(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was February, one of those bleak cold days when you look out the window and suddenly you're Willie Loman in "Death of A Salesman" and attention must be paid but there's nothing you want to look at. Grey skies outside and inside a desk piled with unpaid bills. One from my fumigator stamped "This bill is one year old." I wrote "Happy Anniversary," and mailed it back. I was in that kind of mood. Valentine's Day, and here I was, a guy who if women are helplessly attracted to me, they sure have been keeping it a secret.
(PHONE RINGS)
GK: Noir here.
SS (MOM, ON PHONE): Guy?
GK: Hi Mom. How are you?
SS (MOM): Never better, darling. Eighty-six and I'm going gangbusters. Ever since I put your father in the nursing home, I've been on a roll. Did I mention that I'm in a creative writing course?
GK: No, you didn't, Mom.
SS (MOM): Yes. I'm writing a romance novel. It's called "Pink Undies"-I'm almost ready to send it to a publisher.
GK: A publisher!
SS (MOM): There's a big market for sexually explicit fiction for seniors. You know.
GK: No, I didn't. I didn't want to know.
SS (MOM): Anyway, I love this writing class. I met someone there, honey.
GK: Oh?
SS (MOM): He's very nice.
GK: I hope he hasn't read your novel.
SS (MOM): He has. He loves it. His name is Herbert. I want you to meet him.
GK: Do I have a choice?
SS (MOM): He's seventy-eight. Do you think that's too young?
GK: Too young for what?
SS (MOM): Honey, I've got to run. Something's boiling over. I'll call you right back. (CLICK) (MUSIC)
GK: A gray day, I'm feeling old and depressed, and my mother calls to tell me about her salacious novel and confess to an adulterous relationship. Boy. I sat and waited for the phone to ring but evidently whatever was boiling over kept boiling or else she had to clean it up, and minutes passed, and then (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS) I was hoping maybe it was the Governor with a judicial appointment in hand but it was two guys in identical brown polyester suits, two guys with hair so carefully coiffed that it looked like a toupee ...
TR: Mr. Noir, I'm Reverend Jim Fellows and this is my assistant, Rev. Wayne Wanger -
TK: Pleased to meetcha.
TR: We're from the Fellows Fellowship Hour, perhaps you've seen it on cable TV - on the Fellows Family Network - daily show - 11 a.m. and it reruns at 3, 7, 11, and 2 a.m.?
GK: I think I may have come across it.
TK: It's an inspirational family show.
GK: Good.
TR: Mr. Noir, I'll come right to the point. Do you mind if we sit down?
GK: Be my guest.
TR: Mr. Noir, Rev. Wanger and I are about 85 percent certain that one of the Teletubbies is gay. And we'd like you to find out for sure so we can get our boycott going.
GK: I see.
TK: It's the third one from the left. The one with the hole in his earlobe. You can see it.
TR: We've watched the last sixteen episodes of the show and when the Teletubbies are dancing on the hillside, it seems to us that he is trying to hold hands with the Teletubby on his right.
TK: The second one from the left.
TR: And he's purple.
TK: What sort of man wear purple?
TR: So anyway we'd like you to fly to England where the show is taped, and audition for a Teletubby role, and get on the lot and observe him at close hand and confirm that he is, indeed, a fruitcake.
GK: I'd be happy to, Rev. Fellows. Let me tell you how I work.
TR: Oh, and we'll need photographs. (PHONE RING)
GK: Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yeah? Guy Noir.
SS (MOM, ON PHONE): Sorry to bother you again, honey. The body chocolate boiled over and then the doorbell rang and it was Herbert.
GK: Body chocolate?
SS (MOM): It's chocolate you put on yourself.
GK: Ma, can I call you back?
SS: Well, I was thinking of unplugging the phone for awhile.
GK: Ma, does Dad know about this?
SS: Honey, your father has been in the twilight for years now. He just sits and talks to people on the TV.
GK: Ma, I've got to call you back. Okay?
SS: Okay, but I may be upstairs with Herbert.
GK: Okay, Ma. Later. (CLICK) Now, as I was saying - the terms, gentlemen. Ordinarily my retainer is $2000 up front. I work for $300 a day. Plus 50% for overseas. And when I fly - due to a service-related injury from the Marine Corps - I can't fly tourist. Those narrow seats put me into spasms. And in London I always stay at the Savoy. A suite.
TR: That sounds fine with us, Mr. Noir. Rev. Wanger will accompany you on the trip -
TK: I'll be doing the photography.
TR: Can you leave Monday?
GK: I'll start packing tonight. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: They went off to assemble the advance - I told them I preferred cash, fifties - and I went around the corner to the Five Spot to celebrate.
(DOOR. JINGLE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Couldn't be better, Jimmy. I'm on my way to England, working for triple my usual fee, and flying first-class. Monday.
TR (JIMMY): Wow. Congratulations.
GK: I may actually be able to pay off some of my tab here, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Well, warn me first so I can be sitting down when you do.
GK: I shouldn't be saying this, Jimmy, but I have a feeling that maybe I'm pulling out of my slump.
TR (JIMMY): That's great. Want me to make you a Martini so you can pull back in to it?
GK: No, thanks. I don't want to have gin on my breath, I'm about to go to work for fundamentalists.
TR (JIMMY): I could make you a Baptist Martini. Vodka and lemonade.
GK: No, thanks. Just a Coke and a couple of hard boiled eggs.
TR (JIMMY, OFF): Coming right up.
GK: You haven't seen the Governor lately, have you? I was sort of hoping he was looking for me.
TR (JIMMY, APPROACHING): He hasn't been around.
GK: (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS) Hey, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): Hi, Guy. Hi, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Great to see ya, Sugar. Gosh, that's a fantastic dress. Have you lost weight lately? I like your hair like that.
SS (SUGAR): Boy, some guys sure know what to say to a woman. - I said, some guys sure know what to say to a woman, Guy.
GK: I heard you.
SS (SUGAR): As a matter of fact, I have lost weight, Jimmy. I've been working around the clock.
TR (JIMMY): The Governor's got you pretty busy, huh?
SS (SUGAR): He sure has. It's no easy thing, taking government out of the hands of the elite and turning it back to the people. For one thing, the people don't want it. And the ones who do, you wouldn't want 'em running things.
GK: So has the Governor mentioned me at all, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): Not to me, he hasn't, but then, I'm only his Commissioner of Opportunity. Maybe he's mentioned you to his Commissioner of Corrections.
GK: Very humorous.
TR (JIMMY): Guy is going to England on a high-priced job for some fundamentalists, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): Wonderful. Maybe he can pay me the money he owes me, then.
GK: You'll have to get in line, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): Anyway, I've got to go.
GK: What's your hurry, Sugar?
SS (SUGAR): I have a date. Friend of the Governor's. A wrestler. Named The Prince of Darkness.
GK: Ah. Well, give him my best.
SS (SUGAR): I will. Bye, Jimmy. (FOOTSTEPS, FADE) Bye, Guy. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
TR (JIMMY): That's great so see Sugar looking so chic and successful, not droopy and depressed like she did when she was your girlfriend.
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): Hey, who's this coming in?
GK: Is it the Governor??? (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS) Oh. Hi, Ma.
SS (MOM): Hello, sweetheart. Hi, Jimmy. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Want you to meet someone very special, Guy. Say hello to Herbert.
GK: Hi, Herbert.
SS (MOM): Turn around and look when you say hello, Guy.
GK: Hello, Herbert.
TR (HERBERT): Call me Herb. Heard a lot about you, young fellow. Your mom is sure proud of you. Showed me the whole scrapbook. All the pictures and everything. Somehow I imagined you'd be a little slimmer than what you are -
GK: Ma, could I have a word with you, alone?
SS (MOM): All right, honey. (PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP)
GK: Ma, look - it's none of my business, but you're a married woman, and you're going around with this fortune-hunter, this Medicare Casanova -
SS (MOM): Honey, I'm 86. If I don't cut loose now, when am I ever going to?
GK: But think about Dad -
SS (MOM): Your father is happy to have three meals a day and regular bowel movements, honey. Beyond that, he doesn't care.
GK: But what if he hears about this -
SS (MOM): Your father wouldn't hear a church bell if you hit him over the head with it.
GK: But he'll know -
SS (MOM): I've been waiting on him hand and foot for years and all he notices is the hand - he doesn't notice the face. So I'm out of there. Just get used to it. I've flown the coop.
GK: What do you mean?
SS (MOM): Herbert and I are flying to London on Monday. First class. I got an advance of eighty-grand on "Pink Undies" and we're going to have a whee of a time.
GK: Mother -
SS (MOM): We're going to stay at the Savoy and go to plays and have dinner afterward and go dancing and watch the sun come up.
GK: The Savoy?
SS (MOM): We're getting the bridal suite. Champagne and oysters for breakfast, and to heck with the calories.
GK: Are you up for this?
SS (MOM): There's plenty of time to rest when you're dead. When you're alive, you got to get some fun out of life. I've started on a new novel called "Steam Heat"-what do you think?
GK: I wish you'd think about this -
SS (MOM): I've been thinking about nothing else for thirty years.
(FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
TR (HERBERT): Can I order you a mixed drink, Angel Lips?
SS (MOM): Gimme one of those Manhattans, Herbie.
TR (HERBERT): Anything for you, Son?
GK: I'd rather you didn't call me Son -
TR (HERBERT): Two Manhattans for us, barkeep, and another Coca Cola for the kid. - So what is it you do, exactly, Son?
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor