(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Tonight's show brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
It's been a terrible day at the office (TR: Oh boy.) The photocopier went crazy when somebody sat on it (COPIER PRINTING RAPIDLY, EJECTING COPIES) and it started shooting out pictures of a bare butt (SS: SHRIEK) which caused a secretary to pass out (SS: FAINT) and she collapsed onto your computer (TR: No! CRUNCH, SHORTING) and a month's worth of work - (CLICKING OF KEYS) it's gone. (TR GRIEF) And now you look down at your calendar and see you've got a dentist's appointment after work. (TR MORE GRIEF) You walk over to the dentist's office (TRAFFIC PASSING, HORN HONK) and there behind the counter (SEXY SAX) is the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. (SS: Hi, I'm Taffy. I'll be your hygienist today.) (TR SWOONS) Long blonde hair, limpid green eyes, and a 600-watt smile, the woman of your dreams standing beside you, next to a picture of Mr. Happy Tooth. (SS: How are you doing today? HEART THUMPING) She fastens the bib around your neck. She touches your cheek. (TR SIGH) She puts her fingers in your mouth. (TR SIGH) You thrill to the sound of her voice (SS: Spit, please.) And right then, you ask her out to dinner.
(TR, GARBLED: Ud oo ike oo oh ouw if ee?) And to your amazement, she says (SS: Yes. I'd love to. Spit.) (TR SPITS) (SS: How'd you like to come to my house for dinner?) (HEART POUND LOUDER)
You're stunned. (TR: Oh my gosh) And she gives you a free toothbrush. (SS: Here. I want you to have this.) You leave the office with dried drool on your collar and a song in your heart (TR: ITALIAN ARIA).
You buy a new suit (TK: Green plaid. Looks good on you, sir. TR: I'll take it!) and a shirt (TK: This maroon would look good with that.) and a tie (TK: This walleye tie is one of our most popular right now.) and you go to the barber for a haircut. But it's not your usual guy. (TR GEEZER MUTTER)
It's an old guy. And he's sort of shaky (BUZZ OF CLIPPER, SHAKY) and his hand slips and
(CLIPPER BUZZ) (TR GEEZER: Oh dear) and you leap up and look in the mirror (TR YELP OF ANGUISH) he's mowed a big bald strip right down the center of your scalp. (TR ANGUISH) Next door to the barber shop is Big Al's House of Hair. (TK JOWLY GUY: Lookin' for a rug, huh?) And he sells you a toupee made from genuine mousehair. (TK JOWLY GUY: Brad Pitt wears this one.) You try it on. (TR DUBIOUSNESS) In dim light, it's okay. (TR ANXIETY) You're supposed to be at Taffy's in twenty-six minutes So you buy it and he glues it on (TK JOWLY GUY: Here. SQUIRT) and you go to her house with a bouquet of flowers in hand (DOORBELL) and fear in your heart (TR ANXIOUS SIGH) and (DOOR OPEN) there she is. (SS: Hi. Come in. Cool hair.) She likes it. She actually likes it. (TR RELIEF) She pours you wine (POURING) and serves you hors d'oeuvres (TR MOUTH FULL: These are good.) and then she lights the hibachi (POOF) and starts to cook chunks of steak (CRACKLING) and suddenly you're falling in love. (TR DEEP SIGH) And then there's a noise at the back door. (SS: That must be Herman. TR: Herman!! What???? SS: My cat. TR: Oh.) She lets the cat in. (MEOW) (TR: Here, kitty, kitty.) (MEOW) Suddenly Herman leaps on top of your head. (CAT SCREECH) (TR ALARM) He grabs your toupee and wrestles it to the floor and kills it. (CAT FIGHT)
And then chewing on it, he chokes (CAT CHOKING) (SS: Take me to the vet!) You run out (FOOTSTEPS) and get in your car, and race to the vet's (CAR SPEEDING) and you run a red light and (HORN, BRAKES) you clip the front fender of a Mercedes (CRASH) and the driver, a personal injury attorney, suffers a neck injury and so does Herman (MEOW), and Taffy and the other driver sue you for 6.8 million dollars (TR PAIN) and by the time it's settled out of court, for six hundred thousand (TR ACUTE PAIN), which your insurance company does not cover (TR GASP) because you misdated the check for the premium (TR: I wrote 1998???) That's right. (TR WHIMPERS) I'm not sure you want to see this item in the paper or not.(TR GRIEF) That's Taffy there, and the attorney.
(TR: She's marrying him?) She's in love. (TR ABJECT MISERY)
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor