(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: (CELEBS THEME) It's Valentine's Day weekend, and what do famous celebrities do for Valentine's Day - people who jealously guard their privacy, let's bust in on them and find out - Mr. President, you have special plans for Valentine's Day?
TR (CLINTON): Yes, I am going to sit down and write about 50 Valentines today to some very special friends in the United States Senate, and then Hillary and I are going to sit down and have a candlelit dinner together and I'll give her my Valentine's Day present.
GK: Sounds lovely. And what will that present be, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Well, that's going to have to be a secret ...
GK: Mr. President, there are no more secrets.
TR (CLINTON): Well, I would prefer not to talk about it ...
GK: Mr. President, this is going to come out eventually, so you may as well say ...
TR (CLINTON): Well, I think that this is a private family matter ...
GK: Mr. President, you're giving her a public radio coffee mug and tote bag, aren't you -
TR (CLINTON): How'd you find that out?
GK: Mr. President, you owe your wife big-time. I'd say it's time for jewelry.
TR (CLINTON): I've got this Denver Broncos pin ...
GK: No, sir.
TR (CLINTON): It's nice. It's sort of silvery ...
GK: Mr. President, you need to buy a gift for your wife.
TR (CLINTON): How about a ballpoint pen with a picture of the White House on it?
GK: Not a souvenir.
TR (CLINTON): It's nice. It's gold and everything ...
GK: Think it over, Mr. President. Tom Brokaw of NBC, your book is No. 1 on the Times best-seller list -
TR (BROKAW): That's right. The Best Generation.
GK: The Best Generation. Nice title.
TR (BROKAW): It's all about alternative forms of energy, such as windmills and solar power.
GK: I thought it was about guys who fought in World War II.
TR (BROKAW): Oh really? My publicist said it's -
GK: Anyway, it's great that it's doing so well. What's up for you and Mrs. Brokaw for Valentine's Day?
TR (BROKAW): Well, I thought I'd take her back to Mom's Cafe for dinner.
GK: Is that in Manhattan?
TR (BROKAW): Yes, it's right here in our home.
GK: Thank you, sir. Ted Koppel, any plans for Valentine's Day?
TR (KOPPEL): Valentine's Day is a day that, in a sense, and sense, after all, is the very basis of romance, which, as I think we all realize, if one can use the word "realize," which I just did, although I am aware, and let me just add parenthetically that I mean aware in the larger sense of that word, which, on the whole, includes not only awareness but sensibility, and now I believe I have forgotten what we were talking about.
GK: I think you gave us a number of insights there, thank you very much. And now, here's America's doyenne of the kitchen, Julia Child.
TR (JULIA): Bonjour, mes amis!
GK: And what are your plans for Valentine's Day, Julia?
TR (JULIA): Oh, I'm going to have a very special friend over for a romantic tete-a-tete. I'm preparing a lovely duck, swimming in champagne sauce, with brandied carrots and creme de menthe french fries, and for desert a divine rum cake topped with a yummy grand marnier sauce.
GK: Sounds like quite a feast. Who's this special friend?
TR (JULIA): Oh, that's a secret. Let's just call him My Secret Admirer.
GK: Is he somebody we know?
TR (JULIA): Oh my. We're curious now, aren't we.
GK: Is he an American?
TR (JULIA): Yes.
GK: Is he a TV personality?
TR (JULIA): No.
GK: No, he's not?
TR (KISSINGER, SOTTO VOCE): What do you mean, not a TV personality?
GK: Is he a former Statesman?
TR: What do you mean, "former"?
GK: Is he somewhere nearby right now?
TR (JULIA): No! - Shhh. Under the table.
TR (KISSINGER): But why can't we tell the world, darling?
TR (JULIA): Shhhhh.
GK: Well, happy Valentine's Day to you. Governor Ventura, what are your plans for Valentine's day?
TR (JESSE): Me and the Little First Lady are gonna go out snowmobiling and stop at a couple taverns where it's Nickle Beer Night and put on our beer hats.
GK: Beer hats?
TR (JESSE): You know. Those hats with little compartments for your beer cans, with straws attached so you can drink your beer without using your hands. Then we'll come home and cook up a 48-inch pizza and watch Wrestlemania.
GK: Sounds good.
TR (JESSE): And then I'll put on my good earrings and a pink feather boa and she and I'll rassle.
GK: Okay. Great.
TR (JESSE): It's a cage match. Best two out of three falls. She's beaten me the last four times in a row.
GK: Okay. Thank you.
TR (JESSE): She wears this leopardskin outfit and she's got a mask - I call her The Retaliator. She's rough. She's got cattle prods and everything.
GK: Okay. We don't need to know everything, Governor.
TR (JESSE): She picks me up and she throws me into a dumpster and there's gasoline and it blows up. It's incredible.
GK: Okay.
TR (JESSE): I can't explain why it thrills me, but it really does.
GK: Sounds like a wonderful time. Mr. Rogers, what are you up to for Valentines Day?
TR (MR. ROGERS): You want to know what Mr. and Mrs. Rogers are doing for Valentine's Day? Is that what you want to know? Well, I'll tell you. Yes, I will. I'm going to take Mrs. Rogers out to a very nice restaurant here in the neighborhood and then we'll come back here and I'll get out my puppets.
GK: Puppets?
TR (MR. ROGERS): My love puppets.
GK: That's all the time we have for Famous Celebrities (THEME) brought to you by MarCom, makers of ZanTec.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor