(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those beautiful days in October that comes along and breaks your heart. The trees were so gorgeous, it made you think of all the women who ever said no, they were busy that night. I was thinking maybe I oughta lock up the office and go for a walk, and then I remembered how much I hate walks. You always run into people you'd rather not have to stand around and talk to for fifteen minutes. In a car, you don't have that problem.
SFX: PHONE & PICK UP
GK: Yeah? Guy Noir here.
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? This is Al Ziegler from the American Driveway Foundation.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: You may have read about us in the paper. We're the ones who got the provision in the Omnibus Appropriations Bill for 90 percent federal funding for driveways.
GK: Congratulations.
TR: Thanks. But that's not why I called.
GK: No?
TR: Mr. Noir, I'm in town from Chicago and I have a very important meeting in twenty minutes at which I'm supposed to deliver a speech on the role of the driveway in strengthening the family.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: I mean, many families were started in driveways.
GK: I'm sure that's true.
TR: I'm calling on my car phone, Mr. Noir. I'm in a rental car.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: I'm looking for the hotel where I'm supposed to give the speech. The Hotel Transom.
GK: Aha.
TR: I don't know where I am right now.
GK: The Hotel Transom is here in St. Paul.
TR: I know. Maybe I'm in Minneapolis.
GK: If you're lost, Mr. Ziegler, chances are nine out of ten you're in St. Paul. Minneapolis is all numerical. Let me ask you this. Are you in a neighborhood with Army surplus and auto parts stores and a barbershop called Jim's or Larry's and the kind of taverns that advertise football on a big screen and Happy Hour?
TR: No, I'm in a neighborhood with two bookstores, six different kinds of coffee shops, a hair stylist called The Mane Attraction, and an English pub that advertises a large selection of micro-brews.
GK: Sounds like Grand Avenue. You see any college students?
TR: No, mostly people in their fifties and sixties.
GK: Then it's Highland Park. You want to head east -
TR: Could you quick send me a map on my car fax?
GK: I don't have a fax machine here, Mr. Ziegler.
TR: You don't?
GK: I still send telegrams.
TR: Unbelievable.
GK: If you tell me which intersection you're at, I could have a Western Union boy run over there. It may take awhile though. Most of those Western Union boys are in their seventies and eighties. Just come east and look for the building with the number 1 on top - the Hotel Transom is a couple blocks east of there.
TR: Good. Okay. Thanks. HEY - WHAT ARE YOU (HORN, SCREECH OF TIRES, CRASH)
GK: Hello? hello? (HANG UP) Guess we lost him. (MUSIC UNDER) I locked up the office and headed around the corner to the Five Spot and I was about to go in and a little breeze came along and it smelled so sweet if you coulda put it in a bottle you'd be a rich man. (TRAFFIC AMBIANCE) I walked over toward the Mississippi (FOOTSTEPS) and the trees along the bluff were blazing red and orange...(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP----)
SS: Guy? Guy Noir?
GK: Yeah?
SS: It's me. Sharon. Remember? From Business School? (SAXOPHONE UNDER....)
GK: Sharon Stone. Not that one but another one. We attended the Acme Business College together. She was a stenography major. She was so ugly, guys wouldn't date her except after dark. Except this one pathetic loser who kept asking her out. And she kept telling me no. I never got over it. And here she was, in a black Armani outfit, looking absolutely fabulous, walking a wolfhound. (WOOF)
SS: Hush, Julio. - I just stopped in town to walk my dog. I live in Santa Monica now.
GK: Aha. Nice to see you. You look great.
SS: You're looking good, Guy.
GK: Thanks. (MUSIC) She looked better than good. Way better. It was unbelievable that the mousy girl I knew had turned into this breathtaking beauty. And there at the curb was her car, a silver Jaguar, a car that cost more money than I earn in a year. But then that's true of most cars.
SS: You like the car?
GK: It's gorgeous. Like you, Sharon. Must've set you back a few bucks.
SS: Well, I've done well for myself, Guy. I moved to California and started a little shop called Smoothie World. Sold fruit drinks to yuppies. Pretty soon I had a chain of four hundred. Bought myself a beach house in Santa Monica. A weekend retreat in Santa Barbara. A summer house in Santa Fe. How about you?
GK: Me?
SS: I take it you're living here.
GK: In a one-room walkup. With a summer place on the roof.
SS: You in business for yourself?
GK: You could say that, yes. I'm a private eye, Sharon. A gumshoe. A shamus. I like to think of myself as the Hercule Poirot of the prairie.
SS: Interesting. I was thinking of hiring a private eye.
GK: Oh? What for?
SS: Do you find husbands?
GK: Sure. Of course.
SS: Well, that's what I wanted one for.
GK: Where'd you last see your husband?
SS: I don't have a husband. I want you to find me one, Guy.
GK: A beautiful woman like you?
SS: I had one once. But he broke my heart. So I threw myself into smoothies.
GK: Look, Sharon - I'm a private eye. I'm not a matchmaker.
SS: I'll pay you a thousand a day, plus expenses.
GK: You want one with blonde hair or brown?
SS: It doesn't matter, as long as he's not a vegetarian mantra-chanting exercise freak. I want just a regular guy. A guy who likes dogs. (DOG WOOF)
GK: He's a great dog. Did I forget to say that? (DOG GROWL) A good watch dog, too. (MUSIC BRIDGE) I told her I'd give it some thought and to meet me at the Five Spot in twenty minutes.
(MUSIC BRIDGE, DOOR OPENS, JINGLES. CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hey, guy. How's it goin?
GK: Not so bad, Jimmy. How's yourself?
TR: Oh, I can't complain. What'll it be, Guy? the usual?
GK: Naw. I've been having too much of the usual. I need something new in my life. How about a Shirley Temple. And throw some vodka in it, will you?
TR: You got it. One energized Shirley Temple coming right up.
GK: Say, Jimmy. Do you happen to know any eligible men?
TR: Gee, Guy. I never knew you were that kind of fellow.
GK: It's not for me.
TR: Have you told your folks? Will you be moving to San Francisco?
GK: You don't understand.
TR: I just want you to know that you're always welcome here at the Five Spot, no matter what your orientation.
GK: Jimmy, I'm not gay.
TR: I'd rather you'd wear a shirt and trousers, but hey, if the spirit moves -
GK: I'm not gay, Jimmy.
TR: Oh. Too bad. I was hoping you could help me redecorate my apartment.
GK: I'm trying to find a husband for a woman I know. So do you know anybody?
TR: As a matter of fact, I do.
GK: That's great.
TR: Brad is a wonderful guy. Tall, sensitive. And he's a vegetarian too.
GK: No. No vegetarians.
TR: Well, there's Brent, you've met him, the aerobics instructor.
GK: Nope. It won't work.
TR: Well, here's your Shirley Temple.
GK: Thanks. (ICE IN DRINK)
TR: I've got a friend who runs a dating service. Called Miracle Video Dating. Their motto is: "If it's a good date, it's a Miracle." (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: When Sharon came in, I was on my second Shirley Temple. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, FOOTSTEPS, WOOF) She looked so fabulous in her black outfit, her shades, her designer shoes.
SS: Hi, Guy.
GK: Sharon, I don't think I'm going to be able to find you a husband.
SS: Was I being too choosy when I said I wanted just a regular guy?
GK: No, it's not that. The thing is, I'm in love with you myself, even though when I asked you out years ago at the Acme Business College, you said, No, you were too busy, and it looks like you're even busier now. If I were to find another guy for you, I'd be so jealous, I'd probably have to shoot him. So what about me? (PAUSE)
SS: I like you, Guy. (PAUSE) It's not that I don't find you attractive, Guy.
GK: What is it, Sharon?
SS: It's nothing.
GK: You don't love me, do you?
SS: It's not that I don't love you.
TR: You need another Shirley Temple, Guy?
GK: There aren't enough Shirley Temples in the whole world to help a guy like me, Jimmy.
SS: I do love you, Guy. I'm just not sure that you love me.
GK: Me? Not love you? I'm nuts about you, Sharon.
SS: You are?
GK: Absolutely.
(DOOR OPENS, JINGLE, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, LIMPING)
TR (ZIEGLER): Hey, Noir - I'm Al Ziegler. The driveway guy. Still lookin' for the Hotel Transom.
GK: It's down that way. About six blocks.
SS: Al? Is that you?
TR: Sharon?
SS: Al?
TR: Oh, Sharon.
SS: Al!
GK: You two know each other?
SS: My first husband.
TR: I never forgot you, Sharon.
GK: Well, good for you, you guys.
SS: I'm sorry, Guy. I love him. That's all. Even if he is in driveways.
GK: Hey, that's fine. I'm from St. Paul, from Minnesota. We're used to having our hearts broken. It happens all the time.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor