(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by MarDel, makers of CoNex. It's Thanksgiving weekend and I guess we assume that famous people have lots to be thankful for, what with enjoying fame and wealth and privilege and all, and having people to clean their bathrooms for them and iron their socks, but is that really true? Or do the famous suffer in ways that we maybe don't realize. Let's ask some of them. How about you, Mr. President? You feeling thankful this weekend?
TR (CLINTON): I am - feeling very very thankful to have this job that the American people elected me to do and grateful that we live in a country where people believe in putting bygones behind us and forgiving mistakes and moving ahead and looking toward the future and not toward the past.
GK: So you're looking forward to 1999, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): At this point, I'm looking forward to anything that comes along, frankly. I tell you, this past year I've had - it'd be hard not to improve on it.
GK: I guess so.
TR (CLINTON): It was like walking barefoot through a feedlot.
GK: It was that bad, huh?
TR (CLINTON): I spent more time with lawyers than I spent with my wife.
GK: Uh huh.
TR (CLINTON): And she is a lawyer herself.
GK: True.
TR (CLINTON): I hate to complain, but it just seems unfair that the only time in my life I tell a lie, I get nailed for it.
GK: The only time?
TR (CLINTON): That was the only time.
GK: I suppose it depends on what you mean by "lie," though, huh?
TR (CLINTON): That's exactly right.
GK: That's what I thought - Mr. Speaker, how about you? Kind of a hard year for you, too - the Republicans lose seats in the House, and you resign from Congress? Anything you're thankful for?
TR (GINGRICH): Well, yes, as a matter of fact there is - I am very grateful to be away from all of that cannibalism going on in the majority ... very glad to put that behind me.
GK: What are your plans now that you're no longer Speaker?
TR (GINGRICH): Well, as a matter of fact, I have applied for and have been accepted as a flight attendant on a major airline.
GK: A flight attendant. Really.
TR (GINGRICH): Well, to me, it's a form of public service, and a very important one, and I enjoy it very very much.
GK: So have you taken your first flight yet?
TR (GINGRICH): No, I'm still working on learning the safety announcements.
GK: About the oxygen mask and the seat belt and all of that.
TR (GINGRICH): I've been running a little long on that. About thirty-five minutes. Have to get that time down.
GK: Good luck to you, sir. How about you, Julia Child? You have a nice Thanksgiving?
TR (JULIA): Oh my. I had all my dearest friends over for a lovely baked ham braised in a divine rum and Grand Marnier sauce. We made a vat of martinis and whiled the hours away playing I forget what and singing ribald songs.
GK: Really? That was your Thanksgiving dinner?
TR (JULIA): No, dear. That was breakfast.
GK: All right. I get it now. President Bush - it was a pretty good Thanksgiving for you, I guess -
TR (BUSH): Well, yes, it was - two governors in the family now - Texas, of course, and that would be George Junior - doing a fine job - - and now Jeb is governor of that other big state, the one that's shaped like a you-know-what -
GK: Florida.
TR (BUSH): Florida ... exactly ... wonderful state ... wonderful people, and we think a great deal of him too ... both Bar and I do ... he's definitely one of our "Points of Light," you might say ... Florida - that's where Busch Gardens is, isn't it?
GK: Yes, it is.
TR (BUSH): Got to get down there sometime. Both Bar and I ... very important to us both ... the whole Bush thing and the whole Garden thing too - both in support of that whole thing.
GK: Good. Ted Koppel, how was your Thanksgiving?
TR (KOPPEL): Let me tell you frankly and honestly, and I say this not only as a journalist and a citizen but also as a man who has, on occasion, stuffed a turkey or two, that Thanksgiving, for me, and I believe for many others like me, as well as those who may feel that this is a self-serving comment, and to them I would say "If it is, so be it," is a holiday when, in a sense, if one can refer to sense in this context, and I believe that I just did, we - or at least many of us - those of us who observe this day - and I do, and I have - and now I seem to have forgotten what is the question.
GK: I forget. Bob Dylan, you had a good Thanksgiving?
TR (DYLAN): I was on the road for Thanksgiving.
GK: You were on tour?
TR (DYLAN): No, I was on the road to my mother's and then to my aunt's house and then we had to go to my girlfriend's brother's and then to my sister's -
GK: Okay, good. How about you, Bob Dole?
TR (DOLE): Thanksgiving was very good for Bob Dole.
GK: You had a good dinner.
TR (DOLE): The Red Cross came and we had turkey and everything.
GK: Okay. Good. Mr. Secretary, you had a good Thanksgiving?
TR (KISSINGER): I was back home in Bismarck, North Dakota, visiting my mother.
GK: You're from Bismarck, North Dakota? I thought you were from Germany.
TR (KISSINGER): I speak with a German accent but I am from North Dakota.
GK: I see.
TR (KISSINGER): Have you ever heard people from North Dakota and listened to how they talk?
GK: Yes, I have.
TR (KISSINGER): Well, if I talked like that, I never would have gotten into Harvard.
GK: I see.
TR (KISSINGER): And I'm very thankful that I got into Harvard.
GK: I can imagine. Mr. Rogers? You had a good Thanksgiving?
TR (MR. ROGERS): I had a very nice old fashioned Thanksgiving with a great many friends from the neighborhood. Yes, I did. And we had a very good time together. Did you have a good time for your Thanksgiving? Did you? That's good. I'm glad to hear that.
GK: Which friends from the neighborhood were you with, Mr. Rogers?
TR: That isn't any of your business, is it. No, it isn't.
GK: Were you with your puppets?
TR: I was with very good friends who didn't talk when it was Mr. Rogers' turn to talk. That's right. They sat very quietly and watched Mr. Rogers enjoy his Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, they did.
GK: Good. That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor