(DOUR MARCH)
GK: 1999 may be impeachment year in America, during which the House of Representatives and then the Senate will plow slowly through the same material, the same story, the same cast of characters we've been reading and hearing about, for the past year, and that means maybe it's time to consider moving to Sweden. (NIKOLINA)
TR: OFFICIAL SWEDISH ANNOUNCE
GK: Welcome to Sweden. "Are you carrying any lingonberries?" asks the friendly agent, as he waves you through customs. Soon (BUS PULLS AWAY) the colorful blue and yellow bus brings you into the heart of Stockholm (TRAFFIC), where even at three o'clock in the afternoon, the sun has set and (CLINK OF GLASSES) the cocktail hour has begun (SWEDISH VOICES). Often stereotyped as grim stoics (BITTER SWEDISH), actually Swedes are an adventurous fun-loving people who enjoy cross-country skiing (TR MERRY SWEDISH IN PASSING, SKIS) and spend the long winter nights drinking mulled wine, and feasting at the legendary smorgasbord (TR SWEDISH, STUDYING AN ARRAY OF FOOD), heaping up their plates with pickled eel, rancid fish, and a cheese so strong it actually has little wiggly lines coming up from it (TR APPRECIATIVE SWEDISH), and after many helpings (TR BELCH), it's time to pick up the fiddle and play a polka. (JOHAN PA SNIPPEN) Or tell an authentic folk tale about trolls and elves (TR CHILDREN-STORY SWEDISH). Sweden is a relaxed culture, where many people remain seated for most of the year - they're known as Lapps - and why not sit? Sweden is a welfare state where everyone receives a large monthly stipend from the state -
TR OFFICIAL SWEDISH, COUNTING
SS: Oh wow. Look at all those kroner. And a free medical card.
TK: And my school is wonderful, Mom.
GK: Yes, your children will go to excellent schools, you'll get the best medical care for free, and you'll never have to worry about crime.
SS: Perfect. What about the impeachment hearings?
GK: The Swedes have gotten the impression that the President is in trouble for playing his harmonica while on a trip with someone named Linda. In the past six months, Swedish television has devoted two minutes and fourteen seconds total to the entire story. You'll hear more about gravlax than you'll hear about impeachment.
SS: Wonderful. But what will I do for a living?
GK: You'll teach English. Swedes are anxious to learn American slang.
SS: That is like totally awesome.
TR (SWEDISH ACCENT): That is like totally awesome.
SS: I mean, for cool.
TR (ACCENT): I mean, for cool.
GK: And that's because Swedes love American culture -
TR (SWEDISH): A hot dog, please, with a side of herring.
GK: Often portrayed in Bergman movies as people who look out the window at the rain and then say something bitter about life (TR SOFT BITTER SWEDISH), Swedes are a light-hearted people (HAPPY SWEDISH) Christmas in Sweden lasts for weeks - endless feasting, more mulled wine (BAND: NU ER DET JUL IGEN), dancing around the Christmas tree, presents.
SS: Wow. Thermal underwear! I mean, for cool.
TR (SWEDISH ACCENT): Yeah. For cool.
SS: Cool.
TR (SWEDISH): Cool.
GK: Safe streets, good schools, generous welfare benefits, they love Americans, no impeachment hearings. That's Sweden.
SS: Are taxes high?
GK: No impeachment hearings all year. In Sweden.
TR OFFICIAL FRIENDLY SWEDISH
GK: Welcome to a land where people know how to enjoy life. (MUSIC UP) Sweden.
TR (CLINTON): I am really looking forward to my visit to Sweden in December. I may stay until spring.
GK: You'll enjoy it too. Isn't it time you made the switch to Sweden? (MUSIC BUTTON)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor