(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
Well return right after a word from the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS)
SS: Hi. Supermodel Cynthia Maxwell here, with a tip for women like me who must be devastatingly beautiful at all times or else perish of embarrassment. Fashion is, like, it's not forever, you know? sometimes you get your look together and you're out there in public, at the gallery opening, you and four or five hundred other downtown people packed into a room the size of a dumpster and looking at art made from motor oil and ground glass and every other woman in the room is either devastatingly beautiful or else fabulously ugly, and suddenly - it's like a shadow passes over - suddenly you realize that this white eyeshadow, this black lipstick, this torn blouse, this plastic skirt - wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! - and you've got nothing to change into and you're in a crowd and people are giving you that look - that look that says, "Oh boy. Where'd she come from? Sioux Falls?" - and that's when I'm so grateful to have black duct tape in my purse - I just crouch down and rip off my clothes (RIP, RIP, RIP) and wrap duct tape around my body (SWIFT PASSES WITH TAPE, SUGGESTING CIRCULAR MOTION) and then I put a strip over my eyes and (RIP OF TAPE) - off comes the eyeshadow and now you have the look of bruised fragility that's always in - color your hair mauve (SPRAY), stick a shrimp up your nose (SQUISH), and one in your ear (SQUISH) - there - awesome. Thanks, duct tape.
GK: Thank you, Cynthia Maxwell. Duct tape. It's almost just about the only thing you need sometimes, duct tape. (DUCKS) A message from the American Duct Tape Council.
CHENILLES: When you need to stick together You can't do better than - DUCT TAPE.
TR: Not recommended for use on heating or air conditioning ductwork. (BUTTON)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor