(CAFE BOEUF THEME)
Our show brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf, with your host, Maurice the maitre 'd, and now it's possible to make your reservation online, at www.cafeboeuf.rest. (note: not a real website)
TK: That is right - very easy to do - it takes only five, six minutes to answer a few questions so that your reservation can be approved.
GK: We have to apply for a reservation?
TK: Oui, monsieur. It's our new policy. We wish to eliminate the riff-raff. No more boeuffoons.
GK: Boeuffoons?
TK: Gesundheit. From now on, only the creme de la creme, the (GIBBERISH).
GK: (REPEATING GIBBERISH)?
TK: (INSULTED) No, monsieur. I am NOT wearing a hairpiece! Answer the questions, please.
GK: "How much money did you make last year?"
TK: Yes. And a few questions to test your knowledge of French Cuisine. Number One: In a fine French restaurant, food is most often served with what?
GK: Disdain?
TK (IMPRESSED): Tres bien, monsieur. In a fine French restaurant, the customer is always..
GK: Wrong?
TK: And?
GK: Stupid?
TK: And?
GK: Undeserving?
TK: Excellent. Would you like a table by the kitchen door, monsieur? And here - compliments of the chef -
GK: These are escargot, aren't they.
TK: Oui.
GK: Snails cooked in a garlic and butter sauce.
TK: Oui.
GK: Could I just have the garlic and butter?
TK: Non.
GK: It's sort of a major hurdle for me, you know. Snails.
TK: I know.
GK: I mean, I've passed snails on the sidewalk for years -
TK: Eh? You've passed snails - ON THE SIDEWALK??? Monsieur, I don't think we have a table for you - try again next week - (GIBBERISH OF DISGUST)
GK: A message from the Cafe Boeuf. You may not get in this week, but give them a try, you never know.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor