(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the busy streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(PIANO)
GK: It was one of those fall days when a cold wind blows out of the northwest and dark clouds pile up like dirty laundry and you look at them and see the faces of old girlfriends. I was out on a case involving a lost cat named Peepers, walking up and down the alleys and calling its name, and after awhile, I decided to call it quits and head down to the Five Spot. (COCKTAIL PIANO) The place was empty. Just Jimmy behind the bar and a dame sitting in a booth by the jukebox. Nice looker. She was smoking a cigarette and weeping into her Chardonnay. TR (BARTENDER): Hey, Guy. How's it with you?
GK: Hi, Jimmy. Gimme a Vegas Surprise.
TR (BARTENDER): You bet. Looks like we may get some snow one of these days, huh? GK: Yeah. That's what they say. Hey Jimmy?
TR (BARTENDER): Yeah?
GK: Who's the dame?
TR: I donno. She came in with some guy, they had an argument, he left, and she's been kinda upset ever since.
GK: Huh. Well--- (SCRAPE OF CHAIR. SLOW FOOTSTEPS) Pardon me, ma'am ---- thought I'd say hello ----- and if you don't care for company, just say so, and I'll go someplace and cut my wrists.
CF (WEEPY): It's okay. Sit down if you like. Just having a rough day.
GK: Jimmy says you had some kind of argument with a guy, huh?
CF (WEEPY): My husband.
GK: Well, you know how men are. They say things they don't mean and then they stick to it and ---- you just have to ignore em half the time.
CF: He wants carpeting in the bathroom, and I want ceramic tile.
GK: Oh. I see. Remodelling, huh?
CF: I want a double convection oven, he wants the conventional.
GK: Kitchen too, huh?
CF: I had the conventional oven before, and now I want convection.
GK: I see.
CF: Some conventionals convert to convection, but I want the real convection. They're more convenient than the conventional.
GK: Seems reasonable to me.
CF: He had a tiled bathroom in his second marriage and now he wants carpeting. I can't see it. Carpeting just mildews.
GK: You prefer tile.
CF: I've had carpeting. I've been there. Done that. Three times.
GK: Three times you've renovated your bathroom?
CF: No, three times I've had carpeting. I've renovated the bathroom eight times.
GK: Eight times? same bathroom?
CF: Does that seem like too much?
GK: And your kitchen?
CF: Same. Eight remodellings.
GK: Eight.
CF: Right.
GK: In how many years?
CF: Nine years----
GK: Couldn't get it right, huh?
CF: They keep coming out with new stuff---- you know? You have a Jacuzzi put in and then they came out with a new Jacuzzi with a built-in CD player and underwater speakers. You know?
GK: Had to have it, huh?
CF: The heated towel racks. The steam nozzles in the shower. The recliner toilet.
GK: How many times you been married, if I may ask?
CF: Four.
GK: Couldn't get that right either, huh?
CF: Well---- people don't stay the same, you know? You need different things at different times in your life. People grow. Life moves on.
GK: Well, all I can say is, your contractor is one lucky guy.
CF: I'm supposed to meet him here. He's late.
GK: Ahhh.
CF: What kind of bathroom do you have, Mr----
GK: Noir. Guy Noir. I have a very dim bathroom, ma'am. One 60-watt bulb hanging from the ceiling. The shower ---- you can figure on about 30-seconds of hot water ---- you gotta get in and get out. The toilet is basically one of your Third World toilets. It's not a place you care to hang around in.
CF: And your kitchen?
GK: A closet with a hot plate and a toaster. That's it. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR (RICO, OFF): Hey there doll. Been lookin around for you. Where you been?
CF: Hi----
TR (RICO): Brought you some more kitchen and bathroom magazines. Lots of good ideas in there. You like stainless steel?
CF: For the kitchen? But I just redid the whole thing in French provincial----
TR (RICO): French provincial---- that's yesterday. Nobody does that anymore. It's all stainless steel now. Postmodern industrial. That's the new look. Everybody's going stainless. Hey----- who's this?
GK: The name is Noir, Rico. Guy Noir. We met a few times before.
TR (RICO): It's coming back to me. A joint down in Bohunk Town. A saxophonist named Max. A woman with a gardenia in her hair. And I was holding a pair of deuces.
GK: You got a good memory, Rico.
CF: Rico? Did you say Rico? I thought he was Swedish.
GK: This guy isn't Swedish, he's just a meatball. Is he your contractor?
CF: Yes.
GK: He renovated your kitchen and bathroom eight times----
CF: Yes.
GK: Contracting --- it's a blood sport for you, isn't it, Rico?
TR (RICO): What business is it of yours, gumshoe? Butt out. Me and the doll, we got a deal.
GK: Home renovation ---- I heard the Mob was moving in for a piece of the action. Nice scam, huh, Rico. You show people some glossy pictures ---- butcherblock counters....the six-burner range....they're helpless, they got to have it. It's like heroin except there's more dust. Innocent families go down that renovation road and they never come back. Half of all major home renovations wind up with the couple getting a divorce. But you don't care, do you, Rico?
TR (RICO): Sure, I care, gumshoe. Here, let me share my feelings with you ----- (HE SWINGS, KONK, GK OOFFFF) There. That'll teach you to butt in. Come on, doll. I got some tile samples out in my car. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: He hit me so hard that when I woke up I remembered a girl named Elaine who I hadn't thought about in years. And I remembered a little bit of high school geometry. Something about the legs of a triangle. Ohhhhhh. TR: Here, Guy ----- have a glass of water. Whoa. He really pasted you one, didn't he. Here's some ice.
GK: Thanks, Jimmy. Ouch. Oooo boy. They gone?
TR: Yeah. He was showing her some blueprints for an open-beam ceiling and skylights.
GK: Some people never learn.
TR: Boy, you're telling me.
GK: Dramatic attempts at improvement almost always result in things getting worse. There's a lot of bitter experience behind that observation, Jimmy.
TR: I'll bet.
GK: Knew a guy once. A real jerk. Somebody knocked on his door, gave him a Bible, and he read it, and he had a big religious experience, and now he's a real jerk who can quote the Bible.
TR: I know what you mean.
GK: Knew a guy, newspaper reporter, good writer ---- he took a year off to write a book ---- it was terrible. Garbage. People try too hard.
TR: Kinda like my brother.
GK: What about him?
TR: Used to be a bum on the street. Begging for money. Now he's in fundraising. Developement, they call it. Got a big office with a computer. Got a big head with a lot of hair.
GK: The older I get, Jimmy, the more I think that the smartest thing is to stick with what you got.
(RING)
TR: Yeah---- lotta truth in that, Guy. (PICKUP) Five Spot, Jimmy speaking----- Who? ---- Yeah, he's right here. ----It's for you, Guy.
GK: Yeah, Noir here.
TK (PUNK, OTHER END): Hey, this is Louie.
GK: Yeah?
TK (OTHER END): I want you should know my cat came back.
GK: Your cat?
TK (OTHER END): Mr. Peepers.
GK: Oh. I see. TK (OTHER END): He wasn't lost at all. He was down in the basement. I guess he fell asleep after his lunch.
GK: Okay, well, it was a pleasure working with you.
TK (OTHER END): Hey, no problem. Anytime. (HANG UP)
TR: So what you goin to do about Rico and the lady, Guy?
GK: Not much I can do, Jimmy. It's a jungle out there. You can't keep the jaguars from hunting the deer.
TR: I suppose not.
GK: (ICE TINKLING IN GLASS) Hey, what'd you put in this Vegas?
TR: Root beer and grapefruit juice and a dash of tabasco.
GK: Grapefruit juice!
TR: That's what goes in a Vegas. Grapefruit juice.
GK: It tastes terrible.
TR: That's the whole point of it.
GK: What?
TR: You have a Vegas in the morning and you know that's the worst thing that's going to happen to you all day. The rest of the day is a breeze.
GK: Here's looking at you, Jimmy. Take care.
(MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's questions.....Guy Noir, private eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© 1997 by Garrison Keillor