(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Tonight's show brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. GK: You wake up Sunday morning
(TR YAWN, STRETCH) and it's a beautiful day, the perfect day to get out on the skis, so you ease out of bed (CAUTIONS SQUEAK OF BEDSPRINGS) without waking your wife (SS SNORING)
which isn't hard - she has been known to sleep through thunderstorms and major parties and the conception of your children. (SS SNORES) You tiptoe downstairs (STAIRS CREAKING) and gather up your warm clothes and make yourself a peanut-butter banana sandwich for breakfast (SQUISHES, SPREADING) and hop in the car (CAR STARTING) and it won't start. (CAR STARTING)
Funny, you haven't had trouble before. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) You get out and look under the hood. (CREAK OF HOOD OPENING) Probably not a good idea to start unscrewing stuff. But - (TR: What the heck) your wife gave you that auto tool kit for Christmas. Why not use it?
(UNSCREWING VARIOUS NUTS, BOLTS. TR STRAIN) So you take off the air filter and take off some other stuff that's around the air filter, some of which is attached to the filter, some to other stuff, and somehow it won't go back the same way it came off. (BWANG. TR EXASPERATION) And just at that moment a slight shadow falls over the engine and you turn and - (SEXY SAX. SS: Hi. I'm Amber. I just moved in next door. I noticed you were having car trouble. Are you all right? HEARTBEAT)
Well, are you? Are you all right? (TR GULP) (SS: I see you have your skis. I'm going skiing myself. TR: You are?? SS: Got my car all loaded. Heading for Spirit Mountain. TR: Wow.) Spirit Mountain. The Minnesota Matterhorn. You've always wanted to go. (SS: I have room in my car if you'd like to come.) (TR GULP) Well? Would you like to come? - And suddenly you have a vision (ORGAN) -
Pastor Olson is talking to you. (TR REVERB: When temptation appears, we must turn away from it immediately and not pause to consider it.) But you've already paused, haven't you. And what's the temptation? (HEARTBEAT) She's your neighbor. It's only a ski trip. (TR: It's only a ski trip.) So you say yes. (TR: Gosh, I'd love to!) (CAR PULL AWAY) And off you go. No problem. - It does occur to you that your wife is going to see your car in the driveway and so you'll have to think up a good story when you get home. (TR TO HIMSELF: I went with a friend. - With friends, that is. Some guys from work. Oh, nobody you'd know. Bunch of guys.) Plenty of time to think about that later. (CAR PULLS UP, DOORS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW.) (SS: So, do you ski often, Roger? TR: Oh yeah.) But the truth is, this is your first time on the slopes this year. And from the way she gets her skis on in about ten seconds (SERIES OF CLAMPS AND LEVERS, TWICE) you can tell she's an ace. That, and her red Spandex ski pants. (HEARTBEAT) (SS: All ready? TR: You go ahead, I'll catch up with you at the top. SS: Okay. SHE SKIS AWAY) And that's the last you see of her for the next six hours. Oh, you get glimpses of her going past (SKI, FAST, PAST) but she's on the expert slope (SKIS, WHOOSH PAST)
and you're on a lower slope with the little people (TR, SS, TK, CHILDREN'S CRIES OF PLEASURE: Look, Daddy.....ETC) and ever so often you see a red blur go by (SKIS WHOOSH PAST, SS AMBER CRY), and meanwhile, it's getting late (TR: Oh migosh), the sun's going down (TR: I gotta get home), and then you catch sight of the sign on the front of the chalet (TR GASP: Happy Valentine's Day!!???) - it's Valentine's Day. (TR SHUDDER OF HORROR) You've got to find Amber and head home and stop on the way for a pound of chocolates. So you head for the chair lift (SKIS, TR ANXIETY) and there it is (ENGINE) and you try to remember how to get in position and (THUMP, TR SURPRISE) the chair grabs you and (FADING TK LAUGHTER) you hear the guy behind you laughing as you (FAINT RUSH OF AIR) rise suddenly to an incredible height and now your old acrophobia kicks in (TR NAUSEA) and you have to close your eyes and put your head between your knees and so when the chair dumps you off (TR ALARM, SKIS) you're not quite ready but you make it to the top. (TR CALLS: Amber - Amber - you ready to go home? WITH TK ECHO) And she's nowhere to be seen. (TR: Have you seen a woman in red Spandex tights? TK: Hey, what's wrong with your skis?) And you look down. (TR SHAME) You've got one downhill, one cross- country. No wonder you keep veering to the left. (TR: Amber!! WITH TK ECHO) And now you're at the summit. (SLIGHT WIND. TR: Oh no. Oh my God.) It's the top of the world. There are clouds drifting past. And right at your feet is a sheer precipice. (TR HORROR) Maybe there's another way. (TR: Excuse me - can a person go down on the chair lift?? TK: Outta my way, bunny boy. SKI PAST) (TR: Excuse me, ma'am - have you seen the Ski Patrol around here? SKI WHOOSH PAST) And suddenly you lose your balance
(TR HORROR, SKIS UNDERFOOT) and you start down at tremendous speed (TR TERROR),
and you can't remember how to turn or what these poles are for, you're going straight down the slope and trees are going past in a blur (SERIES OF WHOOSHES) and then one tree isn't blurry, it's getting clearer and clearer and clearer (NEAR MISS WHOOSH) and you barely miss it and (VOICES WHOOSH PAST) you're passing every skier on the slope and the chalet is coming closer and closer and you lean to the side and (SKIS UNDERFOOT) you turn and the skis turn and you slide (TR HORROR) and you brake to a stop right in front of Amber and her car. (SKIS BRAKING, AND STOP)
(SS: You ready to head home?) Your hands are sort of clamped onto the ski poles and (TR EFFORT) it's hard to pry your fingers loose, but finally you do and (CAR PULL AWAY) you head for home. (TR: Would you mind stopping at some kind of gift shop or something on the way home? SS: No problem.) It's late. You've been gone for eight hours. Didn't even leave a note. (TR ANXIETY)
The only appropriate gift at this point would be the Hope diamond. But you pick up a pound of cherry bon bons at a gas station (TR: You wouldn't be able to wrap that for me, would you? TK GRUFF: I don't wrap. TR: Fine.) and finally you get home (TR: Would you mind dropping me off at the end of the block, Amber? SS: No problem.) and you make your way to your house, rehearsing your story
(TR: So - the car wouldn't start, and this guy offered me a ride, Ambler was his name, Eric Ambler....)
and in you go (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS) and you smell dinner (TR INHALE) and your wife is in the kitchen (SS: Hi - did you go skiing? TR: Uh ... yeah ... I ... I was ... SS: Did you have a nice time? TR: Uh ... yeah, great ... it's sort of interesting ... I was - SS: Well, you're just in time for dinner. Here. I got a nice bottle of wine. POURING. SS: Here's to us, handsome.) And she leans forward to give you a kiss and - (SS: What are these long blonde hairs on your jacket? TR: Long blonde what?? SS: Where did these come from? TR: There was this dog, honey - this English sheepdog-)
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor