(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those bleak days in February. I was sitting on my radiator, for the contrast, and waiting for a phone call from a woman named Heather. She had left me a message on the machine and I played it over and over. (CLICK)
SS (ON PHONE): Hi. Mr. Noir, my name is Heather. I'm a screen writer. I'd like to talk with you about making a movie. It's about a private eye. We'd like to have you in it. I'll call back soon. Ciao.
GK: I was down the hall when she called, seeing a man about a dog. And then I came back and there was this magical voice.
SS (ON PHONE): Hi. Mr. Noir, my name is Heather. I'm a screen writer. I'd like to talk with you about making a movie.
GK: And there was another message from the governor ...
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Guy, it's Jesse The Body. Just wanted to see if you'd be around later. Talk to you soon. (CLICK)
GK: I sat down and waited for the phone to ring and all I could think of was Heather. (MUSIC UNDER DAYDREAM SEQ.)
SS: (PHONE) HI. Mr. Noir, my name is Heather. I'm a screen writer and I'm also, like, totally obsessed over you in a strange way. I'd like to talk to you about...
GK: It's hard to keep your fantasy life in check in February....
TR (JESSE): Guy, I got a vacancy on the Minnesota Supreme Court and it came down to you and my old biker buddy Big Ralph and I flipped a coin- --and it's you, Guy! Eighty-five grand a year and a free parking space and complete medical - dental with $25.00 deductible. Congratulations.
GK: How can I thank you, Governor. This is so great. Gosh.
SS (HEATHER): I'm so happy for you, Guy. A judge. And a movie star.
GK: And just then the telephone rang and woke me up. (PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) Heather?
TK (ON PHONE): Yeah. I'm calling about your ad in the paper for a pizza delivery guy?
GK: What delivery guy?
TK (ON PHONE): "Top starting salary. Must have own car."?
GK: You got the wrong number.
TK (ON PHONE): Yeah, look. I don't work nights or weekends. That's the only thing. Otherwise, I'm free.
GK: Look, this isn't a pizza parlor.
TK (ON PHONE): And I don't have a car. But I've got a bike.
GK: I'm not looking for a delivery guy.
TK (ON PHONE): I'm basically free in the afternoons.
GK: Sir - Listen to me -
TK (ON PHONE): Could I ask a question? I get to eat all the pizza I want for free, right?
GK: Sir - you're not listening -
TK (ON PHONE): I don't care for anchovies. So could you remember to hold the anchovies? And I prefer sausage to pepperoni. But pepperoni is okay.
GK: Sir, I'm going to hang up now.
TK (ON PHONE): When do I start?
GK: Start what?
TK (ON PHONE): Could you send a car to pick me up?
GK: Dream on. (HANG UP) Boy. You know the job market is tight when the applicant starts interviewing the employer. (PHONE RINGS AGAIN, PICK UP) Sorry, that position is filled. (HANG UP) All the talk about pizza had made me hungry. I put on my coat and I was halfway out the door, when ... (PHONE RINGS) (PICK UP) Yeah. Guy Noir here.
SS (HEATHER, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's Heather.
GK: Heather? (HEARTBEAT) The screen writer?
SS (HEATHER): Wow. You really have a great memory.
GK: Some people are easier to remember than others.
SS (HEATHER): I wonder if I could meet you somewhere, Mr. Noir. And talk about this movie.
GK: If we're at the same place at the same time, Heather, I would think we could.
SS (HEATHER): How about we meet at the Cote d'Calhoun? About noon?
GK: Noon. Noon. Let me check my calendar. Good. Noon is fine.
SS (HEATHER): Ohh. I just realized. I have a hair appointment then. How about one-thirty?
GK: One thirty is also fine.
SS: Oh, shoot. Gym. My aerobics class. How about two-thirty?
GK: You're in luck. Got that one free too.
SS (HEATHER): Good. I'll be waiting. I'm 23, tall, with bright red hair, and I'll be wearing a black skirt slit up the side and an iridescent peacock tunic and a black velvet scarf. And I'll be carrying a script. (MUSIC)
GK: I got on the bus to Minneapolis and (BUS PULLS AWAY, INTERIOR P.O.V.) the moment it got on the freeway, I sort of zoned out and dreamed about me and Heather and the movie ... (DREAM CHORDS)
SS (HEATHER): I've always dreamed about meeting a private eye - an older one ... one who's been around the block ... slightly cynical - a Philip Marlowe type - who's looking for a beautiful, emotionally needy young woman to come into his life - (MUSIC STOPS, BUS STOPS)
GK: What - huh - where - is this -
TK (DRIVER): Downtown Minneapolis!! Hennepin Avenue! End of the line!! (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: I got off. (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE) The Cote d'Calhoun is a very chi-chi restaurant and (FOOTSTEPS) I thought maybe I'd better stop in a men's shop to buy a new tie -
TR: This is one of our most popular ties - the forest green with the red bacilli - very very in right now. The Governor bought three of them yesterday.
GK: The Governor bought these -
TR: Yes. His are reinforced with barbed wire. And the tie clip is actually a small explosive.
GK: Of course. And a shirt too, please. And could I have that ironed? I'd like to wear it -
TR: Absolutely. - Gerald!! (DINGS BELL) Press job!!! - And how are we set for cufflinks today - (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: And by the time I got outfitted for the meeting, I was five-hundred in hock and five minutes late (TRAFFIC, FAST FOOTSTEPS)- I hustled over toward the Cote d'Calhoun -
TR (IN PASSING): Spare change, man?
GK: And I looked for Heather out front in her iridescent peacock tunic -
SS: Excuse me, could you take a minute to sign a petition - (FOOTSTEPS STOP)
GK: I'm in a hurry.
SS: It's very important.
GK: I have a lunch date.
SS: It's to save the eagles.
GK: How about I don't have any for lunch? (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC, AS HE CROSSES STREET) - She wasn't standing under the awning of the Cote d'Calhoun. I checked my watch. It was only 2:32. And then I saw the sign in the door. (CHORD) Moved!! To 11th Street!! Oh no. - Taxi!!! (BRAKES, CAR DOOR OPENS)
TR: Yeah?
GK: Eleventh Street ... and step on it.
TR: Hey, this is Minneapolis. You don't just hail a cab. You have to phone.
GK: I'm in a hurry.
TR: Well, that's not my fault. You gotta plan ahead. You can't expect a cab to be cruising around waiting for you -
GK: Is this cab taken?
TR: No, but you gotta go through the dispatcher.
GK: Please.
TR: I don't make the rules.
GK: I'm late. I'm supposed to meet a beautiful young woman who wants to make a film about me. Please. It's only six blocks. I'm on my knees.
TR: Okay. Get in. (DOOR SLAM, CAR PULLS AWAY) But you're supposed to phone.
GK: Fine. I'll remember next time.
TR: Where to?
GK: The Cote d'Calhoun restaurant. (BRAKES) What are you doing?
TR: It's right back there.
GK: They moved! To Eleventh Street! Eleventh and Nicollet!
TR: Okay. Why didn't you tell me? (CAR PULLS AWAY) (MUSIC)
GK: It's maddening to drive in Minnesota when you're in a big hurry. Nobody here is able to make left-hand turns on a two-way street. Drivers sit and wait for someone to let them pass in front of them. You've got to be aggressive. You've got to get your nose into the oncoming and then they'll stop for you. But here - (HONKS) - you get about two cars through per green light. It took us fifteen minutes to go six blocks. (CAR SQUEALS TO STOP) How much do I owe you?
TR: Dollar twenty-five.
GK: Okay. Here. And hurry.
TR: A ten?
GK: It's all I got!
TR: You got anything smaller?
GK: It's all I got, okay?
TR: I'm gonna have to go inta the hotel and break it -
GK: Please. You gotta have change -
TR: It'll only take a minute.
GK: I don't have a minute. Keep it. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (OFF): Hey thanks! (FOOTSTEPS)
(FOOTSTEPS STOP, RUN BACK TO CAB)
GK: Here - when you get change - here's my address -
TR: Sure -
GK: Mail it to me.
TR: Right.
GK: I'm trusting you now.
TR (OFF): Have a nice day.
GK: Okay. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (MUSIC) I dashed into the Cote d'Calhoun looking for Heather and there was no sign of her -
TR (MAITRE'D): A girl with red hair? Yes, there was one such girl, but she left several minutes ago, monsieur.....(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. MAN CRIES OUT IN ALARM. TRAFFIC)
GK: I dashed down the street looking for her - I saw a bright spot of color about a block away, turning the corner, and I headed for it, and -
TR (FELLOWS): Mr. Noir!! (FOOTSTEPS STOP)
GK: Reverend Fellows -
TR: I was hoping to run into you.
GK: I'm in a huge hurry right now, Pastor.
TR: I'm sorry your trip to London didn't work out but we've got another project for you.
GK: What's that?
TR: Betty Crocker.
GK: What about her?
TR: She's gay.
GK: Really?
TR: Think about it. There's no Mr. Crocker, is there? All these years, and she's never been married. What does that tell you?
GK: She earns good money, she can afford to be choosy -
TR: And she keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter. It's getting kinda spiky.
GK: Listen. Call me. I've got to run. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) I took off around the corner and ahead of me there was a woman with red hair and a bright tunic and black skirt and she was just about to get into a car -
TK: Hey Guy. Guy. It's me. (FOOTSTEPS STOP)
GK: Excuse me, fella. I'm trying to get -
TK: You remember me, don't you, Guy? Huh? Sure you do.
GK: Yes, but I've got to run -
TK: Big Boy Billiards? Rice Street? 1972?
GK: No, I don't. Excuse me -
TK: Men's Bowling? Tuesday nights? Tommy? Remember?
GK: Right. I remember now. Listen -
TK: Let me buy you a beer.
GK: I don't have time. (CAR PULLS AWAY) Heather!! (CAR BRAKES) Sorry, mister. (FOOTSTEPS)
TK (OFF): Boy, thought we were friends. Thanks for the memories, pal! (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Heather?
SS: Yes?
GK: It's me, Guy Noir. Sorry I'm late. I got caught in traffic, and then I didn't know the restaurant moved - you want to find a place and talk?
SS: Well, sure - okay. Where you want to go?
GK: You got a car?
SS: Yes, of course.
GK: Well - if you don't mind- let's go to St. Paul.
SS: St. Paul? Is that near here?
GK: It's just east -
SS: In Wisconsin?
GK: Almost, but no, not quite. (MUSIC) We headed back to St. Paul. Back to the Five Spot.
(DOOR. JINGLE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Not so bad, Jimmy. Jimmy, this is Heather.
SS: Hi. A pleasure.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get you?
SS: A mineral water for me. Slice of lime.
GK: Gimme a Martini, with extra olives. And an anchovy, if you've got one.
TR: One mineral water, one antipasto Martini, coming right up. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I've been thinking about the movie, Heather. I'm thinking a simple title, like "Guy" - just the one word - "Guy" - I think people can identify with it better - and I'm thinking, psychological thriller. None of the car crashes and gunfights and special effects. Use the power of fear. Those empty alleys. The broken glass. The loading docks of abandoned warehouses. And the story is about an innocent, lost amidst the squalor and cynicism of the big city -
SS: Mr. Noir -
GK: Not about the squalor and cynicism?
SS: Mr. Noir, I'm studying film at the U. I'm doing this for a class project. It's eight minutes long. Actually more of a video than a film. I was thinking of shooting it in your office. Just you.
GK: Me what -
SS: Me interviewing you.
GK: Fine. That's good too. That was going to be my second idea. The interview. Eight minutes. Good.
TR (JIMMY): Here's your mineral water, Miss. (SETS GLASSES DOWN) And Guy - your Martini. Four olives. Didn't have any anchovy, so I put in a herring instead. Hope that's okay.
GK: Fine. Here's to you - Eight minutes. Maybe someday we can flesh it out a little. The governor come in looking for me?
TR (JIMMY): No but he called and left a message.
GK: For me! Really? Lemme hear it, Jimmy.
(CLICK) TR (JESSE): Guy, it's Jesse. Jesse The Body. Lissen. I'm heading off to LA to do some TV - I was wondering if you wanted to come to work for me. I need somebody to work out on my farm. In the barn. You know. Clean up after the horses. I used to do it myself but I can't shovel that stuff anymore cause I'm too busy being governor. Call me. (CLICK)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor