(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(MUSIC)
GK: It's a dangerous moment in a marriage when one person tries to teach the other how to do something the right way - like when I try to explain to my wife the six easy steps to parallel parking or when I get a little lesson in housekeeping -
SS: Honey?
GK: Yeah?
SS: I noticed that when you loaded the dishwasher last night, you put the cereal bowls in the top rack. Could I show you something? See? they need to go on the bottom. And you need to rinse them first.
GK: Darling -
SS (DEMONSTRATING): And they should face the front. You see how I'm doing this? And then the plates go behind them. And the soap goes in these little compartments in front. You see here? And then you fasten these little doors shut over them. You see how that goes? Are you watching? I'm only trying to show you how to do it right.
GK: Whenever this happens, a guy has a choice - either you stalk out of the house or you grab your wife and hold her in a powerful embrace, your lips inches apart, and you say, "Don't you know, it thrills me when you bend down over the dishwasher like that - "
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU
TR (ELVIS, REVERB): Hey. That wasn't bad, chief. I like that. Really got the feeling in that. That's what a man is supposed to do for a woman - is to give her the feeling. That hot burning love. Otherwise, man, they'll talk you to death.
GK: That's so true, Elvis. Women want to talk and that's fine but so often you wind up causing more pain -
TR (ELVIS): Man, that's the truth. You always say stuff you regret. Feel like a fool.
GK: What do you do when women want to talk, Elvis?
TR (ELVIS): Don't say nothing, man. Women like a guy to be silent. It gives them the feeling that you're listening to them.
GK: And then what do you do?
TR (ELVIS): Wait til they stop for breath and give em a hunk of love, chief. Turn the lights down low and let that old magic work its spell -
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU
SS: Why don't we ever talk?
GK: What do you want to talk about?
SS: Us.
GK: What about us?
SS: What do you mean, "what about us"?
GK: Well, if you want to talk about us, what specifically do you want to talk about? We can't just sit and yak. What's the problem?
SS: Why does the idea of communication make you so furious?
GK: It doesn't!
SS: It obviously does.
GK: (WEARY RESIGNATION) Okay. You want to talk, we'll talk. So go ahead. Say something.
SS: Well, you don't need to say it like that.
GK: Say it like what?
SS: With that air of resignation.
GK: What air of resignation?
SS: Never mind.
GK: You want to talk, let's talk.
SS: Never mind. I'm sorry I brought it up.
GK: I thought you wanted to talk.
SS: Oh, just shut up.
GK: You say you want to talk and then suddenly you don't want to talk. What's the problem? Why are you walking away? Where are you going? Come here -
SS: Let go of me. I'm not in the mood.
GK: I'm going to put you in the mood.
TR (ELVIS): Put her in the mood, chief.
SS: What are you doing?
TR (ELVIS): Tell her how you feel, man.
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU
GK: That is the guy view of marriage. It's all well and good to buy books about relationships but the truth is Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth, and there is nothing discussion can do for you compared to
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU
SS: It's late, honey - why are you still up? Come to bed -
GK: What is this? I don't believe this? Look at this. It's our credit card bill - over two thousand dollars in one month - how am I supposed to pay this? Huh? Two thousand dollars ... what is this for?
SS: Take it easy.
GK: Take it easy! Do you know what kind of interest rates we pay on this?
SS: It's for the table and chairs we bought.
GK: Two thousand dollars for those??
SS: And some other things ...
GK: What are they, museum originals?
SS: No, they're not -
GK: Two thousand dollars????
SS: A person may as well get nice things - it's an investment -
GK: An investment!!! Look - this is a bill, it's not an investment ...
SS: Just calm down.
GK: You go frittering away money like it grows on trees -
SS: Honey -
GK: I don't have money to just - throw to the four winds -
TR (ELVIS): Hey chief -
GK: What?
TR (ELVIS): Take a tip from me. Don't argue about money.
GK: But two thousand dollars????
TR (ELVIS): It don't matter, chief. Not important. Take her in your arms, sing her the song.
GK: I'm not exactly in a singing mood ...
TR (ELVIS): Sing. It'll get you in the mood.
GK: But two thousand dollars -
TR (ELVIS): You oughta spend two thousand and get you some soul clothes, man. Get you a crushed velvet shirt. Some jewelry. Some black leather. Nice pair of cowboy boots.
GK: Pretty expensive, Elvis.
TR (ELVIS): Love is expensive, man. Go on. Sing it. Take her in your arms, chief. Sing her the song. Give her a big hunka hunka burnin' love, man.
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor