(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those fall days when the rain against the window makes you feel like you're in England, in the officers club, it's 1944, your B-17 "The Shady Lady" is getting fueled up out on the tarmac, the crew is assembling in the ready room for another mission over Berlin, and you put down your cards - three aces - and scoop up the pot and say, "Well, gentlemen," and reach up to tighten your chinstrap, and all you find there is one of your chins.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS, PICK UP)
GK: Yeah? Noir here.
TK (OTHER END): Guy Noir?
GK: Yes.
TK: The detective Guy Noir?
GK: Right.
TK: I got your number from a friend of mine at work.
GK: Uh huh.
TK: I'm a bus driver, Mr. Noir. Drive charters mostly. School buses. Whatever. You know.
GK: Uh huh.
TK: The name is Devereaux. Daryl Devereaux. The bus company is called Tinker Bell Bus. Used to be United Bus Lines but then they brought in new management, and they hired a consultant, he thought we needed a friendlier image. So they renamed it Tinker Bell.
GK: I see.
TK: Tinker Bell Bus.
GK: Right.
TK: All of us drivers have to wear a uniform of poofy satin shorts and leggings and fairy shoes with the toes curved up. And a hat with bells on it.
GK: I see.
TK: But you get used to it.
GK: I suppose. What can I do for you, Mr. Devereaux?
TK: I was just about to get to that.
GK: Good.
TK: It's like this. I drove this charter group up to Duluth last night. A bunch of old folks. Took 'em to a casino. To play bingo and stuff.
GK: Uh huh.
TK: And they all go in the casino and I'm there in the bus and ordinarily I sit there and listen to the radio. Have my lunch. A sandwich. A piece of fruit. A brownie. You know. Stretch out. Take a nap. Read a book. Usually a mystery.
GK: Right.
TK: I figure, "I'm on the job. Better stay with the bus." You know?
GK: (SIGHS)
TK: But they're playing the nickel slot machines and it's only six o'clock and I figure I got a couple hours and then this song comes on the radio, this singer - I forget his name - but it's got that line in the chorus about "Freedom is a road that I walk down?" You remember that?
GK: No, I don't. Mr. Devereaux -
TK: "Freedom is a road that I walk down." That's the line in the chorus.
GK: Okay, but could you -
TK: I forget what the title of it is, but that's the -
GK: Would you get on with it? Please???
TK: The singer is a famous guy, and I don't remember his name either ...
GK: Please -
TK: If you told me his name, I'd remember it, but I can't think of it.
GK: It doesn't matter.
TK: Anyway, I hear this line, "Freedom is a road that I walk down," so I think to myself, "Hey, it's not gonna hurt anybody to leave the bus and go for a walk?" So I go for a walk and right away, I'm lost.
GK: Right.
TK: So there I am, in a warehouse district in Duluth, wearing a hat with bells on it and shoes with the toes curled up and poofy satin shorts and leggings and I got no idea where I am.
GK: Okay.
TK: So I go into this bar.
GK: Mister Devereaux?
TK: What?
GK: Are we near the end?
TK: We're very near the end.
GK: You're sure?
TK: I'm sure. So I go into the bar and this guy looks at me and he says, "Well look who just walked in? It's Peter Pan." And I say to him, "For your information, dog face, it's not Peter Pan, it's Tinker Bell." And we get into an argument and I wind up popping him one in the snoot and the cops come and arrest me and I need your help.
GK: What do you want me to do?
TK: I just got out of jail. Put up $250 bail. On my credit card. I'm calling from a pay phone.
GK: Yes?
TK: I can't find my bus.
GK: You can't find it?
TK: I have no idea where it is.
GK: Well, ask for directions to the casino.
TK: You ever try asking for directions wearing shoes with the tips curled up?
GK: Ask the police. (CLICK ON LINE)
SS (ON LINE): Please deposit an additional one dollar and seventy-five cents.
GK: Operator? Hello? Sir? (CLICKS)
SS (ON LINE): Please deposit an additional one dollar and seventy-five cents.
GK: Hello? Is this a recorded message?
SS (ON LINE): This is a recorded message.
GK: But can you reverse the charges?
SS (ON LINE): I cannot reverse the charges, I am only a recording.
GK: You're not a recording.
SS (ON LINE): This is a recording.
GK: How can you understand what I'm saying if you're a recording?
SS (ON LINE): I am a recording with a voice-recognition program. This permits me to respond appropriately to your questions.
GK: Could I take you out to dinner this evening?
SS (ON LINE): I am not that kind of recording.
GK: I think I dated your sister once. She kept giving me the correct time every half hour.
SS (ON LINE): Please deposit your money.
GK: Can you connect me to the guy I was talking to?
SS (ON LINE): He has hung up, sir.
GK: Can you ring that phone for me?
SS (ON LINE): He has left the phone booth.
GK: You know this?
SS (ON LINE): The phone company knows everything, sir.
GK: How do you know that?
SS (ON LINE): I know.
GK: How do you know?
SS (ON LINE): Please deposit an additional four hundred thousand dollars and I'll tell you.
GK: I'm not at a pay phone.
SS (ON LINE): You may use a valid credit card if you wish. State your card number and the four-digit expiration date.
GK: My card expired a long time ago, ma'am.
SS (ON LINE): Then you're out of luck, aren't you.
GK: Are you originally from this planet?
SS (ON LINE): Please deposit your money now.
GK: Did you arrive from far away in the galaxy? Are you in New Mexico right now? (CLICK) (MUSIC) It was quite a bit of excitement for one middle-aged guy all on a rainy afternoon in October, and as if that wasn't enough.....
SFX: KNOCK
GK: Yeah. The door's open. Come in. (DOOR OPEN, SAXOPHONE)
GK: She slipped into my office, a tall number in a dress so tight, I could hardly breathe. Her hair was long and black and her eyes were limpid pools of what I hoped was unbridled lust. She sat down in the chair opposite me. I took one look at her legs, and envied her pantyhose. I suddenly felt light headed.
SS: Is something wrong?
GK: No, I just lost my moral bearings for a moment, that's all. What can I do for you, Miss -
SS: Stenerud. Stella Stenerud.
GK: Stenerud is a Norwegian name, if I'm not mistaken.
SS: Yes, you're right.
GK: All the Norwegians I ever met looked like potatoes. You look like Jansen's temptation.
SS: My family was a band of gypsies who roamed across Norway, playing music and dancing around campfires.
GK: Never knew there were Norwegian gypsies.
SS: There were, and then my family converted to Lutheranism.
GK: Got tired of having a good time, huh?
SS: My grandfather came to this country and settled on a farm in rural Wisconsin. It was rough.
GK: Oh?
SS: He had six daughters. On Friday and Saturday nights, there'd be five hundred cars parked along the county road and five hundred men standing out in the front yard.
GK: So your aunts were attractive women, I take it.
SS: When my mother married, four men jumped off of silos and six hopped a freight train for California and two went into the ministry.
GK: I can understand.
SS: I'm a Lutheran minister myself, Mr. Noir.
GK: Well. Tell me when you're preaching and I'll be there.
SS: I work with senior citizens, Mr. Noir. I'm the chaplain at Good Shepherd Senior Care Center.
GK: You must do those old coots a world of good, ma'am. They must think they died and went to heaven.
SS: I came to see you because some of my parishioners are missing, Mr. Noir.
GK: How's that?
SS: I'm missing a busload of seniors.
GK: In Duluth?
SS: How'd you know? (MUSIC)
GK: I could tell she was impressed. I called the Duluth police and they'd found the seniors. They'd all gotten on the bus and waited. Sat with their hands folded in their laps and waited all night. Not a peep out of them. They're Lutherans. I gave the cops a description of the driver and it wasn't hard to find him and in fifteen minutes they were on their way home. Stella Stenerud gave me a look so sweet you could've poured it over pancakes. She said, "How can I ever repay you?" I said, "Let me tell you." I said, "I'm going around the corner to a bar called the Five Spot. Give me five minutes and then come over and here's what I want you to do..." (MUSIC, TIME CHANGE) (DOOR OPENS, JINGLES. FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hey, Guy. How you doin?
GK: Pretty good, Jimmy. How's yourself?
TR: Oh, can't complain. Looks like we could get snow any day now.
GK: Oh? You think so?
TR: They say it's going to be a cold winter too.
GK: I didn't hear that.
TR: What can I get for you, Guy?
GK: Nothing for me, Jimmy. I'm waiting for someone. She's supposed to meet me here.
TR: Sugar?
GK: No, not Sugar.
TR: Another dame.
GK: Right.
TR: Somebody I know?
GK: I don't think so.
TR: Not from around here, huh?
GK: No. (PAUSE)
TR: So - what you been up to lately?
GK: Oh, you know. Same old thing.
TR: You look good, Guy.
GK: Yeah. Well. You know.
TR: Life going pretty good, then?
GK: Yeah, I'd have to say so, Jimmy.
TR: So is this woman a blind date?
GK: No.
TR: A friend of mine went out on a blind date last week. She was an author.
GK: That's nice.
TR: She stuck him for the check. $89, not including tax and tip.
GK: It's not a blind date.
TR: Good. You don't want to wind up getting stuck with the check.
GK: I won't.
TR: It's getting late. You sure she's coming?
GK: Sure, I'm sure. (MUSIC UNDER) But I wasn't so sure. In fact, I was starting to think she'd stood me up. But no, she came in just as I told her -(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE. BREATHY SAXOPHONE) (SLOW FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
SS: Hi, Handsome. Been waiting long?
GK: It's always too long when I'm waiting for you, baby. (A KISS) You ready to go?
SS: I'm always ready to go when it's you, Handsome.
GK: See you, Jimmy. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.)
SS: Did I get my lines right?
GK: Perfect, Pastor Stenerud. You care to have dinner, a few drinks, go dancing?
SS: Can't. Vespers.
GK: Oh. (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: It happened on Wednesday and I've replayed that scene in my mind a hundred times and it never gets old.
SS: Hi, Handsome. Been waiting long?
GK: It's always too long when I'm waiting for you, baby. (MUSIC UNDER) And I can feel her hand on my shoulder and that very light kiss on the lips. - You ready to go?
SS: I'm always ready to go when it's you, Handsome. (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: Somehow I feel like this winter is not going to be as cold as they say. I feel like it's going to be just fine. And I've already put my name on the waiting list for Good Shepherd. To give myself something to look forward to.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor