(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, SR: Scott Rivard)
GK: It's Winter Carnival here in St. Paul, a major event and dozens of famous celebrities from all over the country have come to enjoy it - and right now I'd like to bring you a segment we recorded earlier on location ... Scott Rivard, if you could run that tape now. Thank you. (TK SLOW TAPE EFFECT)
SR: Sorry. Had the machine set at one and three-quarters ...
GK: No, I think it's recorded at 15 ... (TK FAST TAPE EFFECT)... Sorry. Seven and a half ...
SR: Let me rewind. (TK REWIND EFFECT) (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, CROWD IN BACKGROUND)
GK: I'm standing at the top of the Winter Carnival ski run here on Dayton's Bluff near downtown, one of the most exciting features of the Carnival, one that attracts thousands of visitors every year and makes St. Paul a major destination city. Planeloads of foreign tourists come in for it. People even come over from Minneapolis. (TR JAPANESE) Here are some Japanese getting ready to go down. (TR EXCITED JAPANESE) And there they go - (CROWD OHHHH) - the ski run goes almost straight down and across Interstate 94 (SEMI HORN, PASSING) - and down a steep slope and across the tracks of the Burlington Northern (DISTANT WHISTLE) and then out onto the ice of the Mississippi - (AIRPLANE PASSING, CLOSE) where there's a patch of open water in the middle so the tow plane flies in low over the skier who has to reach up and and grab the tow rope and water-ski across the river and up the slope on the other side. President Clinton is here and about to go down the slope - Mr. President, this is a dangerous slope here -
TR (CLINTON): After the year I've had, this is a piece of cake, believe me.
GK: Think you can do it?
TR (CLINTON): Got that all worked out in my mind.
GK: What do you mean by "that"?
TR (CLINTON): Well, that's the question, isn't it. Depending on what you mean by "it"?
GK: So you're enjoying the Carnival, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Yes, I am. Very much. I feel that the St. Paul Winter Carnival is a time for all Americans, young and old, to take a moment to reflect on the importance of celebration - of coming together as a community and a nation and not getting all worked up over things that happened a long time ago.
GK: I see you're on skis, Mr. President, which leads me to ask, are you relieved that Monica Lewinsky is not going to testify before the U.S. Senate?
TR (CLINTON): I don't think we ought to go there -
GK: Speaking of "going there," how about Linda Tripp?
TR: I think that the American people want all of us to get back to the important business of having the Winter Carnival - (TR EFFORT, SKI SFX)
GK: And there the President goes, down the slope (SEMI HORN HONK, TRUCK PASSES) and right between two trucks and he's trying to (TRAIN WHISTLE, OFF) beat that fast freight train and he - he just makes it across the tracks and - out onto the river (PLANE OVERHEAD PASSING) and he reaches up for the tow rope and he's across the open water. Other than the fact that his pants fell off, it was a pretty good run. (TR OFF, FRENCH) And here we have a party of French visitors, putting on their skis and coming to the head of the slope. (TR HEROIC FRENCH) Viva la skiing to you, sir. And here comes a familiar face now - Ross Perot.
TR (PEROT): I tell you, it's cold enough to freeze the spheres off a sphinx. It's cold enough to freeze the orbs off of Roy Orbison.
GK: It's cold out, isn't it. What brings you up north, Mr. Perot?
TR (PEROT): Came up here to celebrate Groundhog Day.
GK: You like Groundhog Day?
TR (PEROT): Let me tell you. The groundhog is a short-legged, beady-eyed, buck-toothed ill-tempered rodent with bad hair who sticks his head out about once a year to see which way the wind is blowing, and yes, I think we can learn a lot from the groundhog.
GK: Did you know that a guy from your party, the Reform Party, got elected governor here?
TR (PEROT): Where?
GK: Here. Minnesota.
TR (PEROT): Minnesota! I thought this was Wisconsin.
GK: Mr. Perot, if this were Wisconsin, I wouldn't be talking this fast and if I were to use the subjunctive mood I'd probably stop and explain it.
TR (PEROT): You mean to tell me you got a Reform Party governor in Minnesota?
GK: Yeah.
TR (PEROT): They never tell me anything anymore. It's enough to freeze the globes off a glee club.
GK: You going down the ski run?
TR (PEROT): I believe I will now. (TR EFFORT AND OVER EDGE, SKIS)
GK: And there goes Ross Perot on skis across I-94 (SEMIS PASS, HORN) and down the long slope of Dayton's Bluff and across the railroad tracks (TRAIN APPROACH) just ahead of the northbound Empire Builder and onto the Mississippi and (PLANE GOES OVER) there is his tow plane now and he grabs the towrope and water skis across and up the other side.
TR (JULIA): A beautiful run. Splendid. Bravo. Bravo.
GK: Julia Child, you're here for Winter Carnival too -
TR (JULIA): Yes, I'm here for the Gopher Cooking Show -?
GK: The University of Minnesota is sponsoring a cooking show -
TR (JULIA): No, I'm demonstrating how to prepare gophers.
GK: The rodent itself.
TR (JULIA): Yes. Gopher au gratin. The braised shank of the animal with melted cheese, onions, green peppers, and marshmallows.
GK: Is it good?
TR (JULIA): It all depends on who you're with and what mood you're in. Au revoir! (TR EFFORT, OVER EDGE, SKIS)
GK: And there goes the French chef down the slope (SEMI PASSING) and across the freeway at a terrific rate of speed and (TRAIN) here comes the North Coast Limited and it's going to be very very close (TRAIN WHISTLE) but she makes it across and now she's down the last slope and onto the ice (PLANE OVERHEAD) and here is the tow plane and the rope is coming and she grabs hold and skis across the water - very good form, knees slightly bent, back extended, one hand in the air - and up the other shore she goes. (TR SWEDE APPROACHING) And here is another foreign tourist, a tall man with a long sad face (TR SWEDE) and he looks down the hill, a look of more or less cheerless resignation (TR SWEDE, AND EFFORT, AND SKI) and over the edge he goes and down the slope -
TR (MR. ROGERS): It looks as if I'm the next one in line, doesn't it. Yes it does.
GK: Mr. Rogers, good to have you here for the Winter Carnival.
TR (ROGERS): Winter Carnival is a very special time in Minneapolis, isn't it. Yes, it is. And do you know why it's a special day? Do you? No? Well, Mr. Rogers is going to tell you. It's a special day because Minneapolis is a neighborhood with many very special people in it. Yes, it is.
GK: Mr. Rogers -
TR (ROGERS): I'm speaking to the children now.
GK: I'm sorry, but we're not in Minneapolis now.
TR (ROGERS): I wasn't speaking to you, was I.
GK: No, but you're in St. Paul, Mr. Rogers.
TR (ROGERS): You should never interrupt Mr. Rogers, should you? No, you shouldn't.
GK: I'm sorry, sir.
TR (ROGERS): If Mr. Rogers says it's Minneapolis, it's Minneapolis.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR (ROGERS): Who was that lady who went down the hill a moment ago?
GK: That was Julia Child, Mr. Rogers.
TR (ROGERS): I thought she was very nice. Yes, I did. I thought she was very special. She gave Mr. Rogers a wonderful feeling that he hasn't had for a long time. No, he hasn't. Whoopee. (TR EFFORT, OVER EDGE, SKIS)
GK: We return you now to our program, in progress. (END OF AMBIENCE)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor