(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the busy streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye -
(PIANO)
GK: It was Halloween and I was sitting at my desk looking through some old clippings from big cases I'd solved back in the seventies and I was just about to get up and put on my overcoat and head out, when ... (KNOCKS) Yeah? Who's there? (KNOCKS) (SLOW FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) I said, Who's there? (SERIES OF LOCKS UNLOCKED) I was just about to open the door and then I put my ear to it - (BREATHING) I heard someone on the other side - I'll be right there! (TIPTOE FOOTSTEPS) (CREAK OF WINDOW OPENING) I opened my office window and (GK EFFORT, RATTLE OF VENETIAN BLINDS) I climbed up on the sill and (TRAFFIC AMBIANCE FAR BELOW) stepped out on the ledge. (SLIDING FOOTSTEPS, VERY SLOW) And I pressed up against the building and I inched slowly toward the next window, about fifteen feet away. In the dark, I could see that the ledge narrows, from eight inches to four. I pressed close to the cold bricks, not daring to look down. I was coming closer ... closer ... the window was only inches from my fingers ... and then my right foot hit a pigeon ... (PIGEON FLURRY, FOOT SLIP, GK INTAKE OF BREATH, FINGERNAILS ON BRICK WALL) and I looked down and saw the street a hundred feet straight down and then the street started to turn and I was falling and - I grabbed hold of the flag and held on and (RIPS, IN TWELVE SHORT BURSTS) it ripped right down to the thirteenth stripe and that held long enough for me to (GK EFFORT) swing my legs over and (CRASH OF GLASS) bust the window and (GK EFFORT, CRUNCH) crawl through it and (WEIGHT LANDING ON FLOOR) jump into the hallway and there -
SS (LITTLE GIRL, SNIFFLY): Hi Mister. Trick or treats, money or eats.
GK: You lost, kid? This is an office building.
SS (LITTLE GIRL): I don't like to miss anybody.
GK: We don't do Halloween up here, kiddo.
SS (LITTLE GIRL): You do now. Otherwise I'll scream so loud I'll make all the wallpaper come off.
GK: Here. Here's a buck.
SS (LITTLE GIRL): For coming up to the twelfth floor, I get a dollar?
GK: Here's a five. (HE SNAPS A BILL) Beat it. (CHILD FOOTSTEPS AWAY) So now I was locked out of my office. (JIGGLES HANDLE, DOOR LOCKED) I didn't care to try the ledge again, so - (GUNSHOTS, RICOCHET) I put a couple slugs in the lock and one of them (GK SPITS) - one of them ricocheted and hit me in the mouth and (GK SPITS) - knocked out a tooth. I happened to remember that there was a dentist on the eleventh floor. (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS) So I walked down a flight of stairs and - (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE) walked in.
SS: Yes?
GK: Is the dentist in?
SS: Yes. He is. (SLIGHTLY OMINOUS CHORDS)
GK: There was something strange about the receptionist. Her eyes - they were cobalt blue. And there were no pupils. (DEEP OMINOUS CHORD) In the middle of her eyes, where the pupil would be, there were deep holes. (DEEPER OMINOUS CHORD)
SS: He's waiting for you. All the way to the end of the hall. The last door on your left.
GK: Thanks.
SS: No problem.
GK: What's the dentist's name, by the way? I forget.
SS: Lothar.
GK: Lothar?
SS: Vlad Lothar.
GK: I see. (MUSIC UNDER ... FOOTSTEPS) I couldn't help but notice that in the hallway, where other dentists might hang pictures of woodland scenes, Dr. Lothar had photographs of a distant galaxy and of a planet in that galaxy, a planet that was cobalt blue. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Dr. Lothar?
TR: Yes? (OMINOUS CHORD)
GK: He stood with his back to me and he was holding a skull in his hand.
TR: What is it?
GK: I have a broken tooth, Dr. Lothar.
TR: Oh? Let's have a look? (OMINOUS MUSIC UNDER ...)
GK: He turned toward me and I looked into his brilliant blue eyes.
TR: Have a seat, Mr. Noir. (CHORD)
GK: How did you know my name, Dr. Lothar? I had no appointment.
TR: You have a name sticker on your chest.
GK: Oh. Right. Yes. I was at a convention last week.
TR: Sit down. (TWO FOOTSTEPS, HE SITS DOWN) Put your head back, Mr. Noir. Relax. (WHIR OF CHAIR BEING LOWERED) Now - which tooth did you break?
GK: I have the strangest feeling that we've met before.
TR: I don't believe so.
GK: I think so, but I can't remember where.
TR: Open wide. (GK OPEN MOUTH) Aha. The tooth was chipped by a ricochet bullet. Open wider. (GK OPEN WIDE) Good. (CLINK OF TOOLS) (SLIGHT OMINOUS MUSIC UNDER......)
TR (REVERB): Didn't recognize me, did you, Mr. Noir. The guy you almost put behind bars ten years ago. But I got away. And I vowed I'd get even. And now it's my turn.
GK (OPEN MOUTH): How does it look?
TR: I'm going to have to drill.
GK: A chipped tooth?
TR: I need to smooth it off. Open up.
GK (OPEN MOUTH): How about some Novocain?
TR: I don't think we'll need it.
GK (OPEN MOUTH): I'm extremely sensitive to pain. I only appear to be brave. I'm not.
TR: This won't take long. (HANDCUFFS)
GK (OPEN MOUTH): Why are you handcuffing me to the chair?
TR: Why do you think, Noir? (HE LAUGHS, EVILLY) Just relax. (DRILL) (GK STRUGGLE)
(MUSIC UNDER ... DRILLING)
GK: The dentist climbed up on top of me, his cobalt-blue eyes looking right through me, the drill in his right hand, and it wasn't my chipped tooth he was aiming for, his drill was pointed toward my left eye - (DRILLING INTO HIGHER PITCH)
TR: I'm going to drill into your brain, Mr. Noir. I'm going to make you mine. One of the blue-eyed people. (DRILLING AT HIGHER PITCH)
(LOW SAVAGE THROBBING MUSIC, SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE)
GK: I managed to push him away with my foot. (GK EFFORT, TR OOFFF) And I leaped out of the chair. (CLATTER OF INSTRUMENTS, BREAKAGE OF GLASS) I went to the door. (THREE QUICK FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
SS: Hi.
GK: The receptionist stood in the doorway.
SS: Recognize this?
GK: She held a gigantic needle in her hand. (HIGH-PITCHING BOINGNGNGNG OF VERY FINE METALLIC POINT)
SS: There's enough Novocain in here to keep you numb until spring.
TR: And by spring, you won't be in need of Novocain, Mr. Noir. (SS & TR LAUGH CONSPIRATORIALLY)
SS: You'll be on your way to the planet Ballarat. In the Creon galaxy.
TR: You'll be traveling aboard Cospar, with the femors and klephts.
SS: I'm a klepht, Mr. Noir. I'm in the service of Morfar.
GK: Morfar. I've heard of him.
TR: Everyone's heard of Morfar.
GK: The maker of plagues and hurricanes, the one who causes hard-drive malfunction, the force that has frustrated the Minnesota Vikings.
SS: Morfar rules.
TR: And as soon as I drill into your eyeballs and inject your brain with the dark serum that will crystallize your thinking ---- you will serve Morfar too.
GK: Never, Lothar. (A SUDDEN BURST OF VIOLENCE. SS CRY OF ALARM. TR SAVAGE SHOUT. CRASH OF METALLIC OBJECTS. GLASS BREAKAGE. FAST FOOTWORK.) I shoved her aside and tried to open the door, but she was too strong for me. (SS EFFORT. WHACK. GK OOFFF) I pulled my gun (STRUGGLE) and Lothar whipped out his laser drill and (LASER) melted it right out of my hand (GK REACT) and then he was after me, with the drill (DRILL) I grabbed his hand, but he forced me back ... back to the window ... which was open ... I got up on the ledge ... (DRILL) he came after me ... we grappled there, high above the street (STRUGGLE) and I was losing my footing on the narrow ledge and then he lunged (LUNGE WITH DRILL) and he fell (FALLING MAN) and when he did, the receptionist slammed the window (CLANK) and there I was (TRAFFIC) on a ledge four inches wide, a slippery ledge thanks to the pigeons. (PIGEON)
TR (JIMMY): Wow. What happened then, Guy?
GK: What happened when, Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): How'd you get off that narrow ledge, Guy?
GK: Very carefully, Jimmy. Very carefully. And then I came down here.
TR (JIMMY): Gosh. Sounds like you practically saved western civilization one-handed there, Guy.
GK: Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
TR (JIMMY): What happened to the receptionist? The one with the holes in her eyes?
SS: Right here, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Wow. What a looker.
SS: Guy saved my life.
GK: I only did what I had to do, Sandy.
TR (JIMMY): So you're not from outer space?
SS: I'm from Duluth. I came to the big city looking for excitement and I was taken over by this alien dentist. It happens to a lot of young women.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get you, Guy?
GK: I'll have a vodka martini, Jimmy. Straight up with a string bean.
TR: Coming right up. - How about you, Miss?
SS: The same for me.
TR (JIMMY): (ASIDE) Hey, Guy-you got some stuff on your shoe-looks like you been around pigeons.
GK: Thanks, Jimmy. Appreciate it.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor