GK: When the surgeon comes in to say hello before he opens up your skull to see what that big dark spot on the CAT-scan was, you don't want him to turn out to be a guy with a toothpick in his mouth and a baseball cap on his head..
TK: Hey---- how's it goin'? My name's Bubba ---- put her there. Curtis----
GK: I'm Carson. Not Curtis.
TK: Carson. Sure. Says "Carson" right here. Funny I said "Curtis". That ever happen to you? Hnnnnh. (BUMP AND CRASH) Whoops. Sorry. Didn't see that. Anyway ---- Carson---- just wanted to say howdy, and we're going to put you out in a moment, and then we'll ---- open her up---- you know ----- and see what we're dealing with here, okay? (MUSIC)
GK: He's probably a very nice guy, but something about him suggests that maybe he had to take the surgery exam more than once. ---- Same when you board the plane and you're right behind the pilot and he bumps his head on the door----
TK: Ouch! Goldang it! Boy, that smarts! Whoa! Son of a gun! Hi--- -- how are we doing there? Anybody here know how to fly this thing? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hee hee hee hee hee hee.
GK: You look at him and he doesn't have the crewcut you like to see on a pilot, he has longish hair and it looks like he spends a lot of time fussing with it. You want an overachiever for a pilot, not a hobbyist. Same when you take your child to the new school and you meet her teacher-----
SS: Oh my we sure got a roomful today, don't we!!!! Yessirree!!! Okay---- nice to see all of you guys. Okay. Now the class is called Quantum Physics but don't let it scare you, okay? It's a whole lot of fun. Who knows what Quantum Physics is? Huh? Don't all answer at once! (SHE CHUCKLES TO HERSELF)
GK: A nice person, but she's more like a waitress than a teacher. You meet her and suddenly you reassess your feelings about elitism. (LIGHT MARCH) Everybody's opposed to elitism, until suddenly you need someone who really knows their stuff ---- and when it really matters ---- when it comes down to the wire ---- your life may depend on your being able to find an arrogant jerk who knows what he's doing.
TR: Hi. Come on in. What can I do for you?
GK: Some very warm, caring, decent people have been known to do bonehead things --- nice people have flown planes straight into mountains, have performed hysterectomies on men, and have taught children in such a way as to make them incredibly stupid. Sometimes you need to go with the arrogant jerks.
TR: Have a seat. I'll be right with you.
GK: It would be nice if people who are wonderful to be with were also right about things, but life isn't always like that.
TR: Or don't have a seat ----- I don't care.
GK: .....a message in the public interest for Elitism Week, November 9 through 16, sponsored by the Superior, Wisconsin, Chamber of Commerce.
© 1997 Garrison Keillor