(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Tonight's show brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. (MUSIC)
You graduated in June with a B.A. in English and ever since you've been sending out your resume
(FOLD PAPER, PUT IN ENVELOPE) hundreds of them (LICK ENVELOPE) applying for jobs in marketing, communications - (TR: Oh please please please please please please please)
- and meanwhile you work as a clerk at a novelty shop, selling whoopee cushions (WHOOPEE SFX) and joy buzzers (BUZZ) and boxer shorts covered with valentines that say (TR: "Love Instructor. First Lesson Free") (SS: Oh, that's cute.) And then one day - (PHONE RING) it's the CromTech orporation - (TR: Tomorrow morning? Nine o'clock?? Of course.) They want you to interview for a job? (TR: Assistant vice president? Gosh!) The job of a lifetime. (TR: A great salary.) Great health and dental care benefits. (TR: At last, I can get my teeth cleaned by a trained professional.) So you set four alarms for six o'clock and somehow none of them go off (TR CRY OF ALARM) and it's eight-thirty (TR LOUDER CRY). You throw on some clothes and dash out the door (DOOR OPEN, SLAM, RUNNING FEET) and jump in your car (DOOR SLAM, CAR PULL AWAY WITH A SCREECH) and the freeway is all backed up (TR EXASPERATION) and you have to drive along the shoulder (HORNS HONKING, TR: Awww shuddup) and in the ditch (DISTANT HORNS, ENGINE REVS, TR: Come on, baby, come on) but you make it to CromTech building and (RUNNING FEET, TR PANTING) the first one is full but you squeeze on (TR: Excuse me. SS & TK GASPING. SQUEEZING. TR: Excuse me.)
and up you go to the 20th floor. (TR: Hi, I'm here for my appointment with Mr. Williger. I'm sorry I'm late. I - my cat died.) (SS: You're not late, you're a half hour early.) (TR: Oh. Right.) You sit down on a big beautiful white sofa, and - (SS: Coffee, sir?) - and you know you should say no, but - (TR: Thanks.) and a moment later (SPLASH. TR CRY OF ALARM. CHINA BREAKAGE) and there is a coffee stain the size of New Hampshire (TR SHUDDER OF EMBARRASSMENT). Quickly, you turn the cushion over (TR SIGH OF RELIEF) only to look down and (TR SHUDDER) see a coffee stain on your pants. In a bad place. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) You dash down the hall to the bathroom (DOOR SLAM, FOOTSTEPS) and you wet a paper towel (TAP WATER) and rub out the stain (TR ANXIETY) and you take off your pants so you can hold them under the dryer (DRYER) and it's not working and you decide to shake them (TR: Hey - the sun is shining) - you open the window (WINDOW OPEN) and you lean out and shake your pants (FLAPPING) and somehow you lose your grip (TR: ALARM) and down they go twenty stories to a courtyard and fall on a guy in a blue suit
(DISTANT CRY OF PROTEST) and just then (DOOR OPEN) someone comes in the men's room -
(QUICK FOOTSTEPS) you slip into a stall (DOOR CLOSE) and stand there waiting (TR BREATHING, ANXIETY) and the other guy stands there, not moving, and you sense that he is looking at your bare ankles and you feel that you ought to explain - (TR: Uh - my pants fell out the window.) And (FOOTSTEPS) away he goes and you think - (TR: Maybe I could take my shirt and sort of make it into a pair of pants and then - ) and just then (DOOR FLUNG OPEN. TK: Okay, mister. Security. Come on out.) and you step out - (TR: I can explain.) and you look down and - it's your novelty boxer shorts. (TK: "Love Instructor, First Lesson Free." Interesting.) And the receptionist comes in. (SS: He spilled coffee on the sofa, too. At least, I hope it's coffee. Euuuu!)
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor