(MUSIC UNDER)
GK: I'm older than you folks and that's why you have to listen to me when I say that a positive attitude does so much. If you just smile, it helps get you through the rough spots......
You've got to look for the silver liningGK: I believe this, even after a woman in Chicago sent me a snapshot of me that she took after a concert Labor Day weekend, and all I can say is, it wasn't a picture you'd send out with your publicity kit. There's a fatuous look on my face - an emptiness in the eyes that makes you think, "That guy, either he's been on drugs or else he's not on drugs and he needs to be." One more reason why I'm lucky this is a radio show.
Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue
SS: You weren't considering doing this show on TV -
GK: No, I wasn't.
SS: That's good.
GK: I mean, not really, of course, if something came up.
SS: Have you considered drugs as an option?
GK: No, of course not.
SS: They have some new ones that I understand can take a saggy guy like you and perk you right up.
GK: Oh?
SS: My brother-in-law is a shrink. He pushes pills. Here's his phone number. (MUSICAL TIME CHANGE BRIDGE)
TR: It's called VirilMax, Mr. Wyler. Let me explain it to you: due to metabolitic vasodilation in the intracerebral hemisphere a process of vasoactive oxidative deanimation may set in, causing peak plasma concentrations that hematize the nonselective type A inhibitors that impair the peptides in your nerve endings. That's what makes you feel crummy. VirilMax can reverse that. Do you follow me?
GK: Yes, of course, Doctor. Are there side effects?
TR: Yes, a few. Nothing life-threatening. The main one is stupidity. They elevate your mood and depress your IQ.
GK: I see.
TR: Which would be not so noticeable in certain cases, of course. Depending ...
GK: Of course. Well, I guess a person just has to hope for the best....
A heart filled with joy and gladnessGK: It may come as a surprise to you, but I've heard from some TV people.
Can always banish sadness and strife ...
SS: Recently?
GK: A few years ago. They were very interested. They came out and saw the show.
SS: Producers?
GK: Associate producers. They loved it.
SS: And they never called back?
GK: Maybe I was supposed to call them -
SS: You want to know the truth?
GK: I don't know.
SS: Your demographics are all wrong for television.
GK: They are?
SS: Television is interested in 25-year-old single people earning $50,000 a year who have six credit cards and want to have ten more.
GK: That's not this audience?
SS: The average public radio listener, Carson, is a 48-year-old woman in a grey wool sweater and brown oxfords who has Marimekko prints on the walls and a hi-fi and 400 LPs and drives a 1970 Volvo named Joan Baez.
GK: I didn't know that.
SS: She's not a great customer. If you're looking at TV, you've got to get rid of her.
GK: But how?
SS: Change the sound of the show. Less choir music, less four-part harmony, less stuff in the key of C major -
GK: Really?
SS: You need more groups like the Love Shovels.
GK: Oh no. (LOVE SHOVEL GUITAR)
TR & SS: I hate your sweater, I hate your shoes
I hate brown oxfords. I hate you.
I hate LPs and I hate hi-fis.
I hate your Volvo. I hope it dies.
(MUSIC FADES UNDER....)
GK: It's just not my kind of music. It's so dark. So angry. I feel that ...
A heart filled with joy and gladnessGK: And that day I got a letter from the American Association of Retired People. "Dear Pre-Senior Citizen -" (RIPS PAPER TO SHREDS)
Can always banish sadness and strife -
So always look for the silver lining -
SS: Hey - maybe they were offering you a discount on Stair Glides -
GK: I don't need it. I'm not ready to be filed away as a back number. I cling to a positive self-image of a slim, elegant, tanned man in a tuxedo, a man with a physical grace envied by hundreds ... (LITTLE SOFT SHOE) -
GK: And then one night on TV, I saw Bob Dole, who's older than I, and who looks darn good in spandex. Better than I do. He was doing an infomercial for exercise equipment guaranteed to give you a rock-hard abdomen in seven days.
TR (DOLE, ON TV): Pretty nifty. They call it the Abdominator. Bob Dole is on it six, seven hours a day. Great. Keeps you in shape and everything. Hit me. Go ahead. Hit Bob Dole. Right there. (BWANG) Tight, huh? Buy the Abdominator, and get one of these Bun Busters for free. Here's the 800 number. Right there on your screen.
GK (NARRATING): I raced over to my desk to get a pencil to write down the phone number and there in the desk drawer was a fruitcake left over from last Christmas. And I ate it. Three pounds worth. I even ate the petrified orange bits! That's how low I'd fallen. My self-esteem was shattered. I could hear the voice of my old coach, Coach Nelson.
TR: What are you doing eating a three-pound fruitcake, Carson?
GK: I'm sorry, Coach.
TR: And I see you ate the petrified orange bits, too.
GK: I couldn't help it.
TR: Couldn't help it, Carson?
GK: I'm sorry, Coach Nelson.
TR: What kind of pitiful excuse is that, Carson? Look at me! You're a member of a proud team of men, Carson! The Golden Gophers! You're wearing the Golden Gopher insignia on your chest, Carson! That's a lot to live up to!
GK: I know and I'm not a strong person, Coach Nelson.
TR: A gopher is a fighter, Carson! Not a quitter! Where's your pride?
GK: I'm not a very good gopher, sir.
TR: That's because you don't have the guts to be a Gopher, Carson!
GK: I'm trying, sir.
TR: You don't have gopher guts, Carson!
GK: I'm trying ... I'm trying to ....
Look for the silver lining, whene'er a cloud appears in the blue....TK (REVERB): You don't look so good. You know that?
GK: That's not a helpful thing to say, Larry.
TK: It's a true thing to say. You're on VirilMax, aren't you.
GK: How did you know?
TK: I could tell. It turns your saliva white.
GK: Do I act different?
TK: I know VirilMax real well.
GK: You don't -
TK: I did. For three years. Stopped taking it a couple months ago.
GK: You took it for three years.
TK: Every day.
GK: How did it work?
TK: What do you mean?
GK: Never mind....
A HEART FILLED WITH JOY AND GLADNESS
CAN ALWAYS BANISH SADNESS AND STRIFE
SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE SILVER LINING
AND TRY TO FIND THE SUNNY SIDE OF LIFE.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor