPS, PANTING) over to the theater and got here at 4:59:35 (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
TK (SLIGHTLY WINDED): Hi. How you doing? This my script? Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS)
And he looked at the script and it said -
TK: Chicken. No problem.
And he dashed out on stage (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and he forgot that he still had his violin in his hand and he didn't notice the sandbag lying there and (OOF TRIP, CRASH OF GLASS, CRUNCH OF VIOLIN, THUD)- but he did the sound effect. (ROOSTER)
Mr. Tom Keith -
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor