(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Tonight's show brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
It's Thanksgiving and you don't have a lot to be thankful for. (TR: Thank goodness I'm not the turkey. Or am I?) Your tyrannical boss, Ms. Kappelhoff (TR: Jahwohl, Madame Fuhrer. CLICK HEELS)
has asked if you'd mind looking after her cats while she goes skiing in Vermont. (SS: Would you mind? TR: No problem. SS: Are you sure?? TR: Fine. SS: And clean their litter boxes? TR: Can do. SS: And take them for walks? TR: My pleasure. SS: And water the plants? TR: Of course. SS: And feed the fish? TR: No problem. SS: Good. I appreciate it. You can get up off your knees now.)
And inside you're fuming (TR FUMING). It's Thanksgiving. You have guests coming. Your sullen brother is coming (TR: Hi) and his wife who keeps sending you books about animal rights and your uncle Sid (TK JOWLY MAN) and your angry nephew (TR SNARL) and your brother Al and his dog
(LARGE WOOF) and your uncle Bjorn (TR SWEDISH) and aunt Brunnilde (TK FEMALE SWEDISH),
and your cousin in the bright yellow sportcoat and the tie with the trout painted on it (TR: Hey! Va va va voom!), and uncle Art and his inappropriate girlfriend (SS BREATHY: Hi), and your weird neighbor
(TK: Hi there) and your ex-wife (SS: Hi. It's me. Doris. Remember?). You don't have time to think about Ms. Kappelhoff's cats. You have guests to feed. You're serving emu. (TR: Mashed potatoes, candied yams, pumpkin pie, cranberries and roast emu.) You ordered your emu, and a truck backed up to the garage. (TK: Where you want your emu, mister?) It was a big one. (TK: Bring her down! RATCHET OF PULLEY. TK: Little lower! little lower! CREAKING OF TABLE UNDER WEIGHT. TK: That's good.) (TR: That is some emu.) It's about the size of a compact car. And it was frozen.
(BWANG) And in the morning it's still frozen. (BWANG) (TR: Oh boy. TR PANIC) Your guests are coming in four hours. (TR PANIC, HURRY, RATTLE OF PANS) You get out a saw (SAWING) and that doesn't work so you try a chainsaw (START CHAINSAW AND REV) and you manage to cut off some big emu hunks and throw them in the oven (WHANG, WHANG, CLUNK) and turn it up to 400 (RATCHET DIAL) and toss a couple pounds of butter in too (TWO BIG SQUOSHES) and then you jump in your car (DOOR SLAM, CAR PULLS AWAY) and race over to Miss Kappelhoff's place on the 44th floor of La Pavilion Condeau (KEY IN DOOR, DOOR OPEN. CAT MEOWS) You puree a pound of calves liver (BLENDER) and dump it in their dish (SQUOOSHES OF FOOD, MEOWS) and you water the plants (WATER POURING) and feed the fish (BLOOPS) and clean the litter box (RAKING SAND) and then, you know you shouldn't, but you turn on her espresso machine (LOW HUM) and fix yourself a cup (BIG BLAST OF STEAM AND DRIPPING) and you glance through her mail (FLIPPING LETTERS, TR MURMURS OF CURIOSITY) and peer into her closet (DOOR OPEN. TR: Hmmmm. Lace teddies.) (FOOTSTEPS) You wander down the marble hallway into the master bath, and -
(TR: Whoaaa, Mama.) The biggest Jacuzzi in captivity. (TR: Wow.) All your life you've wanted to sit in a Jacuzzi. (TR: What the heck.) She'll be gone all day. She'll never know. So you run the bath and then you think (TR ALARM TAKE: My emu! FAST FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. CAR DOOR SLAM, PULL AWAY) You race home and (FAST FOOTSTEPS, TR PANTING) you open the oven
(CREAKING DOOR. TR INHALE: Hey -) and that emu is smelling pretty tasty. Time to stick in your frozen pumpkin pies (HUBCAP WAVER) (DOORBELL. TR HORROR) what in the world could that be? (MUFFLED VOICES, WOOF, ON OTHER SIDE OF DOOR) It's them. (TR: They're here!) Your guests. (DOORBELL)(TR: Noon!! I told them two o'clock!) They're all here. And the house is a mess.
(TR ANGUISH) What can you do? (DOOR OPEN. TR: Go drive around the block a few times! DOOR SLAM. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) You vacuum the living room (VACUUM) and throw your junk in a closet (TR EFFORT, TRASH CLATTER, DOOR SLAM) and you hook a garden hose up to the faucet and clean the bathroom (WATER FROM HOSE AT HIGH PRESSURE) and you lock the bedroom doors (SERIES OF QUICK LOCKS) and you spray room freshener (AEROSOL BLAST) everywhere, and they come back (DOORBELL. DOOR OPEN. TR EXHAUSTED: Happy Thanksgiving!) And in they come----(FOOTSTEPS) TR SULLEN: Hi TK JOWLY MAN TR SNARL LARGE WOOF TR SWEDISH TK FEMALE SWEDISH TR: Hey! Va va va voom! SS BREATHY: Hi TK: Hi there SS: When did you suddenly learn to cook? And into the living room they troupe and sit down and - (TR: Guess I'll just go check on dinner! FOOTSTEPS) And you open the oven (CREAKING DOOR) and (KONKS)
it's barely thawed out. (TR CONSTERNATION) You crank the oven up to 800 (RATCHET, JET COMBUSTION ROAR) and you break up the kitchen chairs (WOOD BREAKAGE) and hurl them into the oven along with bales of paper (TR EFFORT) and it's an inferno in there (ROAR OF FIRE) and you dash back to the living room (FAST FOOTSTEPS) and do what a host has to do. (TR: Who'd like to see my videos of the Grand Tetons?) And you put it in the VCR and soon your guests (SNORING CHORUS) are relaxing - and then you remember (TR GASP OF HORROR) The Jacuzzi. (TR: I left the water running!! FAST FOOTSTEPS. CAR DOOR SLAM. CAR PULLS AWAY) You race over to Le Pavilion and race up to Miss Kappelhoff's apartment and (FAST FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALL, TR: Outta my way. ALARMED MEOW. FOOTSTEPS STOP, TR PANTING. TUB BUBBLING) The tub is full to the brim and you turn off the water (FAUCETS) just as it starts to overflow and (TR: Oh boy. SIGH OF RELIEF) it sure looks good after this rough morning you've had. (TR: Oh maybe I'll climb in for just a minute.) And you take off your clothes and (DIVING BOARD SPRONG, DIVE INTO WATER)
you hop in and (TR SIGH OF PLEASURE, WATER LAPPING) you lie back in the tub and you relax
(TR SIGH) and - (OFF, LATCH CLICK) what was that? (TR: Huh?) was it the front door open? (TR: Oh, no! Madame Fuhrer!) How are you ever going to explain this? (TR ANXIETY) But you don't need to. (TK: Hands in the air!) It's a burglar. With a gun. (TK: Don't move or I shoot the rubber duck.) (TK MUTTERING, JINGLE OF JEWELS) He opens up Miss Kappelhoff's jewelry box and steals all her valuables, including her medal of honor from the Luftwaffe. (TK PLEASED MUTTERING) And he takes your pants. (TR: No! Please! My car keys.) (TK SNORT OF DERISION, FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
And he's gone. And there you are, naked, no car, nothing to wear - (TR GROAN OF HOPELESSNESS) in your boss's apartment. (TR: What can I do?) You do the only thing you can do.
(TR GROAN) You put on a clingy satin bathrobe with boa trim and pink bunny slippers and you go own the service elevator and you dash out the back door (FAST SLIPPER FOOTSTEPS) and you hitchhike (TRAFFIC ZOOMING PAST) and eventually you're picked up by a very strange person
(SS GUY: I'm alone for Thanksgiving too) and you get to your house and (DOOR OPEN, CLAMOR OF VOICES, CLATTER OF DISHES) everybody's at the table eating emu. (TR SULLEN: Not bad emu. TK JOWLY MAN APPROVAL TR SNARL: I love it. LARGE WOOF TR SWEDISH JOY TK FEMALE SWEDISH JOY TR: Hey! Beautiful! SS BREATHY: Exquisite. TK: I love emu. SS: When did you start wearing bunny slippers? (CHORUS OF HAPPY EATERS, CHEWING, UTENSILS, SERVING, ETC.)
It's the best Thanksgiving ever. There's nothing like a good long nap to relax people, and almost any dish tastes good if you put enough butter on it, and if people don't care for emu, there's always dessert to look forward to. (TR: Anybody care for pumpkin pie?) Wait - (TK JOWLY: That's not pumpkin. SS: That's rhubarb. TR SWEDISH RAPTURE (RHUBARB THEME)
No Thanksgiving can be truly thankful if rhubarb pie isn't part of it. Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie - it's the secret of the good life as we know it.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor