GK: Today's show is our last live broadcast of this season, and we're very lucky to be doing it in Kansas City, with Calvin Trillin and Iris DeMent and Kelly Hunt ssss and right now I'd like to sing a favorite song of mine, and that's "Old Shep" ssss (BAND PICKUP)sss Say, Sue-ssss
SS: What?
GK: Would you mind telling the other performers that we're running a little late?
SS: And they're not going to get on?
GK: I don't think so. Tell 'em I'm sorry, but that's how it is. We just don't have time ssss (SINGS) When I was a boy, and Old Shep was a pup, Over hills and valleys we'd roam (FADE) Just a boy and his dog.....
SS: (FOOTSTEPS) I don't know why I'm the one who has to go and tell people that the show is running long ssss sounds like the engineers are having technical problems (SHORTING SOUNDS) sss (BANGING) Man, it's just chaos backstage. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) You wouldn't believe it. (GLASS BREAKAGE)sssss Whoops! excuse me! sorry-sss here's the stage crew (CARDS ARE DEALT OUT) sss Guys ss?
AF: Dealer calls. Twos and jacks wild. Pair of jacks to bid. Acey deucy. Doughnuts. Okay?
JK: I'll ante ten bucks and hit me twice. And as long as you're up, grab me a beer.
SS: Guys-sss I'm supposed to tell you that the show's running late.
AF: Just tell us when it's over, okay?
SS: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) (FOOTSTEPS) Right in here is the big dressing room where the antelope are (DOOR OPEN, ELK)ssss the antelope who are going to be in the big "Home on the Range" number-sss they weren't able to get as many antelope as they need ed, so some of these antelope actually are elk, (ELK) like that one there. That's an elk. (ELK) Guys-sss the show is running long and we may have to cancel the "Home On The Range" number, okay? (ELK) Sorry. I know you worked hard on it. (ELK) (DOOR CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS) And over here is Tim Russell's dressing room. (FOOTSTEPS STOP. KNOCK. TR MUFFLED: Yes?? Come in. DOOR OPEN.) Hi, Tim.
TR: Hey, Sue. (THEY EXCHANGE CHEEK KISSES) How's the show going? Am I on?
SS: No sssss we're running late, Tim.
TR: What are you telling me?
SS: I'm telling you that the show is running late.
TR: Does that mean that I don't get to do Carol Channing singing "God Bless America"?
SS: It's not my decision, Tim. I'm only the messenger.
TR: I've been working on this since April, Sue.
SS: I'm just saying the show is running late.
TR: Look-ss I got the wig. I did the lipstick. I've got the dress.
SS: It's beautiful.
TR: They don't like it, do they-sss
SS: No, that's not it.
TR: They think it's tacky, don't they.
SS: No, it's just that we're running late....really....
TR: Don't do this to me, Sue.
SS: It's just a matter of not having the time, Tim.
TR: Listen to this-sss tell me if you like this-sss (HE SINGS, A LA CAROL CHANNING) From the mountains to the prairies to the oceans white with foam..... (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: I love it. It's beautiful. (DOOR CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS) Let's see. This oughta be Guy Noir's dressing room here. (KNOCKS, DOOR OPEN)
GK: Hi sweetheart, how you doing?
SS: Hi, Guy-sss listen-sss
GK: (SINGS) He's smooth and he's cool
He's quick with a gun. A master in the boudoir.
A guy in a trenchcoat who gets the job done.
Guy.......Guy Noir.
You like it, don't you, sweetheart? I sing that song, I often look off into the wings and see you looking at me with that special look of yours.
SS: I just came in to tell you the show's running late, Guy.
GK: Awwww, well ssss last show of the season. Who cares? Come on in, let's talk.
TK: What about me?
GK: Here's a twenty. Beat it. (DOOR OPEN) Nice and cool in my dressing room. (DOOR CLOSE) You know, you're so much lovelier than I thought you'd be listening to you on the radio, Miss Scott.
SS: Is that right?
GK: Yeah. That's right.
(BANGS ON DOOR)
SS (SUGAR): Guy! Open up!
GK: Oh no, it's my girlfriend Sugar! Down on the floor, Miss Scott-sss
SS: What's wrong?
GK: Down!! down!!! (DOOR OPEN) Hi Sugar-sss
SS (SUGAR): Don't you Sugar me, you two-timer-sss where is she??
GK: Where's who?
SS (SUGAR): You know who!! You been seeing someone else, haven't you!
GK: Settle down, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): Who's this here-sss hey!
SS: Listen, Sugar, I can explain everything.
SS (SUGAR): You better start talking fast then.
SS: Listen, you and I have a lot in common, Sugar. There's no reason for us not to be friends-sss
SS (SUGAR): Oh yeah-sss then how come you're crouching on the floor underneath the table, ya cheap floozy-ssss
SS: I can explain everything, Sugar-sss
SS (SUGAR): You better start talking fast-ss
SS: I'll be right back, Sugar. (FOOTSTEPS) You wait right there. I'll be back.
GK (OFF): It's all right, Sugar. Trust me. Just trust me.
SS: I guess I better go down here-sss (DOOR OPEN, AND FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS) even though it's dark and sssss (STOP. CLICK OF SWITCH) Darn, the bulb's burned out. Oh well-ss (FOOTSTEPS) ssss I think he's back in here. (DOOR CREAKING OPEN) Larry? Larry-sss
TK (LARRY): Hi. Is the show over yet?
SS: No, it isn't. It's running late, Larry. So I don't know that you're going to get on tonight. I'm sorry.
TK (LARRY): Oh, that's all right. I'm happy. I'd rather not get on. I was reading an article in Readers Digest sss Ten Ways To Put The Ka-Zoom Back In Your Marriage. You know what the tenth way is? It's humor. That's right. Humor. So important. You want me to read you this?
SS: No, I just came down to tell you the show's running long, Larry. Good talking to you.
TK: You know, twenty-five years ago, I was the popular one and he was the weird one.
SS: See you next season, Larry. (FOOTSTEPS) You try to get out once in awhile, now.
TK (OFF): Why?
SS: Just do. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.) Okay. I better tell Dusty and Lefty-ss (SNIFF) ssss yep, they're down this way.
(FOOTSTEPS. KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(GK LEFTY MUFFLED: Yo.) (DOOR OPENS) (GUITAR STRUMMING)
GK: Blue shadows on the trail
Blue moon shining through the trees....
SS: Dusty and Lefty-sss
TR (DUSTY): Hi there, Sue.
GK: And the plaintive wail in the distance-sss (STOP)
And the plaintive wail in the distance-ssss
And the plaintive wail in the distance-ssss
TR (DUSTY): Give it up, would ya?
SS: Guys, I just came down to tell you that the show is running a little late tonight so we may not get to your "Lives of the Cowboys" tonight-sss sorry, boys-sss
GK: Oh boy. Don't that take all. Boy, that burns my toast.
TR (DUSTY): Guess we may as well pack up.
GK: Guess so. I can't even sing "Blue Shadows on the Trail"?
TR (DUSTY): You bet you can't. You never could.
SS: Sorry. We're short on time.
GK: Right. Well, that's tough noogies for the sound effects man. That means he don't get paid.
TK: What?
GK: You're not going to get paid a nickel for "Lives of the Cowboys" tonight, Mr. Keith.
TK: What are you talking about?
TR: It's getting cut.
GK: We don't need you anyway. Never did.
TK: What are you talking about?....
GK: Not talking to you. I'm talking to the little buckaroos out in radio land. Never needed a sound effects man, because me and Dusty, we've got our own horses here, ain't that right, Dusty? (HORSE CHUFF)
TR: That's right. (HE WHINNIES)
TK: Those ain't real horses! (HE LAUGHS)
GK: To us they are. Let's hit the saddle, Dusty.
TR: Let's go, pardner. (WHINNYING, HORSE SIDESTEPS, WHOAS) Another season done come to an end. Time to head out on the dusty trail.
GK: Hope to see you buckaroos in the fall. Let's ride, Dusty. (GUNSHOTS)
TK: That's not how you make gunshots!
GK: You don't even know what kind of gun this is, mister.
TK: Sounds like an air gun to me. (HE LAUGHS)
GK: Come on, Dusty. Let's ride. (GIDDYUPS, HORSE WHINNIES, HOOVES)
TK: You can't ride away like that! You're in a room! You didn't open the door! You can't ride through the walls!
TR (OFF): There are no walls in radio, mister! (HOOVES AWAY)
SS: Well-ssss it was nice to see Dusty and Lefty again-sss hope they have a great summer.
TK: I just want to point out to the radio audience that those were not real guns and those were not real horses-sss
SS: No? Then what's that stuff on the floor?
TK: Oh-ssss right.
SS: Looks pretty real to me. (FOOTSTEPS) Watch out you don't step in it. (FOOTSTEPS) And now we return you to our show, which is in progress (FADING IN....)
GK: .....And no more with Old Shep will I roam.
But if dogs have a heaven, there's one thing I know...
Old Shep has a wonderful home.
(TK & GK DOG HOWLS)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor