(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Today is our ceremonial harvest show, when we celebrate the goodness of life, and so we like to make this show a little better than other shows, and go all out, and today we're going to throw one hundred guys from middle management off the railroad trestle into the Mississippi River - as a sort of sacrifice to the gods of fertility - and I believe that we are ready to do that right now (OUTDOOR, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE) - is that right? Sue, are you there on the bridge?
SS (HAND HELD MIC, SOME MIC NOISE): -rect, Carson, this is Sue Scott, I'm here along with a hundred men in grey suits, and they're all ready to go.
GK: This is something we do every year, Sue.
SS: That's right.
GK: Throw guys off the bridge, as a way of giving thanks for the life we receive from the new harvest. It's sort of a life-death motif type of thing. I think it comes from the Mayans or Incas or something.
SS: That's correct.
GK: The Mayans discovered that when you killed off a certain number of people in management every year, productivity shot up. How would you describe the mood among our human sacrifices, Sue? Are they feeling good? Or what?
SS: I would say the mood is one of resignation.
GK: I see. Have there been any protests about what we're about to do, Sue?
SS: No, none at all.
GK: Nothing from church groups or peace organizations?
SS: No.
GK: The families of these men didn't complain?
SS: No. The state Pollution Control Agency thought that a hundred guys in grey suits landing in the Mississippi might have an adverse affect on the carp population, but they studied it and they think it'll be okay.
GK: I see. These are all management people, I take it.
SS: These are department heads, directors, managers, assistant managers, and we have about twenty vice-presidents.
GK: Ahhhhh. That's good. Anybody from Minnesota Public Radio?
SS: No -
GK: Oh. How were these guys chosen?
SS: The use of buzzwords was the determining factor in the selection process.
GK: That was the main criteria?
SS: The buzzword content, yes. Or buzzword agenda. It was how they interacted. You know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to recognize buzzwords, it's a no-brainer, and arguably, these guys at the end of the day had the lowest signal-to-noise ratio of anybody in their organizations. Whatever the buzzword, these guys had been there, done that.
GK: Maybe their plates were too full. Maybe they felt empowered by buzzwords.
SS: Whatever. The proactive solution is to administer tough love, and put these guys on a glide path toward the bottom line and after they impact the water we can get the healing process started and have some quality time.
GK: You don't think that throwing them off the bridge may be too simplistic?
SS: It's pushing the envelope but I think it's the only way to humanize the workplace.
GK: How are you going to decide who goes over the side?
SS: We have several criteria for that ...(TRAIN WHISTLE) Oh oh.
GK: Sounds like there's a reality check approaching.
SS: This is Sue Scott, diving off the bridge. (TRAIN PASSES) (MUSICAL BUTTON)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor