Tonight's show brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
It was a hard day at work at the office (MARCHING FEET) and there was an uprising among the peons (FAINT CRIES OF PROTEST) and you had to put it down (WHIP, TR SHOUTS, WHIP) and then you had to get rid of one of your employees (TK CRY, FALLING, SPLASH, ROAR OF GATORS)
so you're pretty tired as you come home after work (TR WEARINESS, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL),
carrying the carton of milk your wife asked you to pick up on the way home. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
You come in the front door (TR: Hi, honey, I'm home) and the lights are dim (SOFT SAX) and your wife is standing there in a sexy lingerie (SS: Hi, big boy - come on in. Get comfortable.). Your knees go weak (TR DIZZINESS) and the carton of milk hits the floor (SFX: SPLAT). It's the first time in fifteen years you've seen your wife in anything other than a Snoopy sleepshirt. (TR: Oh my gosh....)
There a fire in the fireplace (FIRE) and Gil Shaham on the CD player (VIOLIN) and she opens a bottle of champagne (SQUEAKS, POP) and she drops her nightgown (SS: There - How's that?)
and she turns on the Jacuzzi (MOTOR) - wait a minute! (CHORD) You don't have a Jacuzzi! (CHORD) This isn't your home! (CHORD) This isn't your wife! (KLAXON, RUNNING FEET, DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE, RUNNING FEET ON GRAVEL) Oh boy. Never should've moved into these condos - They all look alike. You dash through some lilac bushes (BRUSH) and then through some azaleas (BRUSH) and suddenly you remember you're allergic to lilacs (TR SNEEZE) and azaleas
(TR BIGGER SNEEZE) and (FOOTSTEPS SLOW TO WALK) by the time you get home, you're covered with welts (TR MISERY) and you strip off your clothes (TR WORSE MISERY) and you head for the shower (SHOWER) and that feels better (TR RECOVERY) and you stand in the shower (TR TENOR) getting the lilac schmutz off you and (SHOWER OFF) you reach for a towel and it's monogrammed (CHORD) (TR: R.E.M.!) your initials aren't R.E.M. you're in the home of the guy across the alley - the Reverend Emil Sternmuller - (TK CLEAR THROAT) and there he is in the door
(TK: Face down on the floor, clown. I always figured you were this sort of guy.) and he picks up the phone (TK: I got him right here.) and minutes later (SIREN) you're on your way to the courthouse where (TK & SS SHOUTS OF PHOTOGRAPHERS, REPORTERS) a crowd of reporters watches you being hauled naked from the squad car and into the pokey where they throw you in the drunk tank
(TK DRUNK: Hey! Are you wearing real baggy clothes or are you naked?) and it's midnight when you finally get home (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, TV AUDIO) and there's your wife sitting on the sofa in her Snoopy sleepshirt watching your arrest on the evening news. (SS: Oh. Hi. Did you remember to get the milk?)
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing takes the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor