(WHINNIES, HORSES HOOVES, VOICES IN PASSING, AN OCCASIONAL PIG COW, SOME BARKING, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I really think today is the day we pass your Declaration of Independence, Jefferson. I just feel it.
CT: HA!!
GK: I think we will.
CT: We've been at it for weeks now!
GK: Well, revolutions take time. Look out for the mud here, Mr. Jefferson. (CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS PICKING A PATH THROUGH THROUGH MIRE. SOME VOCAL REACTION)
CT: I never guessed that thirteen colonies could produce so many windbags - everyday, more nitpicking - guys going on and on, and meanwhile, the fighting has been going on for a year now! It's been a year since Concord and Lexington! And we have yet t o declare independence!! It's unbelievable.
GK: Well, don't get all worked up over it.
CT: Don't get all worked up!!! The Continental Army is out there, fighting for its life, and back here in Philadelphia, the politicians are arguing whether it should be "inalienable rights" or "unalienable rights"!
GK: They'll vote for it, don't worry. (A STAGECOACH GOES BY, FAST)
CT: I wrote a really good Declaration, if I do say so myself -- worked on that puppy for months -- it had grandeur - wit - it sang. And these lawyers are revising the life out of it.
GK: Well, declarations need to be clear.
CT: Some of my best lines against the British -- gone. The one about, "They have inflicted their whimsy on us in the form of Winnie the Pooh and filled up our public television with adaptations of their third-rate novelists" and "They have taxed our tea and sent us the Spice Girls", -- what was wrong with that? And the line about "life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the search for a great chicken moo goo gai pan - ?
GK: What is chicken moo goo gai pan, Jefferson?
CT: You really need to get out of Boston more often, Adams. (MUSIC BRIDGE) (VOICES OF THE COMMITTEE MEMBERS, CHATTER, LAUGHTER, SCRAPING OF CHAIRS, AS THEY SETTLE DOWN AROUND THE TABLE)
GK: Gentlemen -- gentlemen -- if we could come to order, please -- Mr. Sherman? Thank you.
TR: (LAUGHING) I was just telling Livingston the one about the guy whose horse ran over the rooster --
GK: If the meeting could come to order --
TK: (JOWLY MAN GIBBERISH)
GK: Thank you, sir. Gentlemen, I propose that we present the Declaration of Independence to the Congress by the 2nd of July so we can have a vote and get out of here for the 4th of July weekend. At the moment, there are fourteen different amendments pendi ng, and rather than take each of them up --
SS: If I may, Mr. Chairman --
GK: Mr. Button Gwinnett --
CT (SOTTO VOCE TO GK): I tell you, there's something not quite right about this guy.
SS: I still have a problem with the title, "Declaration of Independence". "Declaration" seems to me unnecessarily strident. What if the British meet our terms and we are able to rejoin the Empire? Why cause unnecessary hard feelings? Why not call it "A Proposal of Independence".
CT: Listen, you wimp--
GK: Mr. Jefferson--
CT: We're independent already! Okay? We're out of there. So get over the idea that we can go back because we can't! All right? We're out of the Empire. It's over. We're not going back to calling apartments "flats" or fried potatoes "chips-- We closed the door on that. (SOME MURMURS AND COUGHING)
GK: The gentlemen from Virginia has a good point. It really is time for action.
TK: Mr. Chairman!
GK: Mr. Read--
TK: I move that we hold a public referendum. (SHOUTS AND MURMURS) Let the people decide!
CT: The people can decide how they feel about it once it's done. Somebody has to lead, Mr. Read.
TK: It says right here -- "Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed" -- nobody consented to this! We have no power!
CT: This isn't a government, it's a conspiracy to overthrow a government!
TK: We have no power to do this, sir!
CT: We're taking the power to do it!
GK (BANGING GAVEL): Order, please. Order, gentlemen. Mr. John Hancock -
TR (SLOW TALKER, SOLEMN): I ... myself ... feel ... that the ... course ...
CT: The course of action ...
TR: ... of ...
CT: Action!
TR: ... our ...
CT: The course of our what?
TR: ... beloved ...
CT: Of our beloved country. Country! Say it! Country!
TR: ... nation ... both ...
CT: Both now and in the future ...
TR: ... now ...
CT: And in the future!
TR: ... and ...
CT: In the future!
TR: ... in ...
CT: The future!
TR: ... those ...
CT: Those days ahead.
TR: ... difficult ...
CT: Difficult times that lie ahead!
TR: ... times ...
CT: That lie ahead!
TR: ... that ...
CT: Lie ahead!
TR: ... we ...
CT: That we face ahead!
TR: ... must ...
CT: That we must face ahead!
TR: ... confront ...
CT: Ahead!
TR: ... in the ...
CT: In the years to come!
TR: ... days ...
CT: In the days and weeks ahead!
TR: ... that ...
CT: The days that lie ahead ...
TR: ... we ...
CT: Mr. Chairman!
TR: ... all ...
CT: Mr. Chairman!
TR: ... know ...
(GAVEL)
GK: Mr. Hancock, could you please submit that in writing, sir?
TR: ... Mr. ...
GK: In writing, Mr. Hancock.
TR: ... Chairman ...
GK: (GAVEL) Here's a pen, Mr. Hancock. Write it large. Thank you. Mr. Randolph-
TK: I have a problem with the line about "purfuit of happineff" - why do we include that?
CT: You're reading that wrong. Those aren't f's, Randolph. That's "pursuit of happiness" -
TK: I queftion the ufe of that phrafe - "purfuit of happineff"- if that neffeffary?
GK: Mr. Randolph, I believe we've been over this ground before.
TR (FRANKLIN): What can't be cured must be endured.
GK: Mr. Gwinnett -
SS: Mr. Chairman, I really must object to the tone of truculence - this whole chip-on-the-shoulder attitude of the gentleman from Virginia -
CT: We're at war, Gwinnett!
SS: This long list of insults against the British -
CT: I only wish it could be longer!
SS: Do we really need to throw dirt in their faces?
CT: I'd like to put in something about their dowdy clothes and their insufferable accents! I'd like to mention their cheesy newspapers! And their food! I had a whole paragraph in here about their terrible breakfast sausage! Imagine a country that refers to sausage as "bangers"! I wanted to have something about Marmite! And their tepid beer! And the things they do to beef over there! It's no wonder the cows went mad! I would too!
GK: (UNDER CT SPEECH ABOVE) Mr. Jefferson -- please -- (GAVEL) -- sir. Order, please. -- Gentlemen, I think we've come to the point --
TR (new ENGLANDER): Mister Chairman -
GK: Elbridge Gerry-
TR (new ENGLANDER): Mister Chairman -- Delegates -- Speaking of "pursuit of happiness" as we were, there are rumors, Mr. Jefferson, that you are having an affair with an employee of yours, Miss Sally Hemmings.
CT: She's not an employee. She's a slave.
TR (new ENGLANDER): Mr. Jefferson, need I remind you that this Continental Congress is under sharp public scrutiny, and a moral blot on one of us calls into question the work of the whole, including this Declaration.
CT: What's your point, Mr. Gerry?
TR (new ENGLANDER): My point is that I think we should consider appointing a special prosecutor to investigate -
CT: Sir - Miss Sally Hemmings and I -
GK: Mr. Jefferson. Don't answer that. Mr. Gerry - you are out of order here, sir - the Declaration of Independence is in front of us, we have to decide whether to go ahead and pass this thing. I think we must. And I think it has to be unanimous. (MURMUR S OF ASSENT AND CONFUSION)
TR (FRANKLIN): We must hang together or we shall all hang separately.
GK: Mr. Franklin is right. We're in a revolution. We can't deliberate any longer.
TK (JOWLY MAN GIBBERISH)
GK: You know, sir, if you would trade in those wooden dentures for a porcelain pair, it would really help us all.
TR: Mr. Chairman -
GK: Mr. Madison.
TR: Mr. Chairman, I must say, I am terribly uncomfortable with the idea of rushing forward into Independence before we have a clear idea of what form of government we are rushing toward.
GK: Mr. Madison, when the time comes I'm sure we'll meet again to discuss that.
TR: I think it's relevant to discuss it now.
(DISTANT ROCKETS)
GK: What is that? (GENERAL MURMURING)
CT: Looks like fireworks. Big ones. (ROCKETS EXPLODING)
GK: Is it evening already? (ROCKETS)
CT: We've been at this for ten hours now. (DISTANT CROWD CHEERING)
GK: What's all the commotion in the streets about?
CT: I think they're celebrating independence.
GK: But we haven't voted for it yet.
CT: Go tell them that. (ROCKETS)
TR (FRANKLIN): Don't cut the branch you're standing on. On the other hand, there's no summer without winter. But ---- he that is born to be hanged will never be drowned.
GK: I guess we should vote, gentlemen.
SS: Mr. Chairman -
GK: Overruled. All in favor. (CHORUS OF AYES) Opposed -
SS: Mr. Chairman -
GK: The vote is unanimous. Gentlemen, let's put our names on it.
TR (HANCOCK): ...
CT: Oh no.
TR (HANCOCK): ... intend ...
CT: Do we have to go through this again?
TR (HANCOCK): ... to write ...
CT: To write your name.
TR (HANCOCK): ... my ...
CT: Name!
TR (HANCOCK): ... name ...(MUSIC BRIDGE)
(GLASSES, SOME TABLEWARE)
GK: Well. Here's to you, Mr. Jefferson. A good day's work, I'd say.
CT: Thanks. You too. (CLINK OF GLASSES) What's the news from the front?
GK: Not good. The British are kicking us around pretty good. Hard for Washington to maintain discipline in an army of amateurs. Guys come in for a few weeks, get tired of it, go home. If the French come in on our side, it'd sure make a big difference. But your Declaration of Independence gave everybody a big lift. Already I hear people quoting it in the streets. "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". It's a great phrase.
CT: Thanks. I love those series of three - "our lives, our fortune and our sacred Honor" - faith, hope, and charity - liberte', fraternite', egalite' - surely, goodness, and mercy - Aetna Life & Casualty - Tinker to Evans to Chance -
GK: Who are they?
CT: I don't know. I just made it up.
GK: Did you have a sexual relationship with Sally Hemmings?
CT: Let me say this: we're very good friends.
GK: That's all you care to say.
CT: That's all.
GK: This Judge Starr is going around asking questions about it.
CT: Starr has been a British sympathizer from the word go.
GK: Well, if you listen hard enough, you'll always hear something bad about yourself, I guess. (POURS WINE)
CT: By God, these are exciting times, aren't they? Independence. A new country. No dukes or earls, no bowing and scraping, no princes lisping at us, no pompous jerks like Dr. Johnson. I can't wait to start work on the Constitution, Adams.
GK: Are you serious about writing in that part about making no laws abridging freedom of speech?
CT: Absolutely.
GK: Or freedom of the press?
CT: Absolutely.
GK: Do you have any idea how much trouble that is going to cause?
CT: I do. And I look forward to it. Here's to freedom, sir.
GK: Freedom. (CLINK GLASSES) Is she your girlfriend?
CT: To freedom, sir. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor