(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: New York is a city I know from the radio ... from all those great radio shows that I listened to as a kid - you people are too young to remember this, but I remember. Shows like this one ...
(URBAN HURRY THEME) GK: The story of Prince Igor of West 47th Street - brought to you by Celestial Corn Syrup.
TR: RUSSIAN GIBBERISH, SOULFUL
GK: The only child of Czar Nicholas to survive the Revolution, now a cabdriver in Manhattan, Prince Igor left behind the imperial glory of his past and to make a new life as a cabdriver.
TR: RUSSIAN GIBBERISH, DETERMINED SHOUTING AT ANOTHER CAR
GK: We loved those stories of the rich and mighty brought down - they satisfied us out there on the barren tundra, the wind whipping around our tiny frame house, Ma and Pa and Sis and I staying up late - eight, nine o'clock - listening to shows about New York life
(GAME SHOW THEME)
TR (ANNC): Live! from New York City! It's - BUY A WATCH! The game show where contestants walk the Sidewalk of Fortune and look at fourteen attache cases full of watches and decide which watch really keep's time! Johnny Olson - introduce our first contestant, please. (MUSIC FANFARE AND FADE ...)
GK: The only color and drama we had out there in the wheat and corn was what we found on the radio - imagining New York.
(THEME, HEARTWARMING)
TR (ANNC): Fighting a lonely battle for hygiene and order in the teeming metropolis, Sal Manella, Sanitation Man - making his lonely rounds with his partner Al at 5 a.m. as the city sleeps. (BANGING AND CLANGING)
TR (SAL): Make sure you hit em all, Al!
TK (AL): I'm getting them, Sal!
TR (SAL): Make sure you don't miss one. (BANGING)
TK (AL): Okay, take her up, Sal! (MOTOR REV, HYDRAULIC HOIST, CRUNCHING OF GARBAGE)
SS (OFF): Hey! Keep it down, wouldja? I'm trying to sleep!
TR (SAL): It's the vibrations that kill those microbes, lady! (MUSIC UP) They just don't understand, do they.
GK: Sitting in our tiny frame house, the snowdrifts to the second story, enjoying our cream of mushroom soup with croutons and chives in the flickering lantern light, we looked forward to shows that opened the window on to a life of romance such as we could barely imagine -
(PHONE RING, PICK UP)
SS (NYER): This is Judith Abramson, how may I help you? (MUSIC)
TR: THE DAYS OF JUDITH ABRAMSON - brought to you by Panther Water Varnish Remover ... strips away old paint instantly - Like a welcoming torch held high on the shore of life's tempestuous sea shines the dream of owning your own apartment. And the woman who holds that torch - real estate agent Judith Abramson. (MUSIC UP)
(FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, MAN LOOKING AROUND AT SMALL APARTMENT)
GK: I appreciate you bringing me to see this apartment, Miss Abramson -
SS: It just came on the market this morning. Go ahead, look in the closets.
GK: It's kind of small and dark, though -
SS: It's very cozy. Very restful. I think you'll like it.
GK: I was hoping for one with some kind of a view. This - I mean, all you can see is a wall and a roof and some chimneys.
SS: It's what we call a Parisian view, Mr. Forbes. It's very popular now.
GK: The walls - it really needs repainting.
SS: That's a patina. It takes years to get that. That's what makes these pre-war buildings so desirable. The paint has been stressed. It's a European look. It's very much in demand.
GK: The sink leaks.
SS: You'd want to replace that anyway.
GK: I don't know. Let me think about it.
SS: Don't take too long. These apartments are selling fast.
GK: I'll call you tonight.
SS: Sometimes they go in minutes.
GK: I'll call later.
(CELL PHONE RING)
SS: My cell phone. That could be the seller right now.
GK: I don't know. I just don't know. (CELL PHONE RING AND DRAMATIC MUSIC UP)
GK: Out there on the prairie, feeding our chickens, harvesting our fields, leading our simple lives of hard work and traditional values in our little frame house with the green plaid sofa and the hardware store calendar and a kitchenette table with plastic chairs, but listening to the radio made us feel sophisticated somehow -
(HOT JAZZ PIANO INTRO)
TR: Live from the With It Club on Manhattan's Fabulous West 47th Street, it's Spike Hopper and his Hog Leg Hoojie Band - playing music for those on the ball, on the beam, so - if you're switched on, tuned in ... if you're down with it, listen as Spike Hopper leads the band in a number called "Sharp & Solid & Dressed for the Dance" - (START OF HOT JAZZ TUNE, AND THEN FADE UNDER)
GK: Years later I learned that Spike Hopper's real name was Elmer Ruckle and that the With It Club was in Paramus, New Jersey, and yet the memories remain so vivid. All I need to do is close my eyes and I can hear those familiar theme songs again ... and remember how I listened to them while whittling a piece of birch to make a whistle or a top and how I dreamed of someday leading the glamorous life that they portrayed ...
(THEME)
GK: LARRY FACES LIFE ... the program that asks the question: Can a professional actor, trained to shine on stage and screen, find happiness as a waiter in a fish restaurant on Broadway? Brought to you by Goombah Brand Washday Detergent and Starring Sterling Haverford as Larry - (MUSIC FADES) (RESTAURANT AMBIENCE, LIGHT CLINKING OF GLASSES, SS OFF-MIKE TABLE CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
TR: Pardon me, ma'am, but - if you're going to make an eight o'clock curtain, I should take your order now -
TK: What was that fish special you mentioned?
TR: We have two, sir. The broiled haddock on a bed of basmati rice and -
SS: Wait!! (MUSIC STOP) Don't I know you from somewhere?
TR: Are you talking to me, ma'am?
SS: I know I've seen your face and heard your voice! But where?? You wouldn't happen to be in theatah, would you?
TR: Me? In theatah?
SS: You are, aren't you! Yes, of course. I can tell by your carriage, your diction, by the way you project yourself. I've seen you on stage.
TR: Perhaps at the Fingernail Playhouse -
SS: Yes, you were in the Sam Shepard play, "Four Drifters In A Motel Somewhere Near Omaha" -
TR: You saw that?
SS: You were the deranged alcoholic father, weren't you -
TR: Yes, ma'am.
SS: You were stupendous! fantastic! What are you doing, waiting on table? A person of your talent! It's a crime!
TK: Lulu, don't embarrass the man.
SS: You play the part of a waiter beautifully by the way.
TR: Thank you, ma'am.
SS: Perhaps you don't know me. I'm Lulu Lane. I produced "Goody Goody," "Stick To Your Knitting," "Not Now, Norman," and I want you for the part of Fred in my new production of "Funny Foot"-
TR: I'm sorry, I can't do it, ma'am.
SS: What?? I offer you fame and fabulous wealth -
TR: I have to make it on my own, ma'am. Doing plays that I believe in. Dark jagged plays in which the human heart is bared-the closet is opened-the character's underwear is revealed -
SS: You'll regret it, mister. You don't turn down Lulu Lane and get away with it. From now on, the word goes out in this town: you're yesterday's oyster, mister. Nobody is going to touch you.
TR: But that's not fair -
SS: Fair!! Did you say "fair"??? (CYNICAL LAUGHTER) "Fare" is what you pay on the subway, greenhorn. - Where is the manager? (MUSIC UP)
GK: Some of the great shows I remember from when I was a kid, growing up in a little frame house in the middle of an ocean of wheat, back when kids had to walk for miles to school oftentimes through blinding storms, back when the simple things meant more, when your parents couldn't afford to buy you toys and so you had to make do with some small stones and little blocks of wood and strips of tin and use your imagination, as we did listening to the radio back then in those golden days of my youth. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor