(WESTERN THEME.....CATTLE, WHOOPING, HORSES)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Mojave Mutual Funds....... (MUSIC)
GK: Dusty and me, we'd been on the run for months, and then, like so many people who don't have anyplace specific in mind, we wound up in California.
TR: We were in Cody, Wyoming, working in the cattleyards. (HORSES MANEUVERING A STEER, STEER BELLOWS, GK WHOOPS) We were driving white face cattle onto the trucks, when Lefty said --
GK: What are we doing this for?
TR: We're cowboys. This is what cowboys do.
GK: What kind of an answer is that?
TR: An existential answer.
GK: Not very satisfying. Not to me anyway.
TR: You're thinking about San Francisco, aren't you?
GK: What makes you say that?
TR: When people question the purpose of what they're doing, usually they're thinking about San Francisco.
GK: Well, maybe I am thinking about San Francisco.
TR: Fine. Let's go. Get it outta your system. But I'm warning you. They don't much care for Iowans in San Francisco.
GK: So?
TR: I'm just saying -- San Franciscans aren't too tolerant of Iowans.
GK: So? I'm not from there.
TR: They can tell Iowans by their accents. That's why Iowans, when they go to San Francisco, they usually take up mime as a career.
GK: I draw the line at miming.
TR: Me too. I have done disgraceful things in public but I have never painted my face white, mister, or chased an invisible butterfly.
GK: Never played the banjo and never mimed.
TR: You're really not from Iowa?
GK: Nope.
TR: Then let's go. (MUSIC)
GK: So out we came, hitchhiking over the Sierras, which, for a couple of dusty guys with two weeks of beard, is no easy proposition. But finally we made it. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
TR: San Francisco. Open your golden gates. Yes sir. (FOG HORN) Look at it. You ever see anything as pretty as that? Look at those lights ---
GK: That's pretty, all right.
TR: Looks just like Vermont. Those snowy hills. That little church steeple.
GK: Those ain't snowy hills, those are fog banks. The steeple is the tip of the Transamerica building. (FOG HORN)
TR: Well, I'll be jiggered. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: We headed into the city, hitchhiking along the freeway (TRAFFIC PASSING AT TERRIFIC SPEED), and after awhile Dusty said-----
TR: What are we doing here? This is no place for us. Nobody's stopping.
GK: Somebody will.
TR: They don't care for strangers here.
GK: So - let's not be strangers.
TR: Nobody's going to give us a ride.
GK: Sure they are. Looky here. (CAR SCREECHES TO A STOP, HORNS HONKING, SEMI HORN GOES SPEEDING PAST)
SS (OFF): You two cowboys looking for a ride??? (FOOTSTEPS OF DUSTY AND LEFTY HEADING FOR CAR)
TR: You heading for San Francisco, ma'am?
SS: Why would I want to go anyplace else? Hop in. --- You're not from Iowa, are you?
TR: No, ma'am. (MUSIC)
GK: She was an attractive woman, somewhere between twenty-five and fifty-two, and she drove at a terrific rate of speed, considering it was almost zero visibility due to the fog, and five minutes later, she had pulled up in front of a restaurant called The Inner Pesto. (CAR COMING TO A STOP)
SS: This is as far as I go, gents. I'm having dinner with my husband, Chuck. Hope I'm in time for the entree.
GK: Well, I hope we didn't make you late for dinner....
SS: No, no. I've already had my salad. I just had to drive out to Daly City to have a smoke.
TR: You can't smoke cigarettes in San Francisco?
SS: Nope. Strictly against the law. No smoking and you can't insult people on the basis of race, gender, sexual preference, pants size, or hair style, and you can't commit physical violence against trees, and you can't read books by dead white men to children under the age of fourteen.
GK: Lot of laws here, huh?
SS: I take it you cowboys are new to San Francisco.
TR: Yes, ma'am.
GK: Just arrived from Wyoming.
SS: I see. (VIBRATION OF CAR)
GK: What's that???? An earthquake??
SS: Nothing to worry about.
TR: Earthquake!!!!
SS: That's not an earthquake.
TR: No?
GK: Not an earthquake???
SS: They're turning the Golden Gate bridge. That's what causes the vibration.
TR: Turning the Golden Gate Bridge where?
SS: They turn it every day. To even up the wear and tear.
TR: I thought it was a suspension bridge.
SS: It used to be. And then the tension of the cables started pulling Marin County to the south. So they had to release them.
TR: And now it turns?
SS: They mounted it on a post. You can't see it because of the fog, but it turns.
TR: How do they turn it?
SS: There's a cable attached to the end. An underwater cable.
TR: Well, isn't that something.
SS: They hitch about twenty cable cars together and they go down the Powell Street hill and that's what turns the bridge and also it pulls Alcatraz in to shore so they can load up new souvenirs and soda pop.
TR: I thought Alcatraz was an island.
SS: It is. A floating island. Used to be a regular island but it came loose in the '89 earthquake. The next morning, they found it bobbing off a marina in San Rafael. They didn't want the tourists to go up there, so they towed it back in the middle of the bay and tied the cable to it.
TR: Amazing. How come nobody knows about this?
SS: It was foggy when it broke loose.
TR: Aren't they afraid the island might sink?
SS: Well, they are, and that's why they keep thousands of sea turtles underneath Alcatraz. To keep it up.
TR: That must be expensive.
SS: No, no ---- you can make money off sea turtles.
TR: How---- you make soup out of em?
SS: Make soup, and you make turtle wax.
TR: Well, I never thought of that. And turtle wax is pretty expensive.
SS: Yes. Because their ears are so small. --- I've got to go.
GK: I think you'd better. I think we've heard enough.
TR: Thanks for the ride, ma'am. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Maybe you're right, Dusty. Maybe we don't belong here. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we ought to head back to the range.
TR: Too late for that, pardner. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Here we are, we're in San Francisco. We gotta make it on our own. What do you say? We'll put a hat down on the sidewalk and we'll do street theater.
GK: What is this? some kind of a joke?
TR: Hey. That's what we'll do. We'll be street comedians.
GK: You and me?
TR: Why not?
GK: There's nobody around, that's why not. Look. The street is empty.
TR: It's foggy. Maybe there's somebody lurking in the shadows. You tell a joke and I'll keep my eye out for the audience.
GK: You've got to be kidding.
TR: Tell one. Go on. I think I see somebody.
GK: So the Iowa state police they haven't been able to find out who came in the police station and stole the toilet seats.
TR (OFF): OH???
GK: Yeah, they didn't have anything to go on.
TR (OFF): Keep going, I see somebody.
GK: So the guy from Iowa walks into the doctor's office with a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right hear and a cucumber up his nose and he says, "What's the matter with me?"
TR (OFF): Yeah????
GK: And the doctor says, "You're not eating properly."
TR: I hear him coming. Tell another one.
GK: How do you know when an Iowan has been using your computer?
TR: I don't know. How?
GK: There's eraser marks on the screen.
TR: Hey. There's three guys coming---- tell another one.
GK: So the there were these two Iowans who went out fishing in the ocean and they only had one bottle of beer and they drank it and they rubbed the bottle and a genie jumped out and said, 'I'll give you one wish," and the Iowan said, "Turn the whole ocean into beer," and the genie did and the other Iowan said, "You big dummy, now we'll have to pee in the boat."
TR: Okay, okay, keep going, keep going, here they are. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
GK: Hey. How'd you like to hear a really funny joke about Iowans, you guys?
TK: Huh?
TR (IOWAN): What you talking about?
TK: Listen. I'm from Iowa.
TR (IOWAN): So am I. And so is Big Ed here.
TK: We're all from Iowa. We all played football for Iowa. You still want to tell a joke about Iowans?
GK: No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times I'm not. Let's get out of here, Dusty.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Mojave Brand Mutual Funds....Sure, we're down now, but wait a few years. Mojave is coming back. You can count on it. (WHINNY) (MUSIC PLAY OFF)
(c) 1998 BY GARRISON KEILLOR