(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye -
(MUSIC UNDER)
GK: It was the first week of February, a time when most Minnesotans have gone through the six steps of coming to terms with winter: Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Acceptance, Grief, and Vacation in Florida. I had been thinking about Costa Rica since I saw a picture in a magazine of a woman on the beach so beautiful I couldn't keep my eyes off the staples in her bellybutton. But then I struck up this friendship with Governor Jesse (The Body) Ventura and suddenly there were opportunities for steady employment so I stuck around. He had called me by mistake back in December -
GK: Noir here.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Is this the Husky Guy Clothing Shop?
GK: No, this isn't Husky Guy. It's Guy Noir.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Do you sell stretch tuxedos?
GK: Stretch tuxedos?
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): I'm going to an inaugural ball, and I plan on eating a lot.
GK: Governor, let me see what I can do. (MUSIC) I got him a stretch tuxedo, and a few days later he called again.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Guy? This is Jesse. I need ya to do me a big favor. I'm thinkin about makin some appointments, ya know? and I gotta run a background check on some guys and make sure they're not - funny. Ya know? Guys with odd hobbies.
GK: So I tailed some guys for him to make sure they weren't secretly doing ceramics or weaving or storytelling.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): I don't wanna make somebody my commissioner of corrections and then find out he does origami in his spare time. Ya know? It makes me look bad.
GK: One guy who he was thinking of naming commissioner of finance I discovered liked to go every Tuesday night to an unmarked storefront in north Minneapolis and do tai chi.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE): Ya mean those people who stand and do those weird little waving motions and lift their leg in the air?
GK: Right.
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE, OFF): Okay - scratch him ... I don't need it.
GK: A guy was going to be Jesse's commissioner of human services and he seemed okay, he had season tickets to the Timberwolves, he rode a snowmobile, (SNOWMOBILE SFX) but then I followed him on that snowmobile and he went deep into the woods (SNOWMOBILE SLOW AND STOP) and stopped at an A-frame cabin and (KNOCKS ON DOOR, OFF) there were these guys there (DOOR OPEN, IN DISTANCE, AND MEN'S VOICES, SLIGHTLY SURREPTITIOUS) and he went in and I snuck around and looked in a window and (SWAN LAKE, VIOLIN, BASS, PIANO) you got it - they were in leotards, dancing, and it wasn't the schottische ...
TR (JESSE, ON PHONE, OFF): I always knew there was something not right about him. His cologne was kinda different.
GK: The governor took a shine to me. I guess he'd never met an old-time private eye before. He invited me over to smoke cigars and shoot pool. We went ice-fishing.
TR (JESSE): Hey, I like you, you know that?
GK: The feeling is mutual, Governor.
TR (JESSE): Hey, don't call me Governor. Call me what all my old pals call me. Vent.
GK: Vent?
TR (JESSE): That's what they call me. Vent.
GK: Okay, Vent. - (MUSIC) He offered me a job on his security detail, but I didn't care to spend my days sitting in an outer office poring over old Reader's Digests. I saw myself more as a judge of some kind. Judges work from about 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. with an hour for lunch and clerks to write their opinions. I thought a judgeship would be right up my alley. My ex-girlfriend Sugar had gone to work for the governor as his Commissioner of Opportunity and she said the way to his heart was through his chief adviser, Buddy Nickel.
SS (SUGAR): Governor Ventura is one smart cookie, let me tell you. The first thing you do when you get elected governor, you look around for people smarter than you, and you hire em, and you do what they tell you to do.
GK: Sort of like marriage, huh?
SS (SUGAR): Exactly.
GK: I know Buddy Nickel.
SS (SUGAR): Then call him.
GK: I don't think that's a good idea. He probably still remembers our poker game a year ago. I took the pot and we shook hands and a couple of cards fell out of my shirtsleeve. A 9 of clubs and an ace of hearts as I recall. (MUSIC) Sugar recommended that I send in my resume, so we headed over to the Five Spot to write it. I'd never written a resume before. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hi, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Hey Guy, Sugar. How's it going?
GK: Fine, Jimmy. And you?
TR: Great. I thought you were going south.
GK: I was going to go to Costa Rica, Jimmy. Postponed the trip. Too much going on.
TR: I hear it's beautiful.
GK: Saw a picture in a magazine, Jimmy. A young woman on the beach. Suddenly I could imagine walking up to her and striking up a conversation and suddenly my high school Spanish would come back to me.
SS: I've heard of that happening.
GK: It'd all come back and I'd say something really deep and beautiful.
SS: Like "Como esta usted," maybe.
GK: Right. And she'd want to marry me and I'd face the most difficult decision of my life.
TR: Whether to lead a life of passionate romance or stay in St. Paul.
GK: Exactly.
SS: Sounds like maybe a judgeship would be a little bit over your head, Guy.
TR: You going to be a judge, Guy?
GK: I don't know. We'll see.
SS: Hey. Nice napkins. "Happy 50th Anniversary, Sid & Estelle." Who are they?
TR: Got 'em for free, Sugar. Sid is my uncle.
SS: Nice.
TR: Their anniversary got canceled because they decided to get a divorce.
SS: Oh, that's too bad. Why?
TR: Over the years, I guess they just gradually got on each other's nerves.
GK: Say, Jimmy, you know anything about writing resumes?
TR: Sure.
GK: Do you have to be real specific or could you write, after education some ...
SS: Hey, look who's coming in?
GK: Oh no - (HE GETS UP) Governor! be careful with that - (BIG WOOD AND GLASS BREAKAGE)
TR (JESSE, OFF): Oh. Sorry. I guess that door opens the other way, don't it. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Didn't mean to break it.
GK: Are you okay?
SS: You didn't hurt yourself, did you?
GK: Have a seat.
TR (JESSE): Rest assured, you will be compensated for damages.
TR (JIMMY): Ah, no problem, Governor. We were planning to replace it eventually anyway.
GK: You look like you been having a rough day, Governor.
TR (JESSE): I'll just have a beer.
GK: A beer, Jimmy.
TR (JESSE): And no slice of lime.
GK: No lime, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY, OFF): One lime, not coming up.
TR (JESSE): I am not a yuppie. In case you were wondering.
SS: You sure aren't. Au contraire.
GK: So how's it going, Governor? Those guys you appointed all working out for you?
TR (JESSE): So far so good. I'm really catching heat for changing the Arts Board to the Jet Ski Board, though. Boy, I tell ya.
GK: Well, that arts crowd, it's just a bunch of grumblers, if you ask me.
TR (JESSE): Ain't it the truth.
SS: Very negative people.
TR (JESSE): They already got piles of money in the arts. Jet skis - the state doesn't spend a penny on 'em except to persecute em.
GK: It's not fair.
TR (JIMMY): Here's your beer, Governor.
TR (JESSE): Thanks. (HE GLUGS THE ENTIRE STEIN. PAUSE. BELCH) That was good.
GK: Bring him another, Jimmy.
TR (JESSE): People think I'm anti-arts - I'm not. I'm as sensitive as anybody else. Just cause I'm big don't mean I don't care about beauty and stuff -
SS: You seem very sensitive to me, Governor. You have the eyes of a poet.
TR (JESSE): People who think I'm some big brute -
SS: Absolutely not.
TR (JESSE): I love music. I love poetry.
SS: I'm sure you do.
TR (JESSE): Like that poem by Robert Frost. That's my favorite.
GK: Right. The one about -
TR (JESSE): Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it weird
To stop without a farmhouse near -
He gives his harness bells a shake
To see if I just fell asleep
Here by the woods, which are so deep
And dark and lovely and full of snow
And I have several more miles to go
Along that road less travelled by
I did it my way.
That's not right, is it. Darn. I hate it when I mess up! I just hate it! (HE THROWS GLASS, BREAKS MIRROR) Sorry. I'm really sorry.
GK: Quite all right, Governor. I never liked that mirror anyway.
SS: Neither did I.
TR (JIMMY): Glad to have it out of there.
GK: People don't want to watch themselves drink. What's the point of it?
TR (JESSE): I'm really sorry. Rest assured, it won't happen again.
SS: No reason to do it again, you already took care of it.
TR (JIMMY): Much nicer here without it.
GK: It feels lighter somehow, doesn't it.
TR (JIMMY): It does.
GK: There just is a whole sense of lightness without that mirror -
TR (JIMMY): Of openness.
SS: I like that bare wall with that empty frame -
TR (JIMMY): And the shards of glass in it.
GK: Something almost postmodern about it.
TR (JIMMY): You took a mirror and made it into a work of art, Governor.
SS: You deconstructed it.
TR (JESSE): You mean that? you like it?
GK: It's beautiful. It was a very judicious act of breakage.
TR (JESSE): Sometimes I get so mad ...
GK: I consider myself a pretty fair judge of aesthetics and I like what you did to that mirror.
TR (JESSE): Speaking of judges ...
GK: Yes?
TR (JESSE): I gotta go judge the Winter Carnival Cat Tossing Contest.
GK: Sounds like fun.
TR (JESSE): Sure wish you'd think about coming to work for me, Guy.
GK: I think about it every day, Vent.
TR (JESSE): I waste more time looking around for my car keys in the morning. You know that? Finding my billfold. My comb.
GK: Comb?
TR (JESSE): Moustache comb. Look around for my nail clippers. My head buffer.
SS: You need a valet.
TR (JESSE): Look around for my Colt pistol. My ammo belt. My detonator caps.
GK: You know, people have told me that I oughta be a judge. So many people. People come up to me on the street sometimes and they say, "Aren't you a judge?" I say, "No", and they say, "Boy you sure look like one."
TR (JESSE): Wow. Look at the time. I gotta run.
GK: People can see that quality in a person. People can sense that - that - sense of fairness in a guy.
TR (JESSE): Hey. It's been a gas. See ya round. Bye, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Bye, Governor.
GK: Let me walk you to your car. (FOOTSTEPS)(FADING): My view of the judiciary, Governor, is take it away from the elite. Give it back to the ordinary guy. Vent, I am that guy.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building a light shines where one guy is still trying to find the answers ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor